FOYCAST 8: THE TEN WORST DTV MOVIES OF 2009You wanted it! You demanded it! You waited

[Foywonder]

You wanted it! You demanded it! You waited for it! You got it! At long last, the Foycast is back, baby!

It always seems to take awhile but the wait is worth it. Over an hour of audio for your ears to choke on. You'll hear about stomach viruses, computer viruses, my video collection, and how certain indie horror films are sucking my will to live. That will lead into the annual listing of the worst DVD horror movies of the past year. I'll even leave all of you as speechless Uncle Creepy was when I conclude the podcast with a dramatic reading from a schlocky book from my past. You ain't heard nothing yet!

Things get off to a slow start as Uncle Creepy and I do the usual explanation as to what the heck took so long in getting a new Foycast recorded, a discussion during which you'll probably hear more about stomach viruses then you ever wanted to hear from either of us.

Then, I just randomly read off the titles of some of the videos in my VHS collection. This part admittedly not as entertaining as it could have been because I spent most of that segment desperately trying to belch. If I sound a little short of breath during that portion it's because I was drinking a Pepsi as we began the show and experienced that sensation when you really, really, really want to belch but you just can't. I hate that. You have no idea how close you all came to hearing a Godzilla-sized belch on the air.

The soda-induced gas finally passes in time for what many of you have been bugging me about for weeks: the annual top ten of the worst direct-to-DVD horror movies of 2009. It's an eclectic mix of old and new, American and foreign, low budget and no budget, and in a shocking turn of events, not a single Asylum production makes the list this year.

Wrapping it all up is something truly special; something never before done on a Dread Central podcast; something that will blow your minds. A dramatic literary reading by yours truly! Bad cinema gives way to schlocky literature as I read a passage from a very special book from my past. I've done some poetry in past podcasts but never anything quite like this.

So sit back and enjoy the eighth installment of Foycast. Opening the show will be a musical salute to that most noble warrior of the poultry kingdom in the form of the majestic theme song to the 1983 cockfighting cinema classic, Rooster: Spurs of Death. Truly the proudest bird I know.

LISTEN AND/OR DOWNLOAD HERE

[Doctor Ted Nelson]

Oh my God, that "dramatic literary reading" was truly epic.

[Foywonder]

I thought people would enjoy that. Behold the cover art.

[mdamien13]

Oh man, you brought up a VHS that you own called "Angelfist" which I still have fond memories of as one of the first softcore movies I watched in junior high. Cute, topless blonde defeating ninjas with roundhouse kicks - what's not to love?

Great list - for once I haven't seen any movie in your Worst 10!

[Poom Crystalmeth]

The crab's shell was as big as the "dining room table in the hall"?

That was almost as awesome as that famous passage from "Silk and Steel" (very dramatic reading at http://tindeck.com/listen/dsxo). This sort of thing gives hope to all us unpublished authors.

[Psyclone]

When Foy started the softcore porn dramatic reader I kept thinking "Let me guess: a monster strikes and kills them all in one sentence." When the crabs showed up, despite knowing there would be a low probability of that happening, I kept hoping for a "Attack its weak point for massive damage" joke.

At the risk of going into "creepy fanboy" territory, I take it from Foy's statement that he was 8 when he read the book and that he first saw it in 1983 at the earliest, he must be about 35? And seeing as his "debut" was in early 2001, he was 25 at the time? Wow, that means there's still 3 years time for the possibility of me going insane and start dredging through the absolute worst films ever made as a hobby!

[demonmonkey]

I really thought the reading was going to be from a Friday the 13th novelization or one of those young adult slasher books that got big in the mid to late 80s.....

Dude. Crab monsters and naked teens rule. I've been artistically inspired. I'll post that when i'm done.

[The Rev. D.D.]

The whole 'cast was great work, but the reading...holy shit. I nearly spewed root beer all over my monitor when the crab appeared. I ended up laughing in sheer delight at the rest of the story. Truly epic.



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I have a terrible, sick urge to find that book now.