The Japanese have a term, "wabi-sabi”, which refers to finding beauty in imperfection. If ever there was a motion picture that was imperfect yet conveyed tremendous amounts of beauty it would be the 1966 little-seen-on-this-side-of-the-Pacific Japanese superhero cornucopia GOLDEN BAT. This is Asian b-movie beauty the likes of which would not be seen again until the release of INFRAMAN nearly a decade later. Actually, it really has much more in common with those Japanese Starman movies (ATOMIC RULES OF THE WORLD, EVIL BRAIN FROM OUTER SPACE, etc) than it does INFRAMAN, but GOLDEN BAT blows those films out of the cosmos with a supremely higher pedigree of gonzo enthusiasm. GOLDEN BAT is 100% pure manic energy from start to finish; never a dull moment. Total low tech nonsense with no preconceived notions of being anything but low tech nonsense, never hung up on how cool it thinks it is; just vintage lightning in a bottle filmmaking the likes of which only a specific audience could ever fully appreciate and could never ever be duplicated today. GOLDEN BAT is golden batshit crazy for every second of its 70-minute running time and I loved every second of it. I think you would too.

That is if you ever got a chance to see it. Odds are if you're American and you're reading this right now you've probably never heard of GOLDEN BAT. The character is known somewhat in parts of Europe, Australia, and South America under different names like Phantasma and Fanataman, and mainly because the animated television series that followed the release of the live action movie was syndicated internationally. For Americans, outside of non-subbed, non-dubbed bootlegs of the feature film, GOLDEN BAT is pretty much an unknown quantity. That, readers, is a crime, and now that I've found a subtitled version, it's a crime I intend to rectify with this Foyeurism.

GOLDEN BAT

Created in 1930, GOLDEN BAT (or OGON BAT as he's known in his home country) is considered to be Japan's very first superhero. His one and only cinematic adaptation is this glorious chunk of schlocktacular celluloid insanity shot in black & white even though it was filmed in 1966. Doesn’t it seem a tad silly to have a superhero identified by a color when the film is shot in black & white, especially in the mid-Sixties? I just prefer to think the film was so freakin' awesome they knew going in that nothing in man's color scheme could fully contain its stupendousness and therefore, to save movie audiences from having their minds quite literally blown - like SCANNERS blown, they opted to film in monochrome.

Now if anyone reading right now is already thinking that I'm going to totally oversell the fantastical glory that is GOLDEN BAT, once again giving in to over-the-top hyperbole, then allow me to instantly sell you on this obscure wild & wooly masterpiece by merely showing you two images from the motion picture.

Only in Japan could you have a superhero that looks like this...

And a supervillain that looks like this...

Point made. Awesomeness achieved.

Golden Bat: A skeleton head with a Chris Benoit tooth gap in his grin atop a body clad in a shiny jumpsuit and high collared cape combination that would make both Liberace and Gene Simmons green with envy. If Skeletor ever left Eternia to do a stage show in Las Vegas this is what he'd look like. I'm assuming if the movie weren't in black & white his attire would all appear golden. Even in black & white his fashion sense is undeniable. His weapon of choice is a dual-action marching baton: the ball head is for womping baddies with and the other end fires laser beams. He always makes his presence known via a maniacal reverberating laugh that would give Vincent Price the willies. This, ladies and gentlemen, is our hero.

Only in Japan, folks.

Nago: Never in my wildest dreams did I ever conceive of the day I'd watch any form of entertainment in which the self professed tyrannical ruler of the universe would look like a costume that'd be used in a children’s library production of WIND IN THE WILLOWS but with four robo visor eyes and the sort of metal claw hand typically only seen on pre-Atomic Age movie robots and Inspector Gadget adversaries. Immobile, he never leaves his perch, he rules from a rotating chair of the Max Reebo variety. He's also quite spastic in nature, often flailing his limbs about in an overly animated manner. If ever there was a supervillain in dire need of a constant Ritalin drip injected directly into his veins it would be Nazo. This, ladies and gentlemen, is our supervillain.

Only in Japan, folks.

GOLDEN BAT also continues the grand tradition of golden age Japanese superheroes that requires a seemingly impervious to everything superhero to easily trump the inept and outmatched villains every step of the way. The Japanese seemed to prefer their superheroes show no vulnerability and their invincibility in comparison to the incompetence of the villains made their conflict a virtual no contest. Just about every Golden Bat skirmish with the forces of Nazo goes something like this: let out his best satanic Woody Woodpecker cackle to signify his arrival, physically appear in a magnanimous pose, cackle some more, taunt his foes just a wee bit, beat the snot out of them with his scepter, sometimes taunt and/or cackle again - rinse and repeat. But unlike, say, PRINCE OF SPACE, I didn't find myself feeling sorry for the villains’ inability to do anything right. I was having too much fun to care about pesky little things like dramatic tension. Watching Nazo experience violent rage seizures as everything that can and does go horribly awry for his ill-conceived plans is all part of the joy.

The opening credits have a silhouette of Golden Bat doing fighting forms to the tune of a swanky theme song, the kind they just don't make anymore, the kind that even in a foreign language will stay in your head for long after the movie is over. We'll hear that Golden Bat melody periodically throughout the film and it's always a welcome reprise.

A giant drillbit is shown slowly screwing its way towards Earth. Here we get our first look at the dastardly (and judging by the fabric he appears to be made from, potentially snuggable) Nazo, rules of the universe. Here's a good way to determine whether or not someone should bother to continue watching this film. If you feast your eyes on the Nazo costume and are pleasantly amused then this movie is for you. If you roll your eyes in disgust or register any feeling of contempt for the physical appearance of this alien overlord, shut this movie off immediately and go back to watching THE READER for the sixth time or the latest episode of Gossip Girl.

Poor Nazo... He can rule the universe but he can't make himself look like something more dignified than a geeked out high school football team mascot.

The fiendish furry from the darkest reaches of a preschoolers imagination uses his technological superiority to control rogue planet Icarus and hurtle it in the direction of our big blue marble. Evil is afoot. Ridiculous looking evil, but evil nonetheless.

Back on Earth, teenager Akira is using his telescope to look at a large round object heading in the general direction of the Earth. He says its name is Icarus, though this Icarus looks nothing like he did on the Led Zepplin album covers. That's because this is planet Icarus. You no doubt learned about planet Icarus in science class, correct? He clearly did. The Asian education system is so vastly superior to ours they even learn about planets the rest of the world knows nothing of.

Who should arrive then but...? J. Edgar Hoover's G-Men? Asian Men in Black? A Japanese ska band? The Inspector Detector fan club? Decked out in their finest Roy Orbison summer wear complete with black hats and driving a '59 Chevy that looks like it could have been the prototype for Adam West's Batmobile, they've come to do what all people dressed in such attire and driving such a dark vehicle do: abduct someone in the middle of the night. I think this kid Akira just got abducted by the Shinto Blues Brothers.

We're on a mission for all 8 million kami.

Akira is taken to the top secret Pearl Research Laboratory. Like the Science Patrol from the old Ultraman series, young Akira's discovery of planet Icarus' collision course with Earth has led to him being forcibly recruited by this top secret coalition populated by good looking Japanese friends from all walks of life attired in matching turtleneck sweaters. Their leader, Dr. Yamatone, sports the sort of perfectly sculptured beard you only find on the face of an Asian or European. I can only imagine how much static electricity had to have been building up from that beard rubbing up against the fabric of his turtleneck sweater. The movie should have given him the power to shoot electrical bolts out of his facial follicles. That would have been sweet.

The Mighty Turtleneckin' Sweater Rangers

Dr. Yamatone is played by Sonny Chiba in one of his rare non-ass kickin' movie roles. Perhaps he decided he didn't want to play Golden Bat because he'd already starred as the masked hero in INVASION OF THE NEPTUNE MEN. I don't know the reason why, I just know it's hard to fathom making a movie like this and casting Sonny Chiba in a role where he never once uses his fighting skills to annihilate another human being. That's like casting a Playboy Playmate in a role that requires nudity and when it comes time for the nude scene they use a body double instead.

Dr. Yamatone introduces Akira to token female Naomi and little girl Emily, Dr. Pearl's precocious granddaughter; because you know there always has to be a kid in here somewhere. Dr. Pearl, it turns out, is the movie's lone Caucasian, an older gentlemen that looked to me like someone from first class who should have gone down with the Titanic. He founded the Pearl Research Laboratory to research and investigate "abnormalities of the earth", such as mysterious islands that suddenly appear in the middle of the ocean, rogue planets on a collision course with our own, and Rumer Willis' face.

Akira is told planet Icarus will collide with Earth in ten days and they need his talents to come up with a way to destroy it. For the record, by the end of the movie, Akira will have done nothing to help stop Icarus or save the day; in fact, he pretty much fades into the background after these opening scenes. Akira is merely the proxy by which to introduce the science team to the audience. Still, it does make you wonder what would have happened if Akira had turned down their membership offer. Would they have had him killed?

The Super Destruction Beam Cannon with the power of 1,000 hydrogen bombs they've developed is the only existing weapon powerful enough to blast a runaway planet out of the solar system. What practical purpose would such a weapon serve aside from blasting rogue planets out of the galaxy? What was the original intent for building such a beam? Godzilla's blackhead remover? Oh, but this Super Destruction Beam Cannon only works in theory - they haven't built the lens yet because it would require a diamond of such magnitude it doesn't exist. Yeah, I'd definitely chalk that up to being a major design flaw.

A distress signal from a lone island in the middle of oceanic nowhere and turtlenecks are go! The science team don their finest jumpsuits that make them look like human baked potatoes, hop into their trusty THUNDERBIRDS flying vehicle, and blast off from the side of their mountain headquarters TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE style. The name of their flying vehicle: Super Car 2. No word on whatever happened to Super Car 1. Must not have been so super.

They arrive at what I believe to be Fantasy Island. I kept waiting for a shot of Tattoo ringing a bell and saying, "Dee Zuper Car! Dee Zuper Car!" Upon landing I change my tune and assume they just touched down on the set of that original Star Trek episode when the Enterprise crew battled the Greek Gods. Nope, my bad, it turns out they've found Atlantis. It unsunk itself.

I clearly missed something somewhere because they found the dead bodies of other science teammates on the island; why they were there I'm not sure. Like it really matters anyway. Who cares about such matters when we're treated to Japanese actors doing those awesome Asian double takes? Only person I've ever seen on my television screen do a better double take than these guys was Howard Cosell when he guest starred on the old Odd Couple show and thought making bug eyes while shaking his head back and forth as his turkey neck flapped in the breeze was a high quality reaction shot. God, I watched too many old TV reruns in my early youth.

Remarkably bouncy stone pillars begin to collapse around them. Little known fact: Atlantis was actually made of Styrofoam, another reason why it was so shocking that it sunk in the first place.

Just then, what emerges from the ocean before them...

NAZO TOWER... They're screwed now!

A ginormous drywall screw with glowing eyes has unspun from the ocean and is preparing to annihilate them. Those eyes unleash a barrage of laser beams shaped like strands of DNA with shockingly poor accuracy given this is weaponry designed by a highly superior alien intelligence. It also has a nose - a nose that snorts fiery boogers that act as the transporter from Star Trek. Wherever these plasma loogies land, in a puff of smoke appear gun-toting Nazo henchmen that look like black casual wear ninja cat burglars with visor masks.

A shootout begins. A very one-sided gun battle. The science team sets their phasers to "hibachi" and this assault force from the stars proves more impotent than nameless C.O.B.R.A. foot soldiers seen in any random episode of G.I. Joe. Yes, alien invaders have come to conquer the Earth and they don't have the sense to not run directly into oncoming fire without ever getting a shot off. They're like kamikazes that don't understand that the point is to kill themselves in a fashion that leads to the deaths of their enemies. Not, "Oh, look; they're firing at me so let me hold my gun over my head and run directly into the line of fire."

Chaos has officially erupted. It's a Japanese science fiction movie from the 1960's - chaos always erupts. You want less chaos and more threads of logic in your pre-1970's Japanese cinema; pick up a Kurosawa movie instead.

Young Emily sees a light and leads them into a series of caverns. Because as we all know, in Japan, when you have to go on a dangerous scientific expedition during a time of global crisis you should always bring the kids with you. The little girl leads them into an underground temple. The men immediately begin ripping stone blocks out of the wall. That's always a good idea within an ancient temple of unknown origin inside a location that's already proven to be geologically unstable. Like a gumball machine, out slides King Tut's sarcophagus. The science team uses a counter to scan the coffin that begins beeping like crazy. Yep, it's bullshit alright. The coffin even has an inscription that displays some serious forward thinking:

10,000 YEARS FROM NOW A CRISIS WILL SURELY FALL UPON HUMAN BEINGS. REMOVE THE LID OF THIS COFFIN AND I, THE GOLDEN BAT, SHALL AWAKE FROM THE SLEEP OF 10,000 YEARS AND FIGHT FOR YOU. PUT A DROP OF WATER ON MY CHEST.

Only a drop of water? He's been asleep for 10,000 years; you'd think he be more parched than that.

Resting in the hands of the catatonic skeletal being in the space age cape ensemble is a giant diamond, the very mineral they need for the lens of the 1,000 H-bomb beam cannon. They take it and the skeleton begins moaning. Can't blame him. They did just mug him.

In bursts the worst intergalactic raiders ever to run directly into more fatal laser beams. Finally, the bad guys get some shots off. A couple members of the science team begin looking around with expressions on their faces as if they're thinking, "Maybe if we pull out another rock something else highly convenient to our cause will slide out." They're desperately seeking some water to awaken the sleeper skeletal superhero. Why not try spitting on him and see if that works. How about a golden show, Golden Bat? Thank goodness there's a tiny waterfall in the room they failed to notice until just that very moment. Emily puts a few drops of water onto Golden Bat's chest and immediately, a tiny bat appears - a tiny bat brought to life via toy bat on a string effects straight out of every El Santo vampire flick ever made. Bush 41's thousand points of light emanate from Golden Bat and the cackling begins as he rises up (literally) ready for action.

Judging by the skull head and flamboyant cape, they just unearthed the FABULOUS Dr. Phibes!

Golden Bat wastes little time going positively whack-tacular on the forces of dark clothing with his MUSIC MAN baton o' death. If you thought they were no match for the science team then just wait until you see how wimpy they prove to be against the world's scariest looking full contact majorette.

What makes Golden Bat's ability to kick mucho heinie with such ease even more amazing is that Golden Bat does not have eyes. His eye sockets are enclosed. How does he see? Does he have sonar like actual bats? Should I even bother asking such questions? Again, not a Kurosawa film.

But can Golden Bat see the power of Golden Bat?

Like a certain giant, fire breathing, flying turtle, Golden Bat also has a soft spot for the kiddies and officially anoints Emily to be Kenny to his Gamera. That little bat lands on her person and turns into a bat-shaped pendant. He tells her to use it to call him whenever they need his help. His "Bat Signal" is an actual bat. Top that, Bruce Wayne.

Golden Bat then leaps straight up into the air and somehow ends up in the sky outside. I mean he was underground in his tomb chamber with the others and now he's suddenly flying amongst the clouds via some of the crudest flying special effects this side of Commander Cody. He proceeds to taunt the screw. "I am Golden Bat, keeper of justice," he declares as he fires a beam or two at the colossal carpentry tool. Nazo is instantly filled with delirious rancor for the newly resurrected death's head of truth, justice, and the Japanese way. That cybernetic space squirrel truly is an animated little scamp when he's flustered. Nazo spazzes out even more as Golden Bat flies onto Nazo Tower and uses his baton to smash windows like a vandal smashing windshields. "Damn you, Golden Bat!" he screams. Sonic the Hedgehog is pissed now. Fitting I described Nazo earlier as looking like a varsity team mascot because he's got spirit, how 'bout you?

The smashing of a few windows is enough to thwart the ruler of the universe. The screw retreats back into the ocean after one last parting threat from Nazo to destroy Earth. Didn't Golden Bat just smash out windows? Shouldn't water go flooding into that thing as it submerges? Again, not a Kurosawa film.

Golden Bat tells the science team that they need to evacuate Atlantis immediately because it will soon sink back down into the depths of the ocean and he doesn't validate parking. Our gallant hero then flies off, leaving them to fend for themselves. Super Car 2 takes off moments before a paper mache model island collapses into a tub of water.

The last time I saw a movie about a giant planetoid on a doomsday course with Earth was THE FIFTH ELEMENT so you can imagine my concern that this movie might conclude with Golden Bat and young Emily having to do it in order to save the world. Creepy old man, young schoolgirl, don't tell me you don't think Japanese filmmakers wouldn't dare go there.

Back at the Pearl Research Laboratory, they decide to double-check their security system on a random squirrel - oddly appropriate if you ask me. Then they test their death beam by blasting Sputnik out of orbit.

Meanwhile, back at Nazo Tower...

"Would the mystery contestant please sign in?"

Nazo is dismayed by mankind's ultimate weapon, declaring they cannot conquer the universe with that Super Destruction Beam Cannon around. But I thought Nazo was already ruler of the universe.

His confidence shaken, Nazo brings in his top three agents of chaos to deal with their newfound beam cannon conundrum: a Japanese Liberace-type with a half-scarred face and glitter in his hair, an attractive Japanese babe, and Eddie Munster all grown up and decked out in Ed Wood's finest angora jumpsuit. The dragon lady is named Piranha, I was a teenage werewolf is named Jackal, and Keloid is the name of the Japanese game show host version of Harvey Two-Face.

Underwater, Nazo Tower opens up a port to allow Seaquest DSV to take-off with his triumvirate of absolute evil. We'll soon come to learn this rocket-powered submarine can also fly. What is it about Japanese science fiction and its love affair with flying submarines? And tentacle rape - what up with that?

That's not how you flash the shocker there, fur face.

Dr. Yamatone's turtleneck tingles signifying the approach of absolute evil.

The trio and more of those worthless stormtroopers are shown at the outskirts of the Pearl Research Laboratory that looks suspiciously like a water treatment plant from the outside. Several swish pans later and they've successfully jumped in the air to avoid all security measures. Then they turn invisible. Next they're shown inside the facility. Did they sneak in or jump in or teleport in or swish pan in? I'm so very dizzy right now. One thing is for certain, the squirrel security test can now be declared a complete failure.

Piranha splits off to go play safecracker the old fashioned way. Despite being from outer space, apparently, they still don't have any fancy high-tech gadgets like Dr. Who capable of easily opening an earthbound wall safe. Turns out the lens' safe was a deception anyway. Naomi walks in on her and Piranha steals the woman's physical appearance, but now with too much eye make-up just to remind us she's the evil Naomi. It's the evil look by Maybelline, the universal sign for an evil Japanese woman on film.

Once again, the potential destroyers of mankind prove no match for random security guards. Just to be on the safe side, Emily summons Golden Bat seconds before Jackal charges in to nab her grandfather. Ah, good ol' Japanese children’s filmmaking, where elementary school girls can be violently bitchslapped by werewolves. Try getting away with that in American kiddy programming.

The bad guys actually get the drop on the good guys but you know this won't last long. I halfway expected to hear Jackal tell the science team, "Drop your weapons or my men will get shot again." The sound of cackling can only mean Golden Bat is in the house. Our hero busts out his whoopin’ stick. It's like watching an angry old man go to town on some young whippersnappers with his cane. He should be telling them to get off his lawn while he's at it. All those useless Nazo henchmen keep trying to use their laser rifles to block his attacks or club him. When they do remember that guns can be used for shooting too, Golden Bat guns them down with his own scepter-beam. Jackal manages to get away with Dr. Pearl in the flying submarine. Golden Bat may not have been able to stop them but he does manage to attach another tiny bat to the ship.

Characters really love yelling "Damn you!" in this movie.

Emily is then shown crying. She didn't cry this much when Jackal pimp-slapped the taste out of her mouth moments earlier. "You can't be crying right now. We have to go rescue your grandfather", she's told. Also missing, the Super Destruction Beam Cannon. But the villains didn't get the lens and without it the beam cannon is worthless. Piranha masquerading as Naomi is still on the premises and asks of the lens' whereabouts. Yamatone tells her it's a secret between him and Dr. Pearl. The way he said it, might as well have come right out and said he wouldn't tell her because she's just a lousy, stinkin' member of the weaker sex.

Nazo demands Dr. Pearl tell him where to find the lens. They have Dr. Pearl strapped by the neck to a love seat and begin to use what I believe the Bush Administration referred to as "alternative interrogation techniques". Remember, it's not torture unless it causes organ malfunction. Oh, wait, that certainly looked like it might have caused some organs to fail.

Since that didn't work, Nazo orders he be put in the "human copier" so that Keloid can take on Dr. Pearl's physical form. Why is it this requires a human duplicator Kinko's machine but Piranha managed to take Naomi's form in mere seconds without the use of 1950's game show booths? Damn you, space science!

It's around this point that the actor portraying Keloid decides to turn his hammy goofiness up about ten notches. This movie was made in '66, the same year "Batman" debuted on TV; did this guy learn to act from watching Caesar Romero's Joker and Frank Gorshin's Riddler or vice versa? And now we're expected to believe that the scarfaced Japanese alien with the silly grin who can't stop giggling is going to be able to masquerade as a stern, ultra serious, old white man.

That tiny bat is now inside Nazo's command room. Nazo flips out again and begins firing his bug zapper eyes at it. You know your apocalyptic plan is in trouble when your fearless leader plotting the destruction of a civilization is such a lousy shot he can't even hit a rubber bat flapping about a room on a wire. The bat flies off. Since Golden Bat now knows the location of the Tower, Nazo orders it immediately be moved to a new location where Golden Bat won't find it.

Roger Corman's THE SECRET OF NIMH 2525

Back at the Laboratory, Emily awakens to find Naomi in her bedroom staring at her. You know when you wake up to find a person acting not like themself in your bedroom babbling about going with them to someplace called "Hell Rock" to look for the family member that got abducted by space aliens the day prior, even a child should be able to figure out something about this is not right.

Here comes Keloid pretending to be J. Paul Getty. Yamatone asks how he escaped Nazo Tower. He gives a nonsensical answer. Yamatone buys it. So much for being the smart one. Bad Chiba.

Emily walks into her grandfather's office and finds Keloid rifling through the cabinets and drawers of Dr. Pearl's office like the worst industrial spy ever. In pure Japanese kiddy show fashion, the old man begins strangling the girl to death with his bare hands. Keloid reveals his true identity and decides to just put her to sleep with a hypnosis beam from his eye. Don't worry, child strangling fans, Keloid takes her to Nazo Tower where within moments Jackal will get his turn to wrap his hands around her throat while her grandpa watches in horror.

If I may quote a line from the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode of INVASION OF THE NEPTUNE MEN, "So the aliens come and strangle little kids. Thank you, Japan!"

Bad news: Icarus has changed speed and will now collide with Earth in three days. Three days? That long? We're shown planet Icarus crashing right through our moon turning it into a permanent crescent moon. I'd say if the moon just got smashed in half that's going to be bigger trouble for Earth in the long run regardless of whether they blast Icarus with the beam cannon. They need the beam cannon by noon tomorrow or else it'll be too late to destroy Icarus without it still raining down upon us. With the moon nearly obliterated, by noon tomorrow the tides should be washing Japan away.

It was around this point that something occurred to me. We still had yet to be given any reason as to why Nazo is doing any of this aside from him just being a big meanie. What is his motivation? What is his goal? What's the point? We'll never get an answer. Never. He's just a jerk - a stupid looking jerk.

Now it's Piranha's turn to get found out as she snoops about the station. She then makes a hasty getaway via automobile as day magically turns to night (The effects of the destroyed moon already being felt?). The good guys give chase. Why is it the Japanese only appeared to drive American cars while the aliens drove Japanese cars? Strange. Good guys get ambushed, the only moment in the entire running time of this movie that those faceless otiose lackeys fully pull one over on the heroes. Piranha gets back to Nazo Tower where the easily angered misogynist robo rodent has her executed for getting her cover blown before finding the lens. What really doomed her was her telling Nazo she believed Golden Bat had the lens because that's the only logical explanation, and as should be obvious by now, "logical explanation" is a phrase nobody in this film should ever utter. Say, if incompetence leads to death in Nazo Tower shouldn't the inside of this place look like Jonestown by now?

Intermittently throughout the film we've been shown people on the streets of Tokyo looking up and staring in horror at the glowing ball in the sky that is Icarus. It's to the point now that it's hard not to wonder if the people of Japan ever go home or have just been standing in the streets huddled in terror for days. Their horror is magnified as Nazo Tower begins unscrewing from the ground in the middle of downtown Tokyo.

Downtown Tokyo: Golden Bat will never locate Nazo Tower here.

As Golden Bat, Dr. Yamatone, and random sweater rangers look on from a Tokyo rooftop, Keloid, who has now taken to hopping around like Gorshin's Riddler on crack, and some Nazo minions bring out captured members of the science team onto a small deck high atop Nazo Tower and threaten to kill them unless Golden Bat, who did indeed have the lens, surrenders it. Somehow the two sides can perfectly see and hear one another despite being separated by an impossible distance. Keloid proceeds to toss action figures made of matchsticks to their deaths from the tower. Golden Bat takes to the air in preparation to unleash his own personal baton death march. This is truly cinema at its finest.

The next scene of Nazo has him addressing his crew via intercom. It's here that I first notice that he does so by a microphone that's hanging from the ceiling in front of him like the ring announcers would use to introduce old time boxing matches. For a moment I thought they'd actually filmed the boom mic by mistake, but no, it's just more of that fancy space age Nazo technology that's led him down the path of being ruler of the universe.

Nazo was the hit of the karaoke party with his rendition of "Mamma Said Knock You Out"

Jackal's back in his rocket-powered flying sub that shoots missiles using cap gun special effects. Golden Bat single-handedly dogfights the sub with his laser-shooting baton. Then he lands on it in mid-air and uses the ball as a welding torch to cut his way into the vessels' hull. More minions emerge to fight him on the outside first, once again forgetting how to shoot a gun. Golden Bat quickly dispenses with them. Tosses off the sides to their doom; the f/x long shot makes it look like fleas are falling off a plastic toy. This is all staged exactly like a scene straight out of FLASH GORDON and I'm talking about the FLASH GORDON that wouldn't be produced for nearly another 15-years. BAT! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!! HE'LL SAVE EVERY ONE OF US!

Groin shot with the baton and Jackal is neutered into oblivion. It does appear this wolfman's got nards.

Isn't that what John Holmes used to say? I don't think that was justice but it was definitely served.

Nazo, who, remember, has yet to give us any explanation as to what exactly his masterplan is aside from destroying Earth with planet Icarus, is now having a full scale panic attack, not just because of Golden Bat ruining his vague masterplan, but because he just realized that now he too is in a position to be killed by the oncoming rogue planet if Nazo Tower doesn't blast off shortly. Nazo just didn't plan anything out, did he? I mean nothing. Even Atlantis and Golden Bat were able to plan 10,000 years in advance; you'd think the supposed rule of the universe could at least plan a few days ahead of time.

It just dawned on me that with the way he's positioned on that perch in that funky room, Nazo's like Dick Clark hosting Nazo Bandstand. I'm waiting for him to introduce Jan & Dean or the Beach Boys.

Golden Bat has commandeered the rocket sub and being that this is a Japanese film; he uses it to kamikaze Nazo Tower. It tilts to the side becoming the Leaning Tower of Nazo. The tower didn't actually stop falling over; the film just froze it in place once it tilted to the proper angle in one of the most awkward special effects shots I've ever seen. Nothing seen in the interior scenes to follow will be leaning either. No time to contemplate such continuity errors when you're already on to the next perplexing mystery: how did Dr. Yamatone, Akira, and random members of Dr. Pearl's International Science Alliance suddenly get inside Nazo Tower? Where continuity goes, GOLDEN BAT does not follow. I'm surprisingly okay with this.

Dr. Pearl, Emily, and Naomi are rescued from their holding cells where they'd both been chained up like prisoners in a medieval dungeon - more of that state-of-the-art Nazo technology. Keloid and some minions cut them off in a hallway. Swords suddenly spring up from the floor trapping the good guys in a dead end. Keloid is the happiest man in the known universe until the sound of Golden Bat's cackling fills the room. The Golden Bat "baton whacking theme music" kicks in. By now you shouldn't need me to tell you what happens next. All you really need to know is that this is how Keloid dies...

Time for the final face-off between the Halloween attired Atlantian bulwark and the megalomaniacal mechanical marsupial made of velveteen that escaped from a very special episode of Romper Room. It's a very scattershot battle, and by that I mean Nazo fires off a shot and Golden Bat scatters. When Golden Bat returns fires, Nazo need only duck and weave. You'd think Nazo would be much easier to blast given his being fused into that swivel chair. Nazo's metal claw - turns out it has Shogun Warriors' flying fist action: detaches, soars across the room, and strangles Golden Bat very loosely by the throat. Our hero responds by using his baton as a javelin to impale Nazo right through the forehead, fitting given Nazo's head already looks like it would make a decent pin cushion. A plume of smoke and Nazo is no more. Golden Bat appears momentarily confused. After all that's happened in this film now's seems hardly the right moment for the hero to display his very first moment of confusion.

Nazo's brief run as the drummer for Spinal Tap also ended in tragedy

Nazo Tower self destructs. Golden Bat and all of Dr. Pearl's people are somehow back down on a rooftop. Golden Bat gives them the lens he'd been safe-keeping and returns the Super Destruction Beam Cannon he retrieved from Nazo Tower in the nick of time. He even tells them, "This is your beam cannon," as if everyone else would be too stupid to figure this out on their own. Duh. Of course it's their beam cannon. What else would it be? A colonoscopy device with 1,000 times the magnitude of an H-bomb?

Speaking of nick of time, the world's most powerful laser pointer is finally put into action and detonates planet Icarus into a zillion particles. Everyone celebrates, at least they will until the half destroyed moon causes Earth's tides to submerge Japan. But that's another Japanese movie for another day.

One quick cut later and we see they've already built the Golden Bat memorial down in some ravine near the Pearl Research Laboratory saluting the fallen, particularly Nazo, as it's his metal claw that adorns the monument like some sort of eternal flame. Golden Bat unveils his power to leave inscriptions on stone tablets with merely a hand swipe.

HE WHO ATTEMPTS TO CONQUER THE WORLD WITH POWER WILL DIE BY HIS OWN POWER

Strong, thoughtful words… Except for the pesky fact that Nazo was really seeking mass genocide more than actual conquest. Regardless, an important sentiment one should take to heart. Too bad the Japanese didn't get this message 25-years sooner.

Golden Bat bids farewell to his favorite prepubescent ragamuffin but looks like he couldn't give a crap about the adult members of the Pearl researchers. He flies away, cackling, and even waves farewell to Emily as she runs after waving and repeatedly yelling "Sayonara!" just like the final moments of nearly every pre-1970 Gamera flick. Atlantis has already sunk back into the ocean so who the hell knows where exactly Golden Bat is flying off to. With mankind safe, perhaps he's off to spend the next 10,000 years until calamity falls upon us again finding his fortune as a tombstone engraver. Surely those inscription swiping powers have to have some practical monetary benefit.

Thus concludes GOLDEN BAT: seventy of the greatest minutes in the history of Japanese motion picture cinema ever.

Please keep in mind that this was just a broad text summation that cannot possibly fully capture the energy of the film's spirit or the peculiarity of its aesthetics. Words cannot convey all the wacky sound effects just about everything in the movie makes, the giddy intensity heard in the voices of Golden Bat and Nazo (a dub job could never do this film justice), the hilarity of so many of the visuals in action, and just the insane exuberance that permeates every aspect of the entire production. If ever there was a movie that you have to see for yourself it's GOLDEN BAT (and if you want to see it, CLICKING HERE might help you). Gobsmacking amounts of wabi-sabi for your viewing pleasure. I cannot recommend it highly enough. Arigato, GOLDEN BAT.

IN MEMORY OF NAZO, THE RULER OF THE UNIVERSE
DAMN YOU!

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE GODZILLA 2000