MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE MO' MONEY

TURBO TEEN is the story of Brett Matthews, just your average everyday teenage driving around in a $50,000 state-of-the-art sports car. That was until he wrecked his car through the wall of a high tech research lab and got zapped by an experimental laser beam - now he and his car are one. Whenever Brett's body temperature rises he transforms into his sleek red Camaro. Along with his token black friend Alex, bubbly blonde potential girlfriend Pattie, and trusty sheepdog Rusty, Brett Matthews uses his new automotive morphing superpowers to fight crime while being pursued my a mysterious monster truck driving enemy named Dark Rider and desperately trying to avoid driving into swimming pools. Think of it as Speed Racer meets Manimal!

No, this is not a rerun and you're not experiencing deja vu. It was two years ago this month that I unveiled my "Dude, I Am My Car!" Foyeurism devoted to the monumentally ludicrous Saturday morning cartoon from the early 80s Turbo Teen. At the end of that Foyeurism I vowed to find another episode of this spectacularly bad toon from my childhood. It took me nearly two years but I finally tracked down two more episodes. If you missed out on the original then you can read it by CLICKING HERE or you can just dive in headfirst like I usually do. Turbo Teen is back for the first ever Foyeurism sequel...

 

2 TURBO 2 TEEN

 

TELEPORTATION MISHAPS AND THE WORLD OF ILLEGAL STREET RACING COLLIDE IN ONE WILD ACTION PACKED FILM - THE FLY & THE FURIOUS

Our first episode is entitled VIDEO VENGER.

This episode was written by Michael Brown. I presume since this was made in 1983 that this is not the FEMA guy, and if it was he'd probably blame the poor quality on Homeland Security anyways.

We open in the nation's capitol. Brett, Alex, and Pattie are hanging out in the largest video arcade I've ever seen; this thing even has its own pizza parlor. Despite the enormity of the venue, only another small child and the Super Mario look-a-like running the pizza stand are in there. Pac-Man, Donkey Kong, Dig Dug, Centipede - forget them! The hottest video game in this video arcade is called The Venger. As best I can tell you play as the White House as it sits stationary in the center of the screen shooting lasers in every direction at the various tanks that are attacking. Hold on a sec… On second glance it looks like you might be actually playing the tanks instead. That doesn't make any sense. Nothing about this game makes any sense, least of all why anyone would want to play it.

SEVEN DAYS IN MAY: THE VIDEOGAME FOR THE ATARI 2600

Alex's failure to either protect or destroy democracy leads Brett to declare in far too sassy a manner for comfort, "I'm gonna beat the pants off you, Alex." Less than 60 seconds in and the homosexual undertones to Brett and Alex's relationship that I've always suspected have already begun.

Rusty spots some kid getting a slice of pizza and decides to commit a smash & grab. The pizza slice goes flying and lands on Brett. A slice of warm pizza is all it takes to set off Brett's automotive lycanthropy. After watching a man transform into an expensive sports car right there in the middle of the arcade, that kid gets up, wipes his glasses, and states in a confused manner that he needs to get a new pair before casually walking away, completely ignoring both the dog that just sacked him, his lost pizza, and his sanity. We never get Super Mario's take on what he has just witnessed. I suspect he'd probably just blame it on the mushrooms.

Alex declares himself the winner because Brett can't play a video game in car form, but Brett begs to differ and has Alex plug the game into his cigarette lighter port so he can play. You'll be too mesmerized by the animated visual of what looks like a Camaro dry humping a video arcade game to ask where that cable just came from.

It turns out the The Venger video game is actually a simulator demo being used by a mysterious paramilitary group led by the devious Major Masters, almost a dead ringer for G.I. Joe foe Major Bludd minus the eye patch. Maybe it's his cousin? Don't bothering asking how or why this military outfit is using a video arcade game as part of its scheme to commit a coup-de-tat because there is no explanation and the game itself is. Brett's tapping into the game causes an overload in the never to be named military outfit's mainframe. One of their remote control "Blaster" tanks (just like a tank from the video game) short circuits and rolls out. Nobody in the nation's capitol notices or reacts to a giant tank with an enormous drill bit rolling down the street as being in any way out of the ordinary?

That Blaster tank is next seen rolling through the wall of the video arcade. Everyone hops into Turbo Teen and a street chase ensues. Giant tank, small car - they take turns sideswiping one another but are unable to force the other off the road. That's just not right. Alex makes a comment that I assume is in regards to stopping the tank, "I wish I could get my wrench on his battery." I'm not touching that comment with a ten-foot pole.

You know the old ruse where a good guy is being chased, ducks around a corner, and when the bad guy comes around the corner there's no sign of the good guy, who then drops down on top of the bad guy? Same thing happens here only the good guy is a car and we're given no clue how it got up there or, for that matter, what or where up there is. How the hell did he do that? Alex climbs out and proceeds to rip some cables disabling the tank.

Rather than leave well enough alone, the paranoid nogoodnicks send more Blasters after them. The pursuit winds up on another one of those freeways with no side rails as seen in the Daredevil Run episode; at least this episode has the sense to state that this stretch of elevated highway is unfinished. One Blaster manages to take itself out and the other two by collapsing a stretch of the elevated highway as Turbo Teen turbo boosts to safety. Turbo Teen ends up landing in a backyard swimming pool; the cool water makes Brett turn back into a human. If this had been THE LAST BOY SCOUT his ass would have exploded instead.

The Turbo Gang (which I will call them for short now) heads back to the Washington D.C. hotel where Brett's parents are staying. The nameless villain organization that I shall dub W.I.M.P. (Woefully Inept Military Power) get a print out identifying Brett as the registered owner of the car he actually is and, according to the print out, Brett listed his address as the Washington Hotel. Huh? He lives with his family in a hotel? Major Masters exclaims, "Find that car and destroy it." Umm, don't you mean find the owner there, Masters, or do you naturally assume that just because you have an army of remote control tanks that all other vehicles think and operate on their own? It appears the man has declared war on an inanimate object.

Back at the Washington Hotel that may actually be home, Brett asks Rusty (The dog, mind you!) to bring him some hot chocolate, which the pooch does by picking up the smoking hot kettle with its teeth. Ignoring the fact that a dog just delivered a container of scalding hot liquid to him with its teeth, I really don't think hot chocolate is something he should be consuming given Brett/Turbo Teen's hair trigger. Sure enough, Brett's mom's attempt to enter the room results in Brett getting splashed with the hot chocolate. He can drink hot chocolate with no problem but getting splashed with it is enough to transform him? The inconsistent logistics of this superpower would quickly drive most people to suicide.

They hide werecar Brett from mom on the balcony. Nobody below notices a sports car standing upright on a hotel balcony except for the small, not even bothering to go incognito, militia waiting below. One goon tosses a grappling hook and tries to pull the car down with opposite results. Mom & Dad are apparently too deaf to hear a car squeal out of their hotel room and roar down the supersized hallway into the ginormous elevator.

In the parking garage below, a generic baddie spots them, "If it isn't our troublesome car." Who the hell talks like that not in a Transformers or Speed Buggy cartoon? It makes even less sense since they don't even know the truth about Brett being the car. And what's with this militia and their obsession with grappling hooks? Doesn't anyone possess a firearm?

"MAGNUM P.I. - THE ANIME MOVIE"

More grappling hooks are launched from jack-booted thugs in jeeps that proceed to encircle Turbo who reacts by whirling them into submission. A license plate falls off one of the jeeps as they retreat after having been humiliated yet again by a lone automobile. Pattie notices a sticker on the license plate indicating it was purchased from Smilin' Sam's Used Cars. The militia looking to overthrow the US gov't can afford to build state of the art robotic drone tanks yet purchases their driving around jeeps from a local used car salesman? W.I.M.P. is officially the single least effective would be conquerors since the invaders from Krankor in PRINCE OF SPACE. Heck, even GODZILLA VS. THE SEA MONSTER's "Red Bamboo" militia seemed to have their act together by comparison.

The Turbo Gang goes undercover pretending to be looking to sell Turbo Teen to Smilin' Sam, who just cannot wait to run inside and phone Major Masters about the car being there. Et tu, Smilin' Sam? Is everyone in on this conspiracy? It's a sad day for the republic when you can't even trust the used car salesmen.

THE POWER. THE STYLE. THE DESIRE. THE SCENT. ALEX - A COLOGNE FOR MEN

A perspective buyer takes an interest in Turbo Teen only to be greeted with a money shot from Turbo's window washer reservoir. Undeterred, the guy climbs inside for a test drive only to have Brett spin him into submission too.

PETER NORTH IS TURBO TEEN

A "Chopper" - it looks like a gargantuan earthmover with car munching jaws - from the video game arrives to finish off our favorite auto. We again have a giant, menacing looking vehicles rolling through the streets of our nation's capitol without anyone raising an eyebrow. Benedict Sam has also joined the ambush by using his forklift to capture Turbo Teen in an attempt to literally feed the man-car to the Chopper. Turbo escapes by letting out a noxious fart (i.e. exhaust blast).

The ensuing chase leads into a construction site where Turbo Teen does more improbable automotive gymnastics - this time rolling right up a crane and causing it to drop tons of metal onto the Chopper. Major Masters is told that the car has defeated his latest war machine. "I must defeat this menace if my invasion it to succeed," vows Masters. Here's an idea - just leave it the hell alone! All they cared about after the first encounter was going home to drink hot chocolate; now they're on your case because you and your army of robotic vehicles and grappling hook armed soldiers had to escalate the situation. Stupid W.I.M.P.'s!

Why am I getting worked up over the idiot machinations of an imbecilic cartoon? This show is fantastic, and by fantastic I mean it's so ungodly bad you can't help but laugh hysterically as every ounce of intelligence you possess gets reduced to a fine ooze. What's that goo leaking out of my ear?

Alex swipes the remote control box (that looks more like a car battery and is sitting in plain view attached to nothing) from out of the defeated Chopper. They talk of taking it to a scientist for examination. Alex puts it in Turbo Teen's glove compartment. Almost instantly, Major Masters is now able to take control of Turbo Teen and forces him to drive to Major Masters' secret headquarters. Masters can even control the seatbelts as Alex and Pattie get strapped in like hostages.

You'd think the CIA, NSA, or whoever would be alarmed that there's a full fledged unauthorized military compound sitting out in the open just on the outskirts of Washington D.C., but no.

Master's plan is to drive them straight into explosive barrels of within his compound. This guy really ought to be working for C.O.B.R.A. if that's the sort of idea he thinks is a sound plan. Speeding towards the barrels of an unidentified explosive substance, Rusty uses his apparently diamond encrusted teeth to chew through Pattie's seat belt in two seconds flat. This allows Pattie to make like Sabrina, the Teenage Witch by producing a grappling hook of her own out of thin air. What is this show's obsession with grappling hooks? The plan isn't to find a way to stop the car but change Brett back into human form before he drives them all to a fiery death. "I hope that summer at the dude ranch pays off," she utters before hooking a water tower and toppling it over so that water spills onto them, cool enough to change Brett back into human form so that he can no longer be controlled. Do I dare ask where the control box that was in his glove compartment went? Guess what, Brett - you just got a pacemaker!

Unaware of the dog's razor teeth, Pattie's summer at the dude ranch, or her ability to conjure grappling hooks at will, Masters automatically assumes that because he's no longer getting a signal from the control box then that must mean that they've been blown to kingdom come. This whole thing happened on his base, there was no explosion, and none of his uniformed soldier's saw what actually happened. Uh, there's more of that goo coming out of my ears. I might need to see a doctor before this all over.

The Turbo Gang now makes like the Scooby Gang swiping uniforms to blend in with Masters' soldiers so they can sneak into his big computer room. It is here that we finally learn the masterplan: Masters has another type of tank called "Ice Mongers" that will freeze the Potomac River and then freeze the White House. Somehow, this is all it will take to give Masters supreme control over the United State of America. The Blasters will then defend his Presidency because the entire power of the United States Armed Forces, CIA, FBI, Secret Service, state and local police, and average citizens willing to take up arms will be helpless against the sheer might of remote control tanks with huge drills. Even a drunken, lobotomized Cobra Commander couldn't come up with a plan this ill-conceived. And I must comment on just how irresponsible this show is in giving ideas to our enemies. Al Qaida could be watching and if they ever find out that the United States will surrender its Presidency by merely freezing the Potomac River, we're screwed bit time.

The Turbo Gang's plan to takedown Masters' computer system fails when Alex presses the wrong colored button. The only thing this gets them is captured and tossed into the brig where their punishment is manual labor. Masters went from wanting them killed to being forced to mop up the jail floor - with hot water. Oops!

WORST BAPTISM EVER

Turbo Teen is back and his full transformation scene - the first detailed one in this particular episode - is as disturbing as always.

I'VE HAD THIS NIGHTMARE BEFORE ONLY INSTEAD OF TIRES MY HANDS AND FEET TURNED INTO... UH, I'D REALLY RATHER NOT GO INTO DETAILS.

Hey, I just noticed something. If you play the transformation sequence in slow motion you'll notice some really peculiar stages in his transformation from human into automobile.

???GEORGE WASHINGTON???

And if you think his face turning into the first President of the United States is impressive then get a load of...

???THE MARS FACE???

The mystery deepens. The enigma grows. Next week on In Search Of...

Masters' coup begins; a coup that consists of three tanks with freeze rays and a megalomaniacal Robert Goulet look-a-like driving alongside in a jeep. The Potomac is frozen solid. Turbo Teen makes a Dukes of Hazzard style jump so that he skims a box being hauled by some guy on a forklift just enough to clip off some plywood from it to be used, essentially, as wooden skis for his tires so that they won't come in contact with the ice that would change him back. What makes this the most impossibly improbable event to occur in a cartoon that's really just one impossibly improbable event after another is that Turbo decided on this plan before the guy driving the forklift carrying the box had even exited the warehouse way down the hill out of Turbo's line of sight. Oh, and now Turbo's exhaust pipe can shoot flames, which he uses to melt the ice and sink one of the Ice Mongers.

The showdown heads into midtown traffic where the Ice Mongers have no trouble but Turbo Teen finds himself/itself stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. Thank goodness for those hydraulic lifts in his tires that his chassis in order to pass over and through the traffic jam. Swiss army knives have fewer features than Turbo Teen. My threshold for inexplicable stupidity is reaching its breaking point. Good thing this episode is nearly over. Damn, more ear ooze!

Showdown at the Lincoln Memorial! An errant freeze ray ices the statue of Abraham Lincoln. Having been the man that emancipated his ancestors, Alex is naturally pissed off that someone would dare desecrate the 16th President. For Alex, the battle is now personal.

THE EVER POPULAR BUKKAKE LINCOLN MEMORIAL

An Ice Monger blasts Turbo Teen with a freeze ray but only hits his front end. The cold, of course, triggers his transformation, but this time only his front end transforms. They really are just making this all up as they go along aren't they? A most disturbing visual - his human from the abdomen up torso is crawling on his hands, dragging his car form back-end around sort of like Evil Ed's mortally wounded mid-transformation dog form in FRIGHT NIGHT. The amount of energy he uses to crawl down the stairs like this while Alex, Pattie, and Rusty help push overheats him enough to change back completely into Turbo Teen.

DO YOU FIND THIS IMAGE AS UNSETTLING AS I DO?

Major Masters and his two remaining Ice Mongers break down the White House gates where the only security standing between him and his plan to overthrow the Presidency are two soldiers - one that looks like Danny Trejo dressed as a bus driver and the other that really does look like Major Bludd assuming the role of Major Bludd was being played by the late Don Knotts.

They get frozen and Masters officially ordains himself leader of the free world. Democracy's last hope, that kid that can transform into his car and makes balloon animals out of basic human logic for 22-minutes an episode, arrives just in time to pull the old in the middle crossfire routine causing the two remaining Ice Mongers to freeze one another. As abruptly as he declared his masterdom, Masters signals a retreat. Alex avenges the freezing of the Great Emancipator by using one of Turbo Teen's seatbelts to slingshot an icicle that punctures the tires of Masters' jeep. Crash! "We surrender," he cowardly exclaims. What a sorry ass villain. You just know some of Major Masters' DNA ended up being used in the creation of Serpentor.

The President, who we only see from behind and looks physically more like the father from The Nanny than Ronald Reagan, presents each of the Turbo Teen Gang with a Medal of Freedom (Rusty too) for preventing a coup that will go on to be the basis for the film Seven Seconds in Some Unspecified Month. They request an extra medal for someone not in attendance (Note to Brett: quit being a glory whore; you don't need a second medal for your car form!) prompting the President to ask why this other individual is not there in person.

"He had a hoodache, I mean headache."

"He had to go to the doctor for a tune-up, I mean check-up."

I wonder how drunk one has to be to write a show like this. Speaking of which, I think it's time for an important public service announcement from out good friends at Turbo Teen.

FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS DRINK & MORPH

Our second episode is DARK RIDER AND THE WOLVES OF DOOM.

The last episode surprisingly did not feature the usual menacing camea by Dark Rider so this episode tries to make up for it by being completely about Turbo Teen's monster-truck driving nemesis. Alas, we will not get an explanation about the make-up case that fell out of the truck in the Daredevil Run episode.

We open with a leisure drive down the empty city streets. No one is in the driver's seat as Rusty's in the back and Alex is riding shotgun - good thing the streets are empty otherwise someone would notice. No Pattie, although Brett does comment that he hopes she's not going with anyone to the homecoming dance. Alex takes notice of French exchange student Monique in the car next to them at a red light. Alex, as smooth as he can be, "Bon juer, pretty mama. You're looking pretty fine." Her response is typical French anti-Americanism. "You Americans, you're too fresh," she snootily responds in as bad a fake French accent you'll ever hear. What a stuck up bitch. I'm calling them Freedom Fries now, missy.

IT STINKS!

Shot down by that secular progressive, socialist, Parisian harlot, they continue their trip to meet Pattie at cheerleader practice. They take short cut through back alley only to find their mysterious monster truck nemesis Dark Rider waiting for them. The chase is on. Oh, look, another abandoned construction site! Abandoned construction sites are to Turbo Teen episodes what gravel quarries are to Dr. Who episodes. Turbo decides to hide this one out. Immediately after telling Alex not to make a sound, Alex honks the horn twice and acts like it was an accident. Actually, it was an accident but the animators did it so poorly that it looks like Alex did so intentionally, in essence ratting him out.

Say... That would make a great episode. Alex turns on Brett, joins up with Dark Rider, and eventually realizes his mistake but by then it's too late. Brett then feels betrayed, Pattie won't speak to him, Rusty bites him, and Dark Rider eventually runs Alex down when he sacrifices himself to save the friends he wronged. I smell a Peabody Award for that one. Ah, to dream.

It's up an old service elevator until Dark Rider rams it, causes it to begin to topple, and Turbo is forced to perform yet another inexplicable escape, this time launching himself from a the wobbly elevator platform to a crane hook and then to a high floor opening in a parking garage that instantly caves in repeatedly. Hey, I think THE TAKING OF BEVERLY HILLS stole this last part. A lot of the automotive stuff in this show makes me wonder if the makers of THE TRANSPORTER 2 ever saw it too.

IT'S ALWAYS THE ONE YOU LEAST SUSPECT

Brett reveals to us that he can do all this because he's on the school gymnastics team. This explains a lot actually. They should have done a crossover episode with that Mr. T cartoon where he drove around fighting bad guys with a gymnastics team. They could even have Mr. T get zapped by the ray that merged Brett and his car so that from now on whenever Mr. T gets overheated he'll transform into his own gold chains. Gold chains - WITH A MOHAWK!

The chase is on - again. Barrels of salt (?) get knocked over; Bret loses control, and rolls right into a laundry mat with broken water pipes. The water turns him back into Brett. Dark Rider exclaims, "At last, I've tracked the car." Hey, Dark Rider speaks! And he sounds like every other low pitched, breathy cartoon villain of the 80s. That's probably because the character was voiced by Frank Welkner, who did in fact voice most of the cartoon villains of the 80s.

Too bad they slipped out the window when he wasn't looking. Dark Rider finally figures out that the boy and his car are one. Monique drives up and sees them on the side of the road. Good thing she's just been driving in circles for the last three minutes. Now that she's decided that she likes fresh Americans she gives them a lift to school. Dark Rider lurks behind. Amazing how a monster truck can constantly sneak up on people.

After dropping them off at Hillmont High, we're off to the veterinary clinic run by Monique's dad, a vet/scientist looking for a cure to something. The important thing is that the formula he's developed has a nasty side effect in that it can regress an animal to a primitive state. He must have been looking for a cure to evolution. Take that, Darwinists!

Who comes crawling through the window to take father hostage and steal his formula but none other than Dark Rider. No, the monster truck did not just creep through an open window; it's Dark Rider himself, the man behind the truck. As you can see from the pic below, Turbo Teen's archnemesis Dark Rider turns out to be none other than...

LADIES & GENTLEMEN, MR. CARMEN SANDIEGO!

Meanwhile, the Hillmont Hounds cheerleading practice is in full swing where we see Alex and Rusty...

OH, DEAR GOD... PLEASE NO! ALEX, CONTROL YOURSELF!!!

Pattie is unhappy because Brett is late. This gives Eddie Dirkson - think the villainous jock from BETTER OFF DEAD if he were a redhead and animated in the style of Archie Comics - the chance to hit on Pattie, who rebukes his advances telling him she's going with Brett. Monique shows up just in time to throw herself at Brett. He's confused, Pattie's jealous. Pattie responds by agreeing to go with Eddie, also confused. Brett's now jealous so he agrees to go with Monique. Alex continues trying to get a sweater onto Rusty; at least I hope and pray that's what he's trying to do. This was almost like a scene out of the worst episode of Saved By The Bell ever.

It's homecoming. Everyone is dressed in their swanky formal duds. Monique, who keeps calling him "Bwett", excuses herself to go to the bathroom to powder her nose. Pattie somehow determines that a woman excusing herself to go to the bathroom qualifies as suspicious activity and follows her. Good call because she overhears Monique on the phone with Dark Rider. Pattie wants to warn Brett, Monique attempts to lure Brett outside, breakdancing ensues. Seriously. Brett is challenged to bust a move. The animation of this is beyond priceless. What starts out looking like random animated body spasms just turns bizarre in a matter of seconds.

And who the hell breakdances to the tune of Huey Lewis & The News' "Heart of Rock 'n' Roll" anyways?

Brett is such a dancing fool he can't even stop himself from dancing straight out of the building. He's realized that his uncontrollable dance fever is raising his body temperature so he tries to get out of the auditorium before going full auto. What kind of sex life is this guy ever gonna have if five seconds of vigorous breakdancing is all it takes to transform him?

NAPOLEON TURBO TEEN

Even in car form he hops around outside the building to the beat to the shock and awe of many (myself included), even turning upside down and spinning doing a headspin on its roof, before hopping into the school swimming pool to regain his human form and what's left of his dignity. I so need to learn how to make an animated gif of this. Who needs crack when you can watch something like this?

Monique, who is apparently blind, greets him at the pool unaware of his car hopping. She takes him to get dry at the school theater. Brett turns around and there's Dark Rider sitting there in plain view where he apparently couldn't see him until it flashed its headlights on him. It's a trap! Monique set him up! Brett turns and runs away. Dark Rider's plan has failed.

The Turbo Gang confronts Monique who reveals that Dark Rider blackmailed her to set Brett up in exchange for her father's safety. The gang decides to use her to capture Dark Rider and save daddy.

Next day at the Homecoming parade, Turbo Teen disguised as a float that looks like someone combined the shows Pimp My Ride with Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Pattie rides on top; Alex is in a crane stashed behind a corner. Dark Rider takes the bait and quickly realizes he's been duped. Turbo makes his movie, jumps over the truck, and launches a Spider-Manesque net. In the world of Turbo Teen, a sports car is powerful enough to forcibly tow a monster truck, and Dark Rider is dragged to Alex's crane. The hook nets Dark Rider and hoists the truck into the air. It's all finally over. Dark Rider has been captured.

IN HUMAN FORM THAT NET WOULD ACTUALLY BE HIS SMALL INTESTINES, RIGHT?

At least he was until he opened the truck door and lures Rusty by saying "Here, boy." The dumb dog jumps right into Dark Rider's cab. "I have your dog. Release me or suffer the consequences," demands Dark Rider. I'm fairly certain that is the first time that line has ever been uttered in history of human existence. The Turbo Gang surrenders and releases Dark Rider, who speeds off with their dog.

Back at Dark Rider's hideout, the enigmatic truck-driving bad guy does a little chemistry with the science vet's formula to use on several dogs including Rusty. He informs the tied to a chair scientist that he will use the formula on the dogs to prove Brett Matthews is his car. "Impossible! A boy cannot be a car!" said so matter of factly in a bad French accent by vet dad making it a million times funnier.

The dogs suddenly go feral upon sniffing vial. This doesn't explain how they can also be commanded by Dark Rider. Maybe that was what he added to the formula. He drives them to Brett's house and releases them. Brett is dreaming about rescuing Rusty when he's attacked in bed by the dog pack and dragged down the stairs. Mom complains of loud noises. Brett transforms because getting dragged down a flight of stairs by a dog is overheating him. As he transforms, those stairs suddenly become super wide. Dogs chew up his upholstery (His scrotum perhaps?) and spills milk onto him that somebody left sitting on counter. Another transformation leads to Brett being dragged by the seat of his pant by Rusty while Brett's aloof mom complains of the mess, completely unaware that her son has just been abducted.

ATTEMPTING TO RECREATE THAT FAMOUS COPPERTONE AD IS FAR MORE DISTURBING THAN AMUSING WHEN YOU'RE A TEENAGER

Pattie & Alex somehow know what's going on because Monique's dad escaped and told them of Dark Rider's scheme; none of which anyone ever bothered to animate. They know that Dark Rider's hideout is in an abandoned housing project.

Sure enough, Brett is chained up like he's in a medieval dungeon in this dilapidated building where he argues with Dark Rider about being/not being Turbo Teen. Dark Rider's masterplan is to regress the dogs into wolves again and unleash them upon the city because he knows that Turbo Teen would rather reveal his identity than let wolves stalk the city. Now that is some ballsy logic. There's that gunk pouring out of my ear again.

By the way, the film WOLFEN would have been a million times better if Albert Finney had been able to transform into a sports car.

Alex and Pattie overhear Dark Rider's plan and come up with one of their own. The formula is used, the devolved dogs are unleashed again, and just as Alex is about to break, who should appear outside but Turbo Teen. Dark Rider is stunned, realizes he was wrong, and sets out to destroy it. But it isn't the real Turbo Teen. No, it's a cardboard cutout attached to the side of Pattie's convertible with a boom box playing a looped tape of a Trans Am revving its engine. What an amazing plan they slapped together in less than 20 seconds! All that's missing is a grappling hook.

This is the type of stuff that makes you wonder if the writers of cartoons likes this were either total hacks, thoroughly believed that in order to write a show that appealed to kids they had to completely toss out any semblance of logic, or dropped some acid, stared at a few animation cells from the show, and let chemically induced nature take its course.

HEY, SOMEBODY ANIMATED ME WATCHING THIS EPISODE.

Brett gets so angry he overheats and transforms while Dark Rider outside realizes he's been duped yet again.

But forget about Dark Rider, someone has to stop those dogs. The Turbo Gang follows the dog tracks that are leading for the school stadium. The dogs are leaving tracks in the street pavement?

The Hillmont High Homecoming game is in halftime when wild dogs attack the marching band. Monique and her kidnapped up until a few minutes ago dad are in the stands. Dad mumbles something about catching the dogs because he has an antidote. Turbo Teen must have super hearing because he somehow heard the guy mention the antidote even though they hadn't even arrived at the stadium and sends Alex and Pattie to fetch it from him.

In another bit of bizarre strategy, Turbo Teen barrel rolls upside down so that the non-Rusty dogs climb on and begin chewing his tires so that when he spins the wheels sending them flying. They land in a literal dog pile where the waiting professor cures them with the anti-doggie devolution antidote that he normally brings with him to high school football games.

Rusty runs off, Turbo Teen speeds after him, and Dark Rider arrives to pick up the rear. The pursuit leads into a nearby hotel with hallways big enough to fit a monster truck. Up a spiral staircase and onto the roof where Rusty is brought down by Alex tossing a heavy blanket on him.

Dark Rider and Turbo square off in a one-on-one car battle. The roof jumping, billboard sign blasting game of cat and mouse ends with Turbo Teen falling off the roof of a skyscraper Kong style only to land on his wheels and drives off unscathed. Oh, come on now! Good grief.

Goo pouring faster… Feelin' woozy… Not sure if I'll make it… Might need emergency room…

More automotive gymnastics with Dark Rider occurs on ground level until they end up on a pier. Somehow Turbo Teen ends up behind Dark Rider. The monster truck drives straight off the pier into the water and keeps on going. After this whole knock down, drag out car chase, it ends with Dark Rider using his water wheels to float away. Wasn't he supposed to be chasing Brett and not vice versa anyways? Ugh!

Back at vet dad's clinic, everyone says thank you and goodbye, Monique apologizes for being French, Pattie deduces that since Dark Rider mixed the father's serum that must prove he's a scientist, and they admonish Brett over what a close call this one was. The end. Not even any bad puns to conclude this dog of an episode.

Aside from the bizarro dance sequence, this episode flat out stunk. Even by the obviously low standards of a mindless early 80s Saturday morning cartoon, this was one of the worst half hours of animated entertainment I've ever seen, and mind you I've seen episodes of Rubik The Amazing Cube, Dinosaucers, Pro Stars, and the Gary Coleman Show. Awful episode. Cancelled in 13 episodes, huh? No wonder. Damn you, Ruby-Spears! Damn you for not releasing a Turbo Teen boxset either!

But at least over the course of these two episodes a very important question I've joked about numerously in both the previous article and this one has finally been answered. We learned the true nature of Alex/Brett's relationship. A picture is worth a thousand words so I'll just leave you this month with a single image and allow you to draw your own conclusions.

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE CHASERS