MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE DEATH WARRANT

2006 is history. Last month you got my Top 10 Movies I Didn't Pay To See last year and if you head over to my blog you'll find my list of the 10 Worst Direct-To-Video Horror Movies of 2006. Now before we head into the first Foyeurism of 2007 we're going to kick the cinematic corpse of 2006 one last time. It's the 2006 FOYBLES, my own personal movie awards or some crap like that which I cooked up on a lark. Yeah, real prestigious stuff here. So here come my choices for best and worst and some other nonsense in between from last year's crop of movies that I've actually seen. Reviews of many of which can be found in the Archives section (button above & below). WARNING: The views expressed in the 2006 Foybles are strictly my own and lord knows I can't be taken seriously. I gave THE GINGERDEAD MAN four stars, for crying out loud! Who'd be dumb enough to listen to me?

THE 2006 FOYBLES

BEST MOVIE OF 2006: United 93 - Simply an amazing film from start to finish. Nothing exploitive about it. The majority of the film deals not with what happens on Flight 93 but with the air traffic controllers, FAA, and NORAD dealing with the chaos of that day. If I had any one complaint about the film it would be too much shaky cam footage. Despite all the talk about the film being a downer (Obviously it does not have a happy ending) I still didn't walk out depressed afterwards. I came away feeling pretty much the same thoughts I had on 9/11 - that I had seen the very worst of humanity and the very best. Maybe Americans aren't ready to sit through this great film along these lines but I guarantee you that generations to come will look back on UNITED 93 as almost a historical document.

SECOND BEST MOVIE OF 2006: Borat - I cannot tell you the last time I laughed this hard at anything in a movie theater. The naked hotel room fight nearly caused me to be hospitalized.

OTHER FAVES OF 2006: V For Vendetta, The Departed, Snakes on a Plane, Jet Li's Fearless, The Descent, The Host, Slither, Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drift

MOVIE YOU'D PROBABLY BE MOST SURPRISED TO KNOW I HAVEN'T SEEN: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - Haven't seen the first one either. Don't know why I haven't been able to bring myself to see these films, although it might have something to do with two-and-a-half hour running times for each. Is it asking too much for popcorn films these days to keep it under two hours?

MOVIES I'D LIKE TO SEE IF ANY DAMN MOVIE THEATERS IN MY AREA WOULD SHOW THEM: Pan's Labyrinth, The Queen, Jesus Camp, Children of Men

THE ULTIMATE GUILTY PLEASURE MOVIE OF 2006: Fast & the Furious: Tokyo Drift - I really shouldn't have had as much fun watching this movie as I did. As I said in my Foyeurism, the most screwed up Karate Kid rip-off ever made!

MOVIE I FEEL SOMEWHAT GUILTY ABOUT ENJOYING: X-Men: The Last Stand - It really is a mess of a movie that totally squanders the "Dark Phoenix" storyline by shoehorning it into a 20-minute subplot and, no doubt, many other characters see their entire comic book legacy shat on, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I found just enough about it to like to not feel completely letdown by it as so many others have. A lot of the saving grace on my part goes to Sir Ian MacKellan as Magneto, the unsung hero of the X-Men franchise. His grandiose and almost Shakespearean villainy as Magneto that was the lynch pin keeping Brett Ratner's sequel from totally falling apart at the seams.

MOVIE MOST DESERVING OF BEING FOUND GUILTY: Black Christmas - We'll get to it. Oh, believe me when I tell you we'll get to it.

2006 FILMS DESTINED FOR FUTURE CULT STATUS: Snakes on a Plane, Abominable, Feast, Crank, Slither

THIS IS HOW HORROR IS DONE: The Descent

AND THIS IS NOT: When a Stranger Calls, Stay Alive, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, Black Christmas

WHY DID HORROR WEBSITES GO GA-GA FOR THIS CRAP: Tamara

BEST MOVIE I SAW AT THE AFTERDARK HORRORFEST: The Gravedancers

WORST MOVIE I SAW AT THE AFTERDARK HORRORFEST: Dark Ride

MOVIES I SAW AT THE AFTERDARK HORRORFEST: The Gravedancers & Dark Ride

WORST DTV MOVIES OF 2006 (THAT WEREN'T JUST GLORIFIED BACKYARD PRODUCTIONS): Komodo vs. Cobra, Absolute Zero, Pirates of Treasure Island, Hillside Cannibals, Warriors of Terra, Cloud 9, Cemetery Gates, Road House 2: The Last Call

WORST SCI-FI CHANNEL ORIGINAL MOVIE NOT TITLED KOMODO VS. COBRA: Stan Lee's Lightspeed

BEST AND WORST MOVIE OF THE YEAR ABOUT BEARS IN SPACE: The Sci-Fi Channel's Savage Planet

MADE-FOR-TV HOWLER OF THE YEAR: ABC's shamelessly heavy-handed panic button thriller Fatal Contact: Bird Flu in America

PROOF THAT THERE IS NO GOD: Curse of Halloween

SPECIAL RECOGNITION FOR FUNNIEST SLASHER FLICK ABOUT A MASS MURDERER WITH A GIANT PASTRY FOR A HEAD: The Muffin Man

BEST ACTION SEQUENCES: The last 20 minutes of The Protector, The naked hotel fight in Borat, The opening monster rampage in The Host

POTENTIAL FUTURE BAD MOVIE FAVES: The Covenant, The Wicker Man, Deck the Halls, See No Evil, The Marine

WORST EDITING HACK JOBS OF 2006: Stay Alive, Ultraviolet, Black Christmas

MOVIE IN DESPERATE NEED OF HAVING EDITORS UNLEASHED UPON IT: Superman Returns

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING: The Da Vinci Code, Poseidon, Lady in the Water, Silent Hill, Deja Vu, Eragon, Superman Returns

HEY, I THINK YOU FORGOT SOMETHING: Mary Elizabeth Winstead's magically vanishing and then reappearing Southern accent in Black Christmas

MOST ANNOYING TRENDS: Unnecessary horror movie remakes, CGI animated films about talking animals, movies about dancing, studios re-editing a movie into incoherency

MOST INEXPLICABLE MOVIE MOMENTS OF 2006: The sex scene in Bloodrayne, The rock candy/summer camp molestation story scene in The Marine, The out-of-the-blue insinuation that his daddy used to beat him dialogue delivered by John Cena in The Marine, The whole last 15 minutes of The Wicker Man, The "Americanized" ending to The Descent, The entire Sharon Stone/David Morrissey relationship in Basic Instinct 2, The quintuple twist ending to Saw 3, The "I'm going to make you my wi-otch!" line from The Covenant

WE ARE MAUDLIN: We Are Marshall - The first 20 minutes of this film are as good as anything that came out this year; a pity they insisted on tacking an extra two hours onto it.

HOW THE HELL DID THIS GET A THEATRICAL RELEASE: Crossover

SERIOUSLY, HOW THE HELL DID THIS GET A THEATRICAL RELEASE: Crossover

WELCOME BACK: Sylvester Stallone in Rocky Balboa

GO AWAY: Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct 2

DUDE, IT'S OVER: Harrison Ford in Firewall

ACTOR MOST IN NEED OF SOMEONE LOSING THEIR GRIP ON THEIR NINTENDO WII CONTROLLER AND HAVING IT WIND UP IMPALED INTO HIS SKULL (AKA THE ROB SCHNEIDER MEMORIAL AWARD): Tyler Perry - I've only seen a few minutes of Diary of Mad Black Woman but that was all I ever needed to see of Tyler Perry's Medea. I don't get it. I don't get the humor and I don't get the appeal. It's like it should be called Big Momma's Family. I suppose black Christians need their own Ernest.

MISCASTING CHOICE OF THE YEAR: Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane in Superman Returns - She proved so wrong for the role it wasn't even funny.

HEY, DON'T YOU KNOW THERE ARE STARVING ACTORS IN AFRICA WITHOUT ANY SCENERY OF THEIR OWN TO CHEW ON: Matthew McConaughey in We Are Marshall, Meatloaf in Bloodrayne, Brian "D.K." Tee in Fast & the Furious: Tokyo Drift, Kevin Dillon in Poseidon, Nathan Jones in The Protector (Who knew one could ham it up that much with only a series of loud grunts?)

WORST PERFORMANCE BY A LIVING ACTOR BEHAVING AS IF HE WERE ALREADY DEAD WHILE PLAYING THE ROLE OF A CHARACTER THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE UNDEAD: Ben Kingsley in Bloodrayne

WORST ACTING OF 2006: Camille Belle in When a Stranger Calls, Kate Bosworth in Superman Returns, Mila Jovovich in Ultraviolet), Bob Balaban in Lady in the Water, David Morrissey in Basic Instinct 2, Ben Kingsley in Bloodrayne, John Malkovich in Eragon, Bow Wow & Nathalie Kelley in Fast & the Furious: Tokyo Drift, Everyone not named Robert Patrick in The Marine, The entire cast of Crossover

SPECIAL RECOGNITION FOR OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN THE FIELD OF BLOWING SHIT UP: The Marine - A work of such stunning incompetence as to make Uwe Boll look like Martin Scorcese by comparison. Perhaps in 15-20 years one will be able to look back on The Marine as a comically inept action flick of astronomical proportions that can be laughed at in a "so bad it's good" sort of way. Somehow I suspect that 15-20 years from now those that dare look back upon it will still think it sucks a big one. It just boggles the mind how any sane person could have read the screenplay for this thing and thought it was worth producing. Then again, Vince McMahon produced this thing and he and sanity haven't been seen in the same room since the XFL debacle.

MOVIE THAT WOULD HAVE MADE IT ONTO MY TEN MOVIES I DIDN'T PAY TO SEE AND A I PLAN TO KEEP IT THAT WAY LIST EXCEPT I DID ACTUALLY SEE SOME OF IT: Date Movie - Seriously, this film would have ended up on my annual list except I actually saw the first 20 minutes of it. I'd say that you really need to see a few minutes of this film just to truly comprehend bad filmmaking at its worst but to do so would actually require you to watch this crap. I actually felt pity for Allison Hannigan to the point of just wanting to take her hand, give her hug, and assure her that everything was going to be all right. This film doesn't deserve scorn; it deserves pity. That the people responsible for it have been allowed to go on and make another movie that looks to be cut from the same cloth (2007's spoof EPIC MOVIE), now that deserves scorn. Ah, hell, that deserves violence.

SECOND WORST MOVIE OF THE YEAR: Nacho Libre - Words escape me as to how painful I found this movie to be. I was literally cringing. I just don't get the appeal of this Jared Hess. He goes out of his way to create stereotypical characters and then magnifies their idiosyncrasies while still insisting on a low-key approach that mostly consists of the camera lingering on someone standing awkwardly silent; somehow this is supposed to instill laughter. I recall sitting in the theater - pretty much ready to walkout at any point after the first half - and hearing some teenagers behind me burst into laughter from nothing more than having the camera linger on the face of Jack Black, often doing nothing - not even making a funny face. I just don't get it. This was a painfully unfunny film that didn't even seem to know a whole heck of a lot about its subject matter and even less about what constitutes comedy. Unless, of course, you're one of those persons that need only to have Jack Black stare blankly into the camera in order to having a laughing fit. This was one of the very worst movies I saw all year.

WORST THEATRICALLY RELEASED MOVIE OF 2006: Black Christmas - Folks, I'd call this movie shit, but doing so would be an insult to fecal matter. Christian groups raised a stink because they were outraged Hollywood would make a Christmas-themed slasher flick and then release it on Christmas Day. Forget the religious complaints; moviegoers everywhere should be outraged that Hollywood would release any film as contemptible as this on any day of the year. It's an indefensible remake, and even if it wasn't, then it would just be an indefensible original movie; a movie that seemed to be have been made with nothing but the utmost contempt for the audience that would be viewing it. I'd go into specifics about what I hated in particular about this film but won't because I wouldn't even know where to begin and I only have so much space right now. Let's just say that everything between the Dimension logo and the copyright notice at the end was wrong with this film. Movies like Black Christmas are the reason why the horror genre in general gets a bad rap, why many non-genre directors will go out of their way to keep their movies from being labeled as horror, why horror movie fans get labeled as being nothing but a bunch of bloodthirsty malcontents, and why slasher films in general are perceived as being one step up from pornography in terms of social value. It's rare that I walk out of movie afterwards feeling as pissed off as I did when the atrocity that was Black Christmas was over. I'll say it again: It's indefensible. Fuck this movie; fuck the people that made this movie, fuck me for putting money in the pockets of the people that made this movie, and fuck anyone that tries to defend this movie! To anyone that says, "Oh, it wasn't that bad," "It was pretty good for a slasher flick," or "At least it had some great kills and lots of gore," I say back to you, "Fuck you and your one-eyed, mongoloid sister-daughter!"

Okay, that's enough with 2006. It's a new year and it's time to move forward. Think happy thoughts and prepare yourselves for...

 

THE 2007 KICK-OFF

Now here's some havoc that truly wreaks!

The government of Guam ponied up some $800,000 for the funding of this film in hopes it would help promote tourism and encourage more Hollywood filmmaking on the island nation. To this day the nation of Guam has made back a whopping $9,000 on their investment. Unfortunately, they put their money in the hands of a rather shady (and incompetent) producer and a certain director by the name of Albert Pyun, the man who held the distinction of being the worst filmmaker of the modern era until Uwe Boll came along. The whole production turned into not just a cinematic fiasco, but also a huge scandal in Guam that has since led to serious litigation. It would take entirely too long to explain the whole deal here so I'd suggest just heading over to IMDB or doing some Googling to read about some of the behind-the-scenes havoc that was the making of MAX HAVOC: CURSE OF THE DRAGON. Crew members not getting paid, the production running out of money, promises made, promises broken, possible embezzlement, backstabbing, overall incompetence, new producers/directors being brought in to try and salvage the thing - just a total mess.

And trust me, it shows. MAX HAVOC: CURSE OF THE DRAGON is kind of amusing in a goofy b-movie sort of way for about the first 20 minutes. After which the pacing screeches to a halt, the lack of a coherent plot becomes apparent, the constant recycling of sets, flashbacks, continuity errors, and stock footage becomes almost unbearable, and the editing really does become intolerable. The DVD release also boasts a very murky transfer of the film that only further succeeds in giving it the feel of some Southeast Asian produced cheapo action flick from a quarter century ago.

Things kick-off with stock footage of a motocross race. Then we're in a bar where ex-Mrs. Ian Ziering, Nikki Ziering, plays one of the motorbike racers who flirts with our title character. She wants him to take her pic, but he tells her he already got shots of her from the race. She says "not like this" and begins to pose while slowly undoing her top right there in the bar. Her big burly boyfriend walks in and flies into a rage. Max assures him that he has no interest in his girlfriend. The boyfriend reacts to hearing that by calling Max a "fag" and throwing a punch. So he got mad when he thought Max might be making a play for his girl and now he's even more insulted to find out he's not? Max makes very short work of the jealous boyfriend.

Meet Max Havoc, the world's most bad ass photographer.

Max Havoc used to be a kickboxing champion known by the nickname "Mad Max" because apparently just being named Max Havoc wasn't bad ass enough for people. Flashback to his last fight where Mad Max inadvertently killed his opponent with a jumping death punch to the face. Max retires from kickboxing and vowed to never again fight in the ring. Outside the ring is a totally different matter. Max's boss wants to send him on a cushy assignment to Guam to photograph some local scenery for the hotel advertising campaign. The boss describes Guam as "Paradise in the Pacific," which it is assuming you exclude Hawaii, Fiji, and Samoa. But compared to the Philippines, yeah, they're paradise in the Pacific.

"He's an ex-kickboxer turned photographer with an eye for the ladies and a hatred for crime. The fists will fly when a beautiful young woman in possession of a precious artifact turns to Max Havoc for protection from the Japanese gangsters that will stop at nothing to get their sacred idol back. Mickey Hardt is Max Havoc. Tonight on CBS; followed by the series premiere of AfterMASH."

Meanwhile in Tokyo, a theft of some jade dragon idol occurs, David Carradine appears on screen briefly, a Yakuza looking guy shows up and samurai sword fights a bunch of ninjas. I have no clue what is going on.

Ah, the thief broke into Carradine's office and stole a precious idol, the dragon, of the Black Dragon samurai crime syndicate. Carradine is Grand Master of the Black Dragons which seems to mean that he can just sit around an smoke cigars while his flunkies do all the real work. His top samurai-sword swinging henchman, a Japanese samurai called Quicksilver talks of retrieving the idol.

David Carradine gives a performance here that displays slightly less of an "I'm here under duress" vibe than Ben Kingsley's in BLOODRAYNE. His first lines are to a person on the other end of a cellular phone conversation and given how he delivers these lines, I would not be shocked to know that whoever was on the other end was feeding him his dialogue. Fortunately for Carradine, his total screen time is probably about four minutes, almost all of not until the film's finale.

The sad thing is that Carradine's isn't even the worst acting performance of the film. All I'll say about the acting in this film is, God bless'em, they're trying. They're failing, but they're trying. Max Havoc himself is played by Luxembourg martial artist Mickey Hardt who continues the movie tradition of charisma-deprived, accented martial artists from Europe who aren't much for acting.

The female thief is also off to Guam. Upon arriving, the thief drops off the jade dragon idol at an antique shop as collateral because she was desperate for money, but she did promise to be back to get it before the day's over. What are the odds that this curio shop just happens to be run by Max's old cornerman? Even more amazing, that cornerman turned Guam antique store owner is played by an almost unrecognizable Richard "Shaft" Roundtree.

Max arrives in Guam, immediately pays his cornerman a visit, and suddenly the movie turns into a travel commercial for Guam. Max soon meets up with two beautiful sisters while out jet skiing/photographing the local scenery. And even on the beach Max Havoc can find a jerk that needs a brief butt whoopin'.

Enter Jane Goody (former Man Show "Juggy Girl" Joanna Krupa giving a performance that proves she's better suited for bouncing on a trampoline) and her little sister Chrissy. Chrissy is studying to be a heart surgeon. Jane owns an art gallery in San Francisco. Fortunately for us, they'll spend an awful lot of time in bikini tops. Unfortunately for us, the filmmakers insisted on letting them talk.

In Krupa's defense, when she posed for Playboy a short while back, the subject of MAX HAVOC: CURSE OF THE DRAGON was apparently brought up in the interview portion which she reportedly described as "really stupid" thus proving she's no dummy herself.

Jane goes to the cornerman's antique store - turns out they're old friends too - and falls in love with the dragon idol. Despite a vow from the thief to come back and get it later that day, he sells it to Jane anyway. She then takes it to a local art expert for analysis. That guy declares it to be from 15th century Japan and worth about six figures. This is great news for her because she needs the money desperately because her art gallery is on the verge of bankruptcy and she just spent her sister's med school tuition money to buy the jade dragon.

Jane and Max meet up and proceed to go on the most boring first date in movie history. It's briefly livened up when the jerk from the beach appears again for another five-second embarrassment.

Then a bald, Japanese, Yakuza-looking henchman shows up to the antique shop, dragging the female thief along with him by the throat. First he demands to know the whereabouts of the dragon idol and then kills both the female thief and Richard Roundtree with the dreaded Tongan Death Grip. Somewhere Meng smiles.

"On the contrary, Mr. Roundtree, I do believe you will be appearing in our little movie."

For the record, we never found out who this thief was, why she stole it, or why she felt the need to pawn the thing off for quick cash other than it being a good excuse to get it into the hands of the lead characters eventually. Everything about what little plot there is hinges on the theft of this statue and we never get any clue who the person that took it was or why they were willing to chance pissing off a group of professional killers to do so.

Jane needs Max Havoc and his Hawaiian shirt of doom to help protect her and her sister from the Black Dragons who are supposed to be the bad guys except, in all honestly their priceless jade dragon idol was indeed stolen from them. Jane could just return the damn thing and make things right, but she doesn't seem to want to AND she purchased it by spending her sister's medical school tuition money so if she does so then she's left with nothing. I don't care if she's hot; let the Black Dragons have this bitch.

Mark Harmon returns in SUMMER SCHOOL 2: THE RECKONING

By this point I felt like I was watching the worst episode of Magnum P.I. ever. And it only got worse. The rest of the film borders on being unwatchable. Fight scenes consisting of pretty routine for this sort of martial arts movie action are sporadic at best. The duration of the running time is primarily devoted to some inept romance, chase scenes that really aren't even chase scenes, plenty of bickering amongst the various parties wanting possession of the jade dragon, and pitiful dialogue along the lines of, "You've got a lot of heart, Chrissy. You'll make a great heart surgeon," and "You think I want to be a doctor knowing I got there through stolen property and murder?"

And just for the record, we've thus far had stock footage of motocross racing, stock footage of Guam scenery, stock footage of beachgoers enjoying the surf, and stock footage of underwater wildlife during a scuba diving date between Max and Jane. All this before the film is even halfway through. I haven't even mentioned the six or seven flashbacks that Max keeps having back to the fight where he killed that guy. It's almost as if the post-production people trying to salvage the film decided to toss in that flashback whenever they needed to fill a gap.

Carmen Electra cameos as Debbie the jet ski rental girl with the hots for Max Havoc who gets turned down because Max only has eyes for Jane. Carmen Electra's name is on the cover of the box as if she's one of the stars despite her role lasting approximately 40 seconds.

The finale involves Max rescuing Chrissy and Jane from a warehouse where the Black Dragons have gathered. Carradine shows up to order a fight between Max and his top fighter. No, not that Quicksilver character; he seemingly vanished from the film. The new top henchman is that bald, suspenders-wearing hitman that killed the two in the antique store. The assassin uses a sword while Max wraps steel chains around his fists. Max is about to win and deliver the same jumping death punch to the face from his countless flashbacks, but he pulls back at the last second and spares the assassin. This impresses Carradine so much that he allows them all to leave unscathed with no future worries of reprisal. Except for the henchman who lost and is forced to commit seppuku for the dishonor he brought upon the Black Dragons by losing face to guy in a Hawaiian shirt. The Black Dragons get their idol back and for having defeated one of their men, our good guys get a complimentary Black Dragon sword that just happens to also turn out to be a priceless antique worth big bucks. See... Everybody's happy! Except me, but I refuse to commit hari-kari. Sitting through all of this was punishment enough.

Winner of the 2006 Award for Best CHUD Impersonation

Albert Pyun has made some of the sorriest movies ever and MAX HAVOC: CURSE OF THE DRAGON is indeed one of his sorriest. Is it too late for me to get in on the lawsuit?

And the most amazing thing of all, believe it or not, there's a sequel that's already been made and is awaiting release! Yep, despite the fiasco that was the first film both in front of and behind the camera, the fine folks at Rigel Entertainment got it in their head that Mickey Hardt's butt-kicking photographer was worth bring back for a second go around. MAX HAVOC: RING OF FIRE was not filmed in or financed by Guam, and this time the unfortunate name actors involved include Dean Cain, Martin Kove, and Rae Dawn Chong.

"Max Havoc is on a new assignment staying at a luxury hotel in the heart of a big city, only to discover that the classy hotel owner is a vicious mob boss heading up a crime ring full of unwanted teenagers in the nearby slums. Not only this, but Max recognizes the hotel owner from his former life as a World-champion kickboxer. Once again, Max, who is there to photograph a new tennis sensation, Suzy Blaine, is forced to rely on his natural instincts and abilities after he unexpectedly becomes involved in an increasingly sinister plot when his luggage is stolen the moment he arrives at the hotel."

NO! NOT HIS LUGGAGE!

If it really were a movie about a kickboxing bad ass on a path of destruction to get the band of thieves that stole his luggage then I might actually be tempted to check this sequel out. The tagline could be something along the lines of, "They stole his bags. Now he's going to send them home in one."

You can get a taste of what I've just endured by viewing the trailer for MAX HAVOC: CURSE OF THE DRAGON by CLICKING HERE and the trailer for the inexplicable, "Can't possibly be worse, can it?" sequel MAX HAVOC: RING OF FIRE by CLICKING HERE. If you dare.

It's the sequel somebody's been waiting for.

The first UNDISPUTED was a serious, high-minded action drama from veteran director Walter Hill that starred Ving Rhames and Wesley Snipes in the story of an unbeaten world boxing champion sent to prison on rape charges who finds himself being manipulated by the mafia into taking part in a boxing match with the prison's current undefeated boxing champ. It really wasn't all that good a movie and certainly didn't seem like a film that would warrant a sequel. The great filmmaking minds at Nu Image did not get that memo. UNDISPUTED 2: LAST MAN STANDING is pure Grade-A schlock from a guy whose most notable directing credits include various incarnations of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. Hard hitting melodrama has been supplanted with total machismo schlock and I dare say it makes for a more enjoyably stupid movie.

This time it's the tragically underutilized Michael Jai White (SPAWN, UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: THE RETURN, EXIT WOUNDS) as George "Iceman" Chambers, the role originated by Ving Rhames in the original. Is this movie a direct sequel? No mention of his previous incarceration is ever mentioned. Is it a prequel? Can't be since they said he was the ex-champ. Does it take place in some b-movie alternate dimension where there's another George "Iceman" Chambers that looks physically different yet still finds himself getting arrested, imprisoned, and forced into physical combat with a fellow inmate? That sounds about as good as anything else I can figure.

God bless Nu Image!

Ex-boxing world champion George "Iceman" Chambers has fallen on hard financial times since losing the title. He's flies to Russia to film some foreign liquor commercial. Like most scenes involving the character of George "Iceman" Chambers in this film, it eventually devolves into Chambers going off on an obscenity-filled screaming fit.

The character of George "Iceman" Chambers as portrayed by Michael Jai White here barely even qualifies as a character. Chambers doesn't have a personality; he's got an attitude. He's all attitude - bad attitude. The man seems to live in a constant state of pissed off readiness. Even when he's not pissed, he's waiting for an excuse to get pissed off. Much of White's dialogue early on consists of some variation of or other way of saying "Fuck you!" and "This is bullshit!" In fact, "Fuck you!" is the most common quote out of Chambers' mouth. I think there may have been one specific scene where he actually did yell, "Fuck you! This is bullshit!" in that order.

Just fifteen seconds into his Chinese "me so sowwy" impression, the PC Police were on the scene

What Chambers doesn't realize is that the Russian mob needs an opponent for their top prison fighting champion. You see the mob organizes these prison fighting competitions that are broadcast to various bars and what not throughout Eastern Europe for patrons to watch and bet on. The current champ is convicted murderer Uri Boyka who is such a killer in the ring with his kickboxing skills that he keeps KO'ing his opponents in one round. This is bad for business. Didn't you see ROCKY BALBOA? People don't like lopsided one round fights. But where as World Boxing Champion Mason "The Line" Dixon had to goad Rocky Balboa out of retirement for an exhibition match, the Russian mob finds it more convenient to just plant drugs in the Chambers' hotel room and have him arrested. There's a plot twist that Sly Stallone didn't think to toss in. He could have made the sixth ROCKY and the long awaited sequel to LOCK UP all in one movie.

Chambers returns to his hotel room dressed like The Good Shepherd and finds mob goons still ransacking it. He proceeds to punch them into retreat, but when the police arrive to investigate they discover the drugs that had been planted on him and have him arrested instead. It's off to the big house again for George "Iceman" Chambers. Can't a brotha catch a break?

Chambers perpetually pissed off personality causes him instant trouble in this no nonsense Russkie pokey. His roommate, a junkie named Stevie played by Ben Cross (Been a long, long, long time since his glory days of CHARIOTS OF FIRE), informs the Iceman that the mob runs the prison, the cops, you name it, and advises him to go with the program. The program, of course, being the illegal underground fights held within the prison and beamed out to rich via closed circuit television. Chambers says no. Correction; Chambers says, "Fuck no!"

"Hi, I'm Ben Cross. You may remember me from Chariots of Fire. Could you spare a quarter?"

Anyway, going back to our bad guy, incarcerated kickboxer Uri Boyka is sorta like the scuzzy lovechild of Ivan Drago and Chuck Liddell. Actually, he's more like a Russian hitman version of Clubber Lang. He's also more attitude than character; that attitude being psychopathic rage mixed with delusions of godhood. The man even demands everyone in the mess hall has to stand in attention whenever he enters the mess hall with his entourage of prison cronies. When not beating the crap out of people or training to beat the crap out of people, Boyka enjoys simpler hobbies that don't involve beating the crap out of people like collecting stamps or playing chess. This shows his softer, gentler side, which doesn't make a whole heck of a lot of sense since the movie portrays him as a straight-up villain unlike Wesley Snipes prison champ character from the first UNDISPUTED, who was actually something of the good guy to asshole Iceman Chambers' boxing champ. Damn this alternate b-movie universe.

Chambers has no chance of getting out of this prison until he accepts the warden's offer to fight Uri. Worse, it turns out that Chambers' slimy, money-grubbing agent helped orchestrate the set-up and even tries to assure him that there's going to be a big pay-off for fighting the Russian prison fighting champ. Believe it or not, the mob does plan to pay Chambers some big bucks for taking part in this death match. Hey, the Russian mob may be a gang of murderous thieves that would slit their own mothers' throats in order to get their way but never accuse them of being cheapskates.

By the way, the agent is played by the former Mayor Ebert of New York City, Michael Lerner, who may have survived the imposter Godzilla crisis of 1998 but perishes after a double cross during the Ultimate Russian Prison Fighting Championship showdown of 2007.

It seems hard to believe that Chambers would refuse to fight seeing as how he behaves like a man in constant need of a fight and even has no problem getting up in Uri's face to let him know he ain't all that. Prison officials have to go out of their way to try and coerce him into accepting the match: threatening him with death, random beatings, forcing him to shovel shit leaking from the pipes, sending Uri's entourage goons to ambush him (to no avail), tossing him into the solitary confinement hole with icy water and rats. Nope, he still won't fight. Then Uri's henchmen start threatening Stevie to get him to convince Chambers to fight.

All the while this is going on, Chambers makes acquaintances with an old, wheelchair bound, Russian inmate named Nikolai who has a thing for playing a harmonica and staring at a picture of the estranged niece he's never met. Turns out the old guy’s a former commander in the Russian army, a real bad ass in his day. Chambers can respect that.

Now you'd figure that the whole movie would be building to that climactic battle between Iceman Chambers and Uri. Imagine my surprise when Chambers finally agrees to take the fight (Cue the training montages!) and the big fight takes place before the 60-minute mark. That's because the finale is actually built around the rematch. Chambers initially holds his own with Uri but then they had to go spike his water just to make sure he lost. Those cheatin' Commie bastards, I knew Reagan should have just nuked them all!

Is any fighter ever really prepared for the dreaded flying scrotum attack?

And since everyone bet in favor of the former world boxing champ except for the mob that knew the fix was in, they make a fortune. Oh, and Stevie is later found swinging from a noose in his cell.

UNDISPUTED 2 was an entertaining although fairly formulaic production up until this point highlighted by some bone-crunching, blood-spitting fight scenes and the constant pissing contest going on between the dueling rage-fueled egos of the two combatants. I'm actually shocked there wasn't a scene where Chambers and Boyka didn't whip out their dicks and start waving them around to show the other who has the bigger manhood.

But now things just turn silly and I mean silly in a great way.

An outraged Iceman storms into the mess hall and calls Uri a pussy for having had to cheat to beat him. He seemed to be calling Uri out for a rematch, but then there was a glitch in the DVD that caused me to lose the next 3-4 minutes of the movie. Next thing I know Chambers is crucified with chains to a guard tower outside the prison in the freezing snow as punishment for what I believe they said was refusing to fight Uri in a rematch. I can't say for sure what went down in that gap but clearly something went down.

The rematch is finally on. Cue more training montages! Chambers needs some extra training to help him deal with Uri's kickboxing and mixed martial arts skills. Who comes to Chambers' aid to give him the MMA training he needs? Yes, the old man in the wheelchair! A guy in a wheelchair starts teaching him how to kickbox! Seriously. A guy in a wheelchair is demonstrating how to apply leglock submissions! It's like a freakin' Saturday Night Live skit and the movie does it with a straight face.

I do believe UNDISPUTED 2 marks the first martial arts movie in history where the final battle culminates with the two main characters on the canvas each having the other in a leglock in a race against time to see who can break the other guy's leg first.

Uri was instantly knocked unconscious by Iceman Chambers' ultimate secret weapon; the heinous odor built up from days of rubbing the soles of his feet with Courtney Love's used tampons

The Iceman win, gets released from the Russian prison, and gets the big bucks from the Russian mob. However, Chambers decides to pay Nikolai back for the much needed training by using the money to buy the old man's release from prison. The movie ends with a bit of cornball sentimentality involving Chambers wheeling the old man to the train station to meet the niece he's never met. I assure you that no niece in the history of the planet has ever been that excited to meet an uncle they've never met before who has spent their entire life doing hard time in prison. All this Hallmark card crappola also seems completely out of character for the Iceman's personality. The George "Iceman" Chambers we've been shown throughout this movie seemed more likely to have dumped the poor bastard in front of the speeding train and then roundkicked the niece in the face. Oh, now that would have been an ending.

Bloodfist's back... And this time it's 2050~!

BLOODFIST 2050 - the 2050 is a reference to the year in which this pseudo-sequel is set and not a reference to the number of BLOODFIST sequels there have been. Thankfully, there have not been 2,049 prior BLOODFIST's. But there have been eight. Bet even most people that have actually seen most of the BLOODFIST films realize there’s been that many. That's far more than were ever called for. Let's take a moment to remember the storied history of the BLOODFIST franchise that spanned from 1985-1995.

BLOODFIST - Don "The Dragon" Wilson must avenge a friend's death by getting involved in an underground martial arts tournament.

BLOODFIST 2 - Don "The Dragon" Wilson is forced out of retirement to once again fight in an underground martial arts tournament.

BLOODFIST 3: FORCED TO FIGHT - Don "The Dragon" Wilson returns, but this time as an entirely different character framed for a crime he did not commit and sent to a prison where he is forced to fight in an underground martial arts tournament.

BLOODFIST IV: DIE TRYING - Don "The Dragon" Wilson returns as yet another new character: a repo man forced to fight after his friends are killed and daughter kidnapped by the dangerous arms dealer whose car he repossessed. In a shocking twist, he is not forced to fight in an underground martial arts tournament.

BLOODFIST V: HUMAN TARGET - Don "The Dragon" Wilson is back as yet another new character: an amnesiac that is forced to fight for reasons he cannot remember. As he fights to regain his memory, he will not be forced to fight in an underground martial arts tournament.

BLOODFIST VI: GROUND ZERO - Don "The Dragon" Wilson is once again an entirely new character: an Air Force courier that gets to play DIE HARD against the terrorists that have taken over a nuclear missile base. While much of the movie set underground, there is no martial arts tournament involved.

BLOODFIST VII: MANHUNT - Don "The Dragon" Wilson is back playing an entirely new character yet again: a man that has to play full contact THE FUGITIVE against the dirty cops who have framed him for a crime he did not commit. Neither his crime nor his run from the law involves an underground martial arts tournament.

BLOODFIST VIII: TRAINED TO FIGHT - Don "The Dragon" Wilson returns one final time as an entirely new character: an ex-CIA agent that teams up with his teenage son as they're hunted down by trained assassins. Alas, they will not enter into a father/son tag team underground martial arts tournament.

I believe I saw the first BLOODFIST flick and stopped after that. I have something of an aversion to Don "The Dragon" Wilson films. I know the guy has his fanbase but after sitting through FUTURE KICK, RING OF FIRE, VIRTUAL COMBAT, and NIGHT HUNTER... Pardon me. Too many bad memories just came rushing back. Don seems like a cool guy and I’m sure he could beat me half to death if he so wanted but there’s no getting around the unfortunate truth about his filmography. Let's just move on to the Don "The Dragon" Wilson-less BLOODFIST 2050.

I'm going to warn you right now that this pseudo-sequel has so little story that's it's virtually impossible to review the movie without it devolving into a spoiler-filled recap, as if you can actually spoil a movie that consists of almost nothing but fight scenes and naked strippers. The movie is only 77-minutes long; the average story advancement scene lasts about 2-3 minutes in length - sometimes shorter, with only a little perfunctory dialog sprinkled in amid the endless fighting and stripping scenes. I've seen some movies in this genre that were thin on story and character but BLOODFIST 2050 takes the cake. Unless it actually detailed the movements of the fighting/stripping scenes, I'd be stunned to hear that the final draft of the printed screenplay was longer than thirty pages.

Things kick off with a bang - several bangs actually - via some vehicular mayhem in a desert wasteland setting that's stitched together in such a jumbled manner I honestly thought for a few moments I was watching the beginning of a trailer for some cheap ROAD WARRIROR knock-off and not the actual beginning of the movie. Given that this film was produced by Roger Corman I wouldn't be at all surprised to know that the bulk of this footage was taken from an entirely different film with a few shots of the lead actor tossed in to try and fool you.

This film's director, by the way, is Cirio Santiago, a Filipino filmmaker no stranger to both low budget post-apocalyptic and kung fu flicks: STRYKER, EQUALIZER 2000, ANGELFIST, LIVE BY THE FIST, etc. BLOODFIST 2050 gives Senor Santiago the opportunity to combine both genres in the form of a post-apocalyptic kung fu flick set in the remains of a futuristic Los Angeles. When I first reported about the then impending DVD release of the film on my initial blog back in June I managed to dig up a mind-blowing quote from a press release:

"...the entire movie was filmed in the Philippines to achieve the setting of Los Angeles, California after a nuclear bomb attack."

That "you have got to be kidding me" statement initially struck me as a total cheap shot directed at the impoverished Philippines. In reality, that statement was just an ill-worded cover for the fact that it's cheaper to make a futuristic martial arts movie when 90% of your sets consist of bombed out factories, a tiny rundown arena, a dingy strip bar, and somebody's basement - and it's even cheaper when you can find all those things in a low rent filmmaking haven like the Philippines.

That senseless ROAD WARRIOR-esque opening abruptly jump cuts to a perplexingly choreographed back alley mass gang fight that suddenly turns into a police riot squad assault that then morphs into a one-on-one kung fu fight set before a rowdy arena audience. Confused? I know I was. The end of that fight will lead us into the first of many strip club scenes where we'll happily learn that the never specified apocalypse had no impact on the breast augmentation industry. Thank God!

For the record, the movie goes a full six minutes before any real dialogue outside of random shouting is uttered. I dare estimate that there's maybe one whole page of dialog spoken within the first 15 minutes.

We learn that the victorious fighter was Johnny Danko, soon to get murdered by a masked man in the alley outside the strip club. Johnny's stripper girlfriend Nadia is portrayed by Beverly Lynn, a current staple on the Cinemax After Dark front. While Miss Lynn could very well be the current queen of late night sexploitation she has yet to achieve the sort of notoriety that Shannon Tweed and Shannon Whirry did back in the early-to-mid Nineties, back in the day when these softcore sex flicks really were erotic thrillers and not just porn minus the penetration and money shots. While attractive enough and a better actress than most in the genre she's still not on the level of the Shannon's. Ah, those were the days.

Alex Danko (Five time world martial arts champion Matt Mullins, who looks a little like a wiry Nicholas Brendan) arrives in post-apocalyptic L.A., constantly visualized by a ridiculous computer generated matte painting that makes it appear permanently enshrouded with darkness and flames, very similar to the cityscapes shown in CYBORG 2. Danko will almost instantaneously get himself involved in a knockdown, drag-out fight with members of a street gang, all of whom, naturally, know kung fu.

Los Angeles of the future or New Orleans today?

Mullins may be a world championship martial artist but he's not much of an actor, not that this film requires him or anyone else for that matter to do much by way of acting. That would require an actual script. Everything that doesn't involve kicking or stripping is just filler in between the real meat & potatoes of the film. Now I will say that Mullins is clearly a good fighter - as are most of the film's martial artists - but none of the fight scenes on display here are anything special. Ten or fifteen years ago the action in this film would have been considered top notch for the DTV martial arts genre. By today's standards - post-MATRIX, post-CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON, post-Jackie Chan, Jet Li, and Tony Jaa crossing the Pacific - the stuff presented in BLOODFIST 2050, nicely choreographed and lively as it often is, still doesn't even come close. As with DOA eariler, the bar has just been raised ridiculously high.

Alex finds out that his brother has been murdered and goes to the cops where he meets Detective Mariano, who we'll come to learn a little later on is known on the streets as "Slick" despite being a middle aged white guy who comes across as being decidedly non-slick. The detective casually tells Alex they can't do squat and pleas with him not to go vigilante. Alex, naturally, goes vigilante and immediately gets himself into yet another fight with that same street gang from earlier. Detective Slick shows up, says he likes Alex's moves, and wants to buy the lanky asskicker a drink so he can talk with him about how he might go about finding out who murdered brother Johnny. Back to the strip club!

Slick informs Alex that all the other fighters at The Pit - that grungy arena where all the potentially lethal yet fully legal pit fighting is held - hated his brother and that he'll never find out who killed Johnny if he doesn't earn some respect from the other Pit fighters by competing and winning. Fighters only respect other fighters and won't talk to you otherwise. So if you're ever in post-apocalyptic Los Angeles 2050 and you stop to ask a Pit fighter for directions to the bathroom and you haven't established yourself as a world class asskicker in your own right, you're just going to end up pissing yourself.

It also seems that there's a major water shortage in the future because Slick mentions something about not being able to return Johnny's body because it's being recycled for water. Ewww... A nice tall glass of corpse water... YUM! I wonder if Slick knows Tank Girl? By the way, that's also the only thing ever referenced in the movie that gives the impression that this is actually a futuristic society. Well, that and the CYBORG 2 for the PS2 CGI graphic of post-holocaust LA. This movie could just as easily have been set present day in the seedier, lawless side of some Southeast Asian nation where underground pit fighting is the #1 past time and hanging out in strip clubs is #2.

Nadia now takes the stage for her first big striptease of the film, best described as an R-rated scene from Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" video. It's even edited with music video swipes and dissolves. Beverly Lynne will have another strip scene later on where she'll appear to be coating her naked body with mayonnaise straight from a restaurant squeeze bottle set to music that sounded like it should be playing over African safari footage. Stripping really should be sexy, not strange.

I've read that the producers felt that the film just didn't have enough sex appeal despite a constant barrage of naked strippers every 10-15 minutes. They brought in Fred Olen Ray, I believe, to shoot a totally gratuitous sex scene between Beverly Lynne and Matt Mullins. You can tell this was filmed after the fact because the scene comes from completely out of left field and the film stock its shot on looks entirely different from the rest of movie. It's quite grainy; so grainy it might have actually been shot by Zapruder instead of Ray.

Nicholas Brendan as you've never seen him before! Oh, wait, it's that Matt Mullins guy. Nevermind.

Off to The Pit where most of the fighters look like they were designed using the Raw vs. Smackdown videogame "Create-A-Wrestler" mode and sport names like Zulu Jack, Krag, and Rabid Randy. Back when I initially reported on the release of this film it was said that the lead character was named Laker Powers, a positively idiotic name but one befitting a lunkheaded chop schlocky flick like this. Instead we got the less imaginative Alex Danko, although when he does have his first fight at The Pit he will be billed as "Fresh Meat, Dead Meat". Given the mindset of the filmmaking I wish he had been named Laker Powers, or at the very least, Clipper Steele.

Introducing The Pit's top heel: The Great Ahmed Khan! You can't just call him Ahmed Khan; he'll tear your eyes out for that insolence. He is The Great Ahmed Khan! I'm not exactly sure what's so great about him since it's established that he's the prime suspect in Johnny's murder because Johnny always whipped his ass in competition. He doesn't sound so great in that respect. And while I'm sure he could kill the bejeezus out of you and me, The Great Ahmed Khan hardly exudes the dickish menace of Jean-Claude Van Damme's nemesis Chong Li in BLOODSPORT or his nemesis Tong Po in KICKBOXER or even Van Damme's own evil Russian kickboxer in NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER.

Ladies and gentlemen, The Allegedly Great Ahmed Khan!

The tattoos on The Great Ahmed Khan's face don't help matters either. They look like they were scribbled on with magic marker. It may very well have been magic marker too. He's not the only combatant shown with tattoos clearly drawn on that visibly smear and leave ink smudges on the canvas during fights scenes.

If you're taking part in a sport that involves a lot of sweating and grappling then perhaps you should reconsider drawing on your body tattoos with a Sharpie

Slick, along with fighter Rabid Randy, who just happens to be Nadia's kid brother, begin training Alex for competition at The Pit - all 2 1/2 minutes of much needed training. Alex will earn respect so that fighters will answer his questions about his brother's murder while Slick makes a few extra bucks betting on the fights. I smell a scam on someone's part. Betting is really the primary draw of The Pit. There's so much money making the rounds through betting that any unauthorized side bets will get the person shot on sight with a fireball gun by the grimy Egg Shen look-a-like that runs and mc's The Pit. This dude even has a Mini-Me version of himself that draws the bingo balls that determines who fights who. This Pit boss character feels like he should be a much bigger deal to the story but the script can't be bothered with such things. Doing so would probably have required to film to cut a few minutes of valuable kicking & stripping scenes and it damn sure isn't going to do that.

Everyone loves bingo night on the island of Dr. Moreau

Alex takes the stage for his first fight against a guy called Monster. A concerned Nadia pleads with him, "You can't fight that guy! He's huge!" And, apparently, she's blind. Monster is six-inches shorter than Alex and looks like he might only outweigh him by 10-15 pounds. I suppose he might be a monster by this movie's definitions. This thing is a cornucopia of short, skinny guys high-kicking the crap out of one another.

Why is he called Monster? Because "Some Ugly Dude" just didn't sound as tough, I guess.

Once Johnny goes on a winning streak Slick forsakes his slickness by running around ringside screaming non-stop "That's my boy! I trained him! That's my boy!" The party ends once The Great Ahmed Khan kills Rabid Randy by snapping his neck. Medics are then actually shown trying to resuscitate him with defibrillators. I know you'll be shocked to hear that their attempts failed.

The death of Rabid Randy is a great scene. He's out there getting beaten to a bloody pulp by The Great Ahmed Khan yet Alex, Nadia, and Slick will stop paying attention to his savage mauling in order to begin discussing the whereabouts of some redneck-looking vagrant that witnessed Johnny's murder and should be able to identify the killer. Then Randy gets his neck snapped. That they noticed.

This sets the stage for the big anti-climactic battle scene between Alex and The Great Ahmed Khan. It lasts all of two minutes, is an almost completely one-sided ass whooping on Alex's part, and is over before it even gets a chance to get started. I told you Ahmed Khan wasn't all that great.

I don't feel I'm spoiling anything to reveal that it'll turn out that Slick is the guy behind Johnny's murder. It's so obvious that you'll have already figured it out almost from the moment you find out that all the Pit fighters and strip club employees know him as Slick. When the big reveal comes, Alex begins flashbacking to all the various hints that Slick dropped along the way. It's the sort of montage you'd often see used at the end of a murder mystery piecing all the clues together. In this case it only serves to make Alex look like a chump for not recognizing the obvious sooner. The story had tried to make you think The Great Ahmed Khan was the killer but you already knew that wasn't the case because A) it so obviously wasn't, B) the movie really didn't given you any reason to believe he could be the killer nor did he ever say or do anything to make you think he might be a killer aside from him callously snapping Randy's neck an hour in, and C) Slick had been established to be a shady cop that sets up and bets on Pit fighters and enjoyed saying "wink, wink" things to Alex along the lines of "the killer may be closer than you think." Good grief. The average Encyclopedia Brown mystery looks like Agatha Christie compared to this.

Yeah, uh, I wanna put $50 on me being the real killer.

The real final showdown of BLOODFIST 2050 will be another one-sided whooping that culminates with Alex hanging Slick up with a chain, kicking the crap out of him a few times from an awkward position, and then flinging him across the way so that he'll swing head first through a window. This was actually pretty cool in a goofy, budget deprived, b-movie sorta way. I think the last time I saw anything quite like that it was the lead singer of Accept on the wrecking ball at the end of their "Balls to the Wall" video.

So, recapping BLOODFIST 2050: action scene, fight scene, action scene, fight scene, stripping scene, story scene, fight scene, fight scene, story scene, fight scene, stripping scene, story scene, training scene, a whole bunch of fight scenes, story scene, stripping scene, story scene, training scene, a whole bunch of fight scenes, stripping scene, story scene, sex scene, a whole bunch of fight scenes, story scene, fight scene, story scene, chase scene, fight scene, the end.

One of the reasons that the once prolific DTV martial arts subgenre all but died off about that time that DVD began to replace VHS was in great part due to the market becoming oversaturated with craptacular productions like this one. Again, this is technically the ninth movie in the BLOODFIST franchise. Were the other eight weren't really much to write home about? There was a point over a decade ago where there was at minimum two or three films of this type coming on a monthly, sometimes weekly, basis. That eventually guarantees genre burnout.

That said, I must confess that I actually didn't mind BLOODFIST 2050's almost complete lack of story, acting, common sense, and general overall filmmaking quality. It was pure crappola from start to finish and had no aspirations to be anything but retro direct-to-video martial arts crappola, unlike last month's DOA: DEAD OR ALIVE which was direct-to-video crappola all dressed up as fancy Hollywood special effects driven kung fu fest - and at least this one delivered on the nudity rather than just being an 80-minute cocktease. I'd dare call BLOODFIST 2050 film a breath of fresh air. They don't make very many DTV kung fu flicks like this anymore (and with good reason). Still, an inane, T&A filled, chop schlocky flick like this can be fun to watch every once in a while - emphasis on "once in a while." They'd quickly become tiresome on a regular basis.

In the world of junk food cinema, movies like BLOODFIST 2050 are the gas station hot dogs of filmdom. Consume at your own risk.

IN MEMORY OF RABID RANDY
HE WAS "RANDY" ALRIGHT

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE LIONHEART