The inane ramblings presented here by Scott Foy (aka The Foywonder) are
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B-WARE
2007
TITLES D-J
DARK HONEYMOON
"Dark Honeymoon follows a man who marries a seductive woman after a brief and passionate relationship. During their honeymoon, on the Pacific coast, terrible truths unfold as those around them die mysterious deaths." Features the Lifetime Network quality cast of Lindy Booth, Roy Schneider, Daryl Hannah, Eric Roberts, and Tia Carrera.
Someone want to tell her that isn't a battle axe she's holding? "A broken heart, a battle axe, a demon and a lesbian ex-fiancée... Jason Parks' life goes from bad to worse as a series of supernatural events turn his dream of reconciliation with ex-fiancée Jasmine into a portal-seeking, demon-hunting nightmare. With a desperate attempt to save his fizzled-out relationship, Jason orchestrates a camping trip with the help of his best friends: Ricky, a ladies' man who shoots '1-900' commercials for a living; Marlene, a long-time friend and yoga instructor; and Renee, a bookworm with a knack for witchcraft. Each with their own agenda, they convince Jasmine to join them for a weekend of fun in the sun. Unbeknown to the group, Renee's been having recurring nightmares of Summer Vale - a little girl who disappeared in town over twenty years ago - and decides to use the getaway to contact her spirit. Also unknown to the boys, Jasmine and Marlene have become a hot item. They join in the fun, and humor Renee's 'hocus pocus' while making a little magic of their own. The fun and games quickly turn to life and death when Renee's ritual works and the little lost girl, Summer Vale, bursts onto the scene... She's all grown up... She's armed with a battle axe... And she's not alone..." Co-stars former WWE turned TNA wrestler Christian Cage in a role sure to make him a household name.
"The country's top male models are turning up naked and dead during a cowboy mountain photo shoot. Who would want to off such flawless, muscular pretty boys? They're a little self-involved and clueless, but that's no reason to take an ax to them. Fearless agent Tess Oster and her forest ranger girlfriend Belle Van Dyke must stop the slaughter before there are no models left to shoot. From the producer of Leather Jacket Love Story and crammed with top models and centerfolds from the pages of Playgirl and Men's Workout. Dead Boyz Don't Scream is a funny, sexy thrill ride through the dark side of male modeling filled with gratuitous nudity, politically incorrect violence and lesbians with guns!" Before anyone asks, no, David Decoteau did not direct this.
"During World War II, four American GIs get caught up behind enemy lines. They seek shelter in an old church where they meet a bizarre priest. Soon they learn the Nazis have been tapping certain supernatural powers. The GIs must then combat their toughest opponent yet... evil in its purest form."
Charles Band-directed haunted casino flick featuring Tony Todd, Bill Mosely, Sid Haig, and Michael Berryman.
Action horror starring Blade ll's Luke Goss about a group of peaceful Vampires are infected and turned into crazed zombie like creatures whose only motivation is to feed on flesh, whether Human or Vampire. A group of Vamprie commandos tries to keep their identity secret, while trying to stop the spread of the infection. Soldiers from across the ages, it's up to these vampires to end the zombie infection. Caught in the middle is a group of human kids on a camping trip, who team up with the Vampires in an attempt to survive.
"When a WWII-era battleship, reactivated and deployed in the Persian Gulf for black-op interrogations, falls radio silent, an elite Marine task force, along with an NCIS investigator and two scientists, are sent to apprehend the terrorists... Only to find a more devious enemy." In other words, Lance Henriksen on a haunted battleship.
Oh, thank god, another movie about poker! And it stars both Burt Reynolds and Shannon Elizabeth! Where do I sign up? "As an ex-gambler teaches a hot-shot college kid some things about playing cards, he finds himself pulled into the world series of poker, where his protégé is his toughest competition.et against the world of high stakes poker, Deal follows the story of Tommy Vinson, an ex-gambler who quit the game of Texas Hold'em over 30 years ago after missing a family emergency and swearing to his wife, Helen, "never again". Tommy tries to be content with his luggage business but while watching a poker tournament on television, he sees someone who reminds him of his younger self, Alex Stillman. Alex is a cocky, hotshot card playing senior at Yale University. He is the best player there. Alex's parents would like him to go to law school, but Alex only dreams of playing professional poker, like the icons he sees on TV. After winning an on-line event that places him in the televised game, Alex loses early. He's close to greatness, but what he doesn't realize yet is that he focuses too much on the cards, and not the players… that's where Tommy comes in. Tommy finds Alex and makes a pact with him: he'll front Alex the high priced entry fees to all the major tournaments if Alex plays the way that Tommy wants him to. Alex resists at first, but after seeing Tommy make some impressive calls while watching a poker game together, Alex changes his mind and they partner. Alex's parents are sick about it, and Helen, Tommy's wife, is concerned that her husband will get sucked back into the game that took him away once before. Tommy promises Helen that this will not happen because he's not the one playing, Alex is. But after Tommy and Alex have a falling out over a local Las Vegas call girl that Tommy arranged to meet Alex and whom Alex has developed feelings for, things change, and everything is off. Tommy, who's now got the appetite back for the game and a hunger to be acknowledged as the best, enters the final tournament of the poker season and ends up facing Alex, his protege, in the finals of the World Poker Tour. And what happens there, even though only one will be declared champion, leaves them both winners." Ummm... Wasn't this originally called The Color of Money?
"Wealthy college student Richard Sachs arranges a web broadcast contest originating from a local haunted house. He entices three young couples to spend Halloween night in the abandoned dwelling by offering $5,000 in prize money. The last owner of the house was deranged killer Sean McIntyre, who murdered his entire family 20 years prior on Thanksgiving Day before hanging himself. McIntyre was an amateur mountain climber who used his grappling hook to gruesome effect during his murder spree; we learn that his descent into madness began when he killed what he believed was a Yeti on a trek up the Himalayas. "Richard has mini-video cameras situated throughout the McIntyre house to capture the happenings for his Internet broadcast," O'Hara continues. "When subscriptions for the show lag, he hires a porn star to take the place of one of the contestants. The participants include two college football players, their girlfriends and a geeky student who is paired with the amorous Velvet Luv, the hired porn star. The two football players are destined to clash over a simmering feud concerning team spirit. The evening starts off with a group séance where the spirit of Sean McIntyre is contacted and, unbeknownst to the youths, brought back from the other side. As the kids split up and follow clues given them under the rules of the contest, they are systematically slaughtered by McIntyre. Eventually, the kids realize they are being stalked and the survivors must make a final stand in the attic."
You knew it had to happen eventually - a horror flick with a 9/11 theme. "THE DEEPENING follows a troubled New York fireman (Ted Alderman) who suffers from post traumatic stress disorder after working the tragic terrorist events of 9-11. In search of a fresh start, he relocates to a small fire department in a quiet rural town where he seeks treatment from Doctor Chambers (Gunnar Hansen) for his recurring nightmares. The bad dreams, however, do not subside. Instead, they turn into a terrifying reality as the population of the town begins to sharply decrease." The movie, written by Jim O'Rear from a story idea by Ted Alderman and based on actual events, delivers the gritty camera style and "exploitative" feel of the late 1970's / early 1980's slasher flicks. "We're not going for art here," states O'Rear. "This is an outrageous and ugly horror story that just happens to be a fun and entertaining exploitative escape opportunity for the audience." "We're not going for art here." Oh, with Debbie Rochon in the cast I automatically assumed this was going to be a arthouse darling.
Dolph Lundgren's latest... At least he chooses movies with more imaginative plots than Steven Seagal does these days. "For a variety of reasons, a handful of travellers find themselves transporting a priceless religious artefact - the millennium-old, diamond-encrusted Two-Headed statue of Anubis- through the desolate and dangerous terrain of remotest China and Mongolia. One by one, as the journey progresses, they start to mysteriously die, each in a totally different yet strangely appropriate way. Who - or what -- is behind the murders? Greed? Duplicity? Religious fanaticism? Jealousy? Revenge? Or maybe even the ignored curse carved on the ancient tomb which they'd so blithely violated to first "liberate" their sacred cargo... Six are left... then 5, 4 - each dying despite mounting precautions, escalating mistrust and paranoia run rampant as, increasingly, the layers of deceit, facades and lies are peeled away, leaving, in the end, only the last stunning twist, the key to the riddle of it all."
"In the near future, society's thirst for reality TV has pushed the envelope to the edge, creating a sadistic kind of entertainment…SURVIVAL ISLAND 2020. The concept is simple...Stay Alive! Ten contestants are divided into five teams on a remote desert island. They must reach the other side of the island in three days, where for the winner, a boat and the $50 million cash prize awaits. While scavenging for food, supplies, and weapons, the players realize that they are not alone on the island. They are being hunted by an army unit of cold-blooded zombies. The demented super soldiers were left behind on the island, when it once housed a military base conducting secret, but failed, human experiments. Each team must find their strengths, gather their wits and try to outsmart the savage death squad that stalks them. If not, they are all DOOMED!" On DVD April 3rd and I say it's worth checking out. Seen it, not perfect, but pretty swanky no less.
"For 25 years an unspeakable evil has waited beneath the Pleasant Mountain Sanitarium. When a group of architecture students arrive, they uncover the secret behind the now abandoned facility and must use all of their mental abilites to escape from a hideous creature."
"An ordinary man is abducted by malevolent aliens and turned into a drilling and killing machine. The aliens now are his master, and they tell him what to do. He drills and kills through sex charged teens, a lost rock band, and pretty much anyone else in his way. His puppet masters have a bigger plan for him, his mission is to end the human race. DRILLER is inspired by Italian splatter films, 1980s slasher, and 1950s creature feature sci-fi freakout."
"Horror gets super-sized when Horny The Clown, the demonic mascot of "Hella-Burger," starts slashing Orange County teenagers with his meat cleaver from Hell. Mackenzie Carpenter, a gorgeous 17-year-old girl who would kick your ass for saying so, thinks her biggest problem is dying of boredom in the bucolic wasteland of Orange County...that is until her classmates start dying of massive blood loss and Horny The Clown begins madly stalking her with cryptic messages hidden in 70's kitsch toys. It isn't until Mac discovers her unbelievable connection to Horny and his victims that she realizes, if she's gonna live to see 18, she must come face to face with the killer clown in the bloodiest week Blanca Carne, California has ever known."
Jeff Fahey plays a scientist who, along with fellow scientist Dee Wallace Stone, has just created the Eden Formula, a revolutionary DNA formula that can synthetically reproduce virtually any organism. Tony Todd leads some evil corporate henchmen types sent into the research facility to steal the Eden Formula. In the process they unwittingly release the genetically engineered Tyrannosaurus Rex that Fahey's scientist character created as a means to prove stockholders and investors that the Eden Formula works. Word is this John Carl Bueschler-directed dino flick (originally titled Tyrannosaurus Wrecks) is actually worse than Jim Wynorski's RAPTOR, a film that was built around recycling F/X footage from Roger Corman's Carnosaur flicks. If so, then the depths of this film's awfulness may be bottomless. On DVD March 27th.
A Mexican wrestling themed slasher movie starring Rey Mysterio Sr., uncle of WWE's Rey Mysterio Jr., as a homicidal luchador? Sounds good to me. Thank goodness they changed the title from the original too gimmicky Wrestlemaniac. "On their way to Caba San Lucas, the cast and crew of a low-budget film get lost and come upon "La Sangre De Dios", a ghost town with a spine-tingling legend about an insane Mexican wrestler. The leader of the pack and first time director, Alphonse, likes the town's gritty appearance and decides it would be the perfect setting for his film. The crew positions the camera and snaps on the lights. When Alphonse yells "Action!", it arouses the famous and now insane Luchador, "El Mascarado" (The Masked Man), who begins a game of his own. One by one, the cast and crew are snatched, beaten and dragged to a bloody death. The few left alive must figure out how to beat the wrestler at his own deadly game, or die trying."
"In this unsettling and creepy thriller, Karen (Ilona Elkin), a young nurse who works in a psychiatric ward, boards the last subway train of the night only to have it stop suddenly in the middle of the tunnel. As those around her are brutally murdered, Karen and a handful of survivors must face supernatural forces, homicidal religious cult members, as well as their own fears and suspicions of Armageddon, in order to survive." I'll say this - the creatures are rather creepy looking.
"Connie Morris is an elementary school teacher with an unhappy marriage and a penchant for romance novels. When a nightly series of intense dream fantasies unexplainably implicate Connie in adultery, Connie's waking life begins to unravel. As mysterious precognitive visions and hallucinations plague her days, Connie is forced to question her own sanity. But the connection between Connie's dreams and waking nightmares soon reveals itself, as Connie stumbles upon a national government conspiracy involving ESP and mind control. Risking everything to stop an insidious coup and regain control of her own life, Connie discovers the potential of her own extraordinary psychic powers, hidden dormant inside her."
James Van Der Beek vs. a giant squid! For the Sci-Fi Channel. I'm rooting for the squid.
"Set in near future Winston-Salem, North Carolina, Eyeborgs combines action, horror, and political commentary in a tale of sophisticated surveillance robots going out of control. Following another 9/11 scale terrorist attack, the Department of Homeland Security takes extreme precautions to monitor the nation, including introducing small surveillance machines called "Eyeborgs" that can not only monitor the populace but even enforce the law with potentially deadly force. Suffice it to say, the Eyeborgs go haywire; possibly due to sabotage or possibly due to the machines becoming sentient enough to reprogram themselves. A Homeland Security agent, TV reporter, and the President's punk rocker nephew join forces to find out the truth behind the Eyeborgs' major malfunction and find a way to control-alt-delete them once and for all." Eyeborgs marks the first full length production from North Carolina based Crimson Wolf Productions and is directed by Richard Clabaugh, who previously helmed the giant snake eats Wil Wheaton, Jenny McCarthy, and Casper Van Dien opus Python. This one looks like it has tremendous potential. Head over to the film's website and check out the faux Homeland Security video touting the success of the Eyeborgs program. Great stuff.
FALLEN ANGELS "When a turn of the century prison reformatory is slated for demolition, a grisly discovery is made. Hidden deep underground beneath the west cell block is a sub-basement structure that has not been entered in 100 years. Inside are the skeletal remains of several brutally slain children. As a CSI team arrives at the prison, an even more disturbing discovery is made that will eventually unveil a legion of seven demons and their even more chilling origins: each demon is responsible for one of the seven deadly sins. Seven deadly sins...Seven deadly demons...Seven more deadly ways to die..." The overloaded with genre names cast includes the likes of Michael Dorn, Bill Moseley, Adrianne Curry, Christopher Knight, Martin Kove, Christie Hemme, Michael Berryman, Ruth Buzzi, and Kevin McCarthy.
"A '66 Fastback car punishes its owner for back seat sex. Well endowed Billy gets an old car from his very religious Aunt Tilly. It gets worse, when Billy's hated school rival, Arnelle, discovers what's going on in Fastback; she devises some electronics to control Fastback from her computer and really torments Billy." Herbie, the Abstinence Bug, anyone?
"A young group of friends head out to a cabin in the desert. Something has landed in the desert and it needs to eat..." Well, that certainly sounds original.
"Out on a dead calm ocean, in a thick fog, a group of tourists on a pleasure craft are about to cross paths with an ancient and terrible evil. Sharing the same ocean, a sick, dying old Greek man drifts alone on a stricken yacht. The Greek (John Rhys-Davies) has been cheating death for countless years. Trading broken bodies for new ones over centuries. With him he carries a deadly weapon that allows him to do this. This weapon, the Shifting Blade, gives its possessor an awesome power. But now is the time of reckoning. The Ferryman, the ancient conveyor of death and the path to the afterlife is close and he wants the Greek. There is a payment to be made. But the Greek has found another way to escape. The tourists and crew on board a tourist yacht have rescued what they think is a sick and dying man. But when the body-swapping Greek comes among them there's no way of knowing who's evil and who's good. There will be blood in the water by the time he's finished, but will he escape death again at the expense of the lives of everyone onboard? Or will the Ferryman play another game with everyone's lives? All so he can claim the one spirit that has escaped him for over a millennium - The Greek."
"A group of theatre students are about to have one of their annual "members only" bash at the University playhouse. On this particular night, the leader of the group, Chase, decides to "initiate" one of the beautiful freshmen girls. He gets her drunk and "to seal the deal" he slips her a hit of ecstasy. She has an adverse reaction to it and dies during the"initiation. The group decides that their future is too important so they decide to leave the body in the old theatre tunnels. When the group is asked to stick around in the theater for a late rehearsal, it becomes apparent that someone wants them to pay for their actions. How many will die before The Final Curtain comes down?"
The success of Dancing with the Stars seems to have inspired a resurgence in the subgenre of dance-themed movies. So why not flamenco dancing? "Flirting with Flamenco is an uplifting romantic comedy about 'plain jane' Sylia who works in a call centre to help support her unemployed dad and rising football star brother. When out of the blue gorgeous guitarist Pablo enters Sylvia's life. Tempted to start Flamenco lessons by Pablo's charms, the sexy flamenco rhythms move her feet, and Sylvia begins to blossom."
"When younger brother Bobby ends up in a coma after a car accident, Sean must abandon their plans of going to the same college and pledging the same fraternity. Sean's initiation into the leadership of the fraternity exposes him to the deviant and subversive world of savage hazings by his increasingly twisted fraternity brothers. Sean, with the help of his beautiful girlfriend Erica, try to stop the madness of frat president Mark and his goons in a violent and perverted confrontation that ends badly. Mysteriously, it is this event that wakes brother Bobby from his coma. Seemingly healthy and alert now, Bobby enrolls for the second semester not to study, but for revenge. Set in the late 70's, this gritty and twisted film taps into the physical and mental underpinnings of the meaning of the word "brother" in a way reminiscent of the best of late 70's grindhouse and early 80's slashers."
Gay-themed slasher spoof about a fraternity "hell night" staged at Hell Island, site of a multiple murder on the 4th of July 20 years earlier. Protagonist Jack is a gay pledge whose sexuality is known only to his also-closeted frat-brother boyfriend. On hell night, Jack not only has to worry about ghosts and fraternity hazing: There's also a murderous clown on the loose, which has nothing on the perils of being in the closet while in the frat.
"It's sometime in the near future and the gene that produces all violence and anger has been identified and isolated, and thanks to a simple procedure, can be removed at birth. No more crime, no more war. Utopia…or so it would seem. Certain individuals still managed to slip through the net and this made them a serious threat. To protect Utopia, the Supreme Council decides to act, to fight fire with fire. Thus 'Fuellers' were made. Men and women taken from their parents at infancy for their genetic pre-disposition towards violence. To arm them against this threat toward society, the Council made use of the stored violent gene extract. The drug nicknamed "Fuel" was created. These 'Fuellers' were trained in the ways of controlled aggression with the aid of Fuel, the very thing they are designed to combat on behalf of society. For rogue law enforcer Lindsey, getting pumped up on Government sanctioned Fuel is just another day at the office. Lindsey is a Fueller with a painful history and a reputation. When he discovers a high level conspiracy to secretly spread Fuel into the common water supply and it becomes clear that this seemingly 'perfect world' is about to ignite. If you play with Fuel, expect to be burnt ... A pumped-up hybrid of The Matrix and Fight Club in the style of Saw, Fuel is a high-octane adrenalin rush with a kick." In pre-production.
I only got a chance to see two of the HorrorFest films and unfortunately for me, Dark Ride was one of those films. If anyone had told me this past May after I saw See No Evil that before 2006 was over I'd have found myself sitting in a theater yet again watching another uber generic slasher flick that's even dumber and more poorly made I'd have told that person they were insane - and then came Dark Ride. And now comes another slasher movie about a bunch of teens in a rundown amusement park where some grisly murders occurred years earlier being killed by a mysterious murderer. Not Dark Ride, this time it's The Fun Park. It seems that "Bobo, the Insult Clown" was brutally bludgeoned to death while locking up the Family Fun Park one unfortunate evening in 1980. The urban legend ever since claiming the place is now haunted by Bobo's ghost proves too much to resist for six teens. They expected to debunk the old legend but it turns out that Bobo actually lives in the bowels of the now abandoned park and it seems Bobo has moved up from insults to mass murder. A young teen couple survives to tell their tale to the police, but after the cops find no bodies or evidence to support their claims it's now up to the young woman's psychologist to take up the case. You can check out the trailer for The Fun Park at the film's almost barebones official website. It really looks no better or worse than any other slasher film out there these days. Heck, it still better than Dark Ride to me. I'm willing to bet anyone $10 that Lionsgate picks up The Fun Park for DVD distribution.
More wacky animal shenangans currently in development from the people behind the Air Bud and Spymate flicks. "First there was the Goodfellas, next came the Usual Suspects, but now it's time to meet the most unusual suspects of them all; The Furry Bandits. There's a big secret most people don't know about Central Park and the raccoons that live there: These cute little guys are actually one of the most renowned and ambitious 'organized families'. This furry mafia has ruled the park with no problems since Godfather Rosco can remember…until now that is… It seems that all the youth have lost the meaning of family. No one has the same values anymore and Rosco knows that a mafia without strong ties is no mafia at all. Rosco feels partly responsible since it's long been told that he and his brother Ricardo are no longer friends. After a falling out, his brother moved to Mexico and set up a whole new family, one he could rule on his own, The Banditos. Rosco knows the time has come for the families to make amends. He sends the new blood, teenagers Tiny, Donut, Phil and their French cousin, Herbe down to Mexico with a package to deliver to his brother Ricardo and the Banditos. It's their first assignment so he knows they'll give it their all. If Rosco and Ricardo can't be friends, then at least the younger generation can. After a series of mishaps secretly planned by Rosco, the Bandits and some of the younger Banditos suddenly find themselves working together to save their own reputations and in doing so, they form the bond of a lifetime. Rosco's plan has worked. He's taught the kids some invaluable lessons about the importance of ties and friendships. Little does he know however, that he's taught them so much that they are now on a mission of their own; to get Rosco and Ricardo back together. Hang on tight as the new generation shows everyone it's time to run the family their way!" In pre-production.
"Boyz n the Hood" meets "Dawn of the Dead" in this action-packed gorefest following two rival gangs from South Central Los Angeles who travel to an abandoned warehouse to meet an arms dealer. When they discover that the building is overrun with murderous zombies, the opposing factions must work together with each other and the cops in order to get out alive." On DVD in May.
"Johnny X and his rebellious gang of juvenile delinquents from outer space (called the Ghastly Ones) have been banished to planet Earth until they can pay for their crimes. The Ghastly Ones are in hot pursuit of a mysterious femme fatale named BLISS, who has stolen their most prized possession-a strange suit with magical powers known as the "resurrection suit." When Johnny X wears this suit, he can control anyone against their will. To capture Bliss, Johnny must form an unlikely alliance with a shifty show promoter, King Clayton, who desperately needs the resurrection suit for his own selfish scheme-to insure that the legendary rock star Mickey O'Flynn successfully completes a comeback concert. Johnny's plight is further complicated when the unpredictable rocker suddenly drops dead, forcing him to use the suit for a far darker purpose-to bring the late, great Mickey O'Flynn back from the grave for a spectacular concert of the macabre!" Will Keenan stars in this black & white, musical, homage/spoof of 1950's sci-fi and teenage rock 'n' roll flicks. Look for appearances by Reggie Bannister, Paul Williams, and Kevin McCarthy.
Not an actual movie, just a series of vignettes featuring a bunch of ex-Playboy models posing need in goth-horror themed exposes. Basically the horror movie equivalent of a Japanese cosplay.
Thank goodness for this movie. Just not enough sand monster movies out there for my money. Judging by the promo art, someone better call the other members of the Fantastic Four because it looks like The Thing has gone feral. "Putting their hectic lives on hold for the weekend, a group of twentysomething pals decide to leave Los Angeles for a well deserved camping excursion in the Mojave Desert. Crammed into a loaded passenger van, the eight young men and women are bumping along the crumbling roads north of L.A. County when a dilapidated ghost town appears along the highway. Curiosity overcomes them, and eight travelers disembark to explore the abandoned structures amid the eerie sand dunes and are attacked by a sand monster. - The Golem"
Grizzly Park was filmed up in the mountains of Virginia-Tennessee and, more importantly, was produced by CHUD.com's very own Nick Nunziata. The film has a park ranger leading a bunch of delinquents up to some campgrounds that they've been assigned to clean up as part of their community service. Unfortunately for them... Well, the movie is called Grizzly Park. You do the math. The film co-stars Glen Morshower (Best known to fans of "24" as the awesome Agent Aaron Pierce) as well as Ron Howard's dad Rance; and it marks the directing debut of a guy named Tom Skull, which may very well be the greatest name for a horror director ever short of Rob Zombie.
Directed by B-movie mainstay David Decoteau in an all-too-rare change of pace these days from making horror films with homoerotic overtones. As to why the grizzly is in a rage? Well, it probably has to do with the group of teenagers that ran over her bear cub. There's also the little matter of mama bear having taken refuge in an abandoned government facility where our tax money was being used for some sort of nuclear testing. You know what that means? Correct. Radioactive grizzly bear out for revenge! For the Sci-Fi Channel...
"Twilight Cove, a small forgotten town, is under siege by hideous creatures summoned into our dimension by a group of occultists. Soon the creatures will develop an army to wreak havoc on the world. It is only a matter of time before the creatures will be ready to attack the rest of civilization. At dusk, a beat-up truck rolls into town. The truck's door slides open, and a rag-tag team of hardened mercenaries emerges from the creature-killing arsenal-on-wheels. This is not the first time they've been called in to exterminate. They are part of a secret society operating outside of the government and the public eye for thousands of years. Their mission is to keep our world safe from evil -- of our own creation and from beyond. Using their cunning skills and unconventional weapons, The Guardians are the only people capable of battling the mutating creatures and saving mankind from their infestation before it's too late."
Of all the movies to produce a direct-to-DVD sequel to - somebody, anybody, justify for me the existence of a sequel to the horrendous Steven Seagal/Ja Rule prison action flick Half Past Dead? It sounded like a bad joke, but no, it's for real. Half Past Dead 2 is in production as we speak. Ja Rule, who was such a annoying actor in the original film that I suggested renaming him Jar Jar Rule, is back. Steven Seagal, for whatever reason, perhaps even a case of temporary sanity, opted not to return. However, his character from the first film will be back. And who will be filling Steven Seagal's shoes in this sequel no one except the producers wanted? That would be ex-pro wrestler turned satanic Santa, Bill Goldberg, who apparently learned nothing from co-starring in the mistake that was Universal Soldier: The Return. How the hell does a film franchise go from Steven Seagal to Bill Goldberg and actually expect audiences to buy that this is supposed to be the same character? Could they not find an ex-professional wrestler who at least bore some physical resemblance to Seagal? Yeah, I realize those options are limited what with Yokozuna having died years ago, but still. Coming to DVD this May.
"Liz Chambers, a college sophomore, is on her way back to school from spring break when her car breaks down, leaving her stranded in a quiet Bible-belt town, eerily accepted by the local townspeople. One hundred years ago, a preacher named Jonas Hathaway, who believed that land under the town was hallowed, crucified the town's sinners in the cornfields by turning them into human scarecrows whose screams would drive away the hungry birds. On the anniversary of Hathaway's death, Liz, unwittingly unleashes his evil spirit into the body of a scarecrow. Seems the inhabitants of the town have been eagerly awaiting Hathaway's rebirth thought the child he intends to father with Liz. Chased by the entire town and the maniacal scarecrow, Liz fights to survive the night in hopes of returning to a world where cramming for exams is as bad as it gets." Most noteworthy cast member is Hudson Leick AKA Xena, Warrior Princess' arch-nemesis Callisto.
No doubt a future Skinemax flick produced by Fred Olen Ray. If nothing else, what a title!
"Back in 1958 there was a trouble some hillbilly called William Sawyer, he was an arsonist and he also caused a lot of fatal accidents. Election time is coming and the mayor wants him out of the town as all the trouble looks bad on him. He orders a bent group of cops and townspeople to kill this hillbilly and hide the body. They do, and nobody else ever knows about this cover up murder. But over the years there have been sightings, and talks of a local legend called 'Hellbilly'. The legend that he's not really dead and he's still in the woods, waiting for revenge. Well the legend is true, and Hellbilly of 58 is back in town."
"When a group of college kids win a trip to New Orleans for Mardi Gras, they soon find themselves on a rollercoaster ride of survival as bodies drop left and right. The workers at a local Voodoo tourist trap suddenly begin turning up dead, and the group must bind together and stay alive to figure out who is behind this most wicked plot. But, hey, who can be inconvenienced at the biggest party of the year?"
"Feeling the pressure from Allied advance, Hitler unleashes his secret weapons. Throughout the European theatre of WWII, Lieutenant John Schmidt comes face to face with these "weapons" which terrorize U.S. soldiers fighting the Third Reich. The Office of Strategic Services (The O.S.S., precursor to the C.I.A.) initiates missions behind enemy lines to find the source of these weapons, a mysterious scientist by the name of Dr. Schaltur. Schmidt is joined by Captain Joe Russo and his group of war-hardened GIs who have experienced for themselves the all-too-real horrors of war in battle. Together, they must find the Dr. Schaltur and stop him before Hitler's horrific vision can be fully realized."
"While trying to find where her younger brother wandered off to, Jenny and David, must search an abandoned wrecking yard with a horrifying history."
"Hyenas" the movie is an urban legend detailing accounts of human encounters and attacks by a sub-culture of predatory cryptohuman Hyenas. These shape-shifting human-like creatures prowl the rural back roads and forests of North America and have long been thought to exist by Cryptozoologists. Folklore and sightings persist even as mainstream science denies their existence. But these fierce creatures with bone crushing jaws and an appetite for human flesh are real and live up to the fierce reputation of their cousin, the African Spotted Hyena. A dozen snarling, fighting crypto Hyenas can devour an adult human -- skeleton and flesh -- in a matter of minutes."
An Olympic ski team is practicing at a remote ski resort that has the grave misfortune of being nearby a secret gov't lab from which big mutant spiders have escaped. The film stars three former cast members of Melrose Place (Patrick Muldoon, Thomas Calabro, and Vanessa Williams) and is directed by Tibor Takacs, who also gave us The Gate, and I, Madman, and Mansquito (I make no apologies for my love for Mansquito!). It turns out that even prolific TV mega-producer Stephen J. Cannell (The A-Team, The Rockford Files, and The Greatest American Hero amongst countless more) has an acting role in the film. As if you really need me to tell you this is Sci-Fi Channel bound.
An Australian slasher flick based around the game of cricket!
Anna Nicole Smith's final role... And it co-stars ex-WWE women's wrestler Joanie "Chyna" Lauer (now known as Chyna Doll) turned menace to sobriety on various VH1 reality programs... Good lord, can you imagine what it must have been like on the set with these two human trainwrecks? "Charlie's Angels" goes sci-fi, with a touch of "Men In Black" thrown in for good measure, when three aliens morph into super-hot babes and arrive to protect the earth from the intergalactic forces of evil. Guided by Syntax, their holographic mentor, these Illegal Aliens are willing to use every trick in the book and every sexy outfit in their wardrobe to accomplish their mission! This film is filled with high-energy action, lowbrow spoofs and the high-camp acting reminiscent of the classic B-Movie genre how else could this film get away with Anna Nicole Smith saving the world? "Illegal Alien's" pokes fun at today's Hollywood and pays tribute to the so-called "Bad Movies" we all love to hate!" I would actually recommend taking a look at the trailer just to marvel at how god awful this thing looks. BEWARE: coming to DVD this summer.
A meteorite unleashes a deadly plague in a small town in Albert Pyun's attempt to channel Alfred Hitchcock with this sci-fi thriller filmed in a single take.
"No one would ever believe what happened the night Jack Brooks witnessed the brutal murder of his family. His life destroyed, all he has left is an unquenchable fury he's now fighting to control. Now the local plumber, Jack continuously struggles with his memories as his life becomes a downward spiral until his girlfriend Eve convinces him to attend night classes. Little does he know that in that dank, tiresome classroom, his destiny awaits. Evil awakens as Jack unknowingly disturbs the grounds surrounding Professor Crowley 's dilapidated old home. Lured by this ancient demonic power, Crowley discovers a monstrous black heart that quickly forces its way into him. Possessed by the heart now beating in his chest, the Professor starts a slow, gruesome, transformation... One night, as Crowley bursts into a creature of legends, Jack finally discovers the true purpose of his rage as he attempts to save the lives of his classmates and learns that you can't run from your past..." Look for Freddy Krueger himself Robert England as Professor Crowley. |
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