"There is a herd of killer rabbits heading this way!"- As yelled by the panicky sheriff while warning patrons at the local drive-in theater in the all-time bad movie masterpiece NIGHT OF THE LEPUS

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE EXTREME OPS

Amazing how things work out. One day you post some suggestions on the NOWFF message board for future movies to be shown at the fest and the next thing you know the webmaster asks if you'd be interested in writing a regular column for the site. One day you post an amusing bad movie news blurb on a B-movie message board and the next thing you know you're being asked to report bad movies news for a new website. One day you send in a review of a bad movie to Ain't It Cool News and the next thing you know you're invited to continue to do so in the future because they got such a huge response requesting more. One day you send in a review of a horrible new monster movie that just came out on video to Creature Corner and the next thing you know you're their resident bad movie expert. One day you find out that NOWFF seems to have come to an end and the next thing you know you're looking to put together your own film festival. And here I am now with a new website, a new web column, and a new film festival just a few months away. I can't wait to find out what the next "One Day you" is. Hopefully the next "and the next thing you know" will be "and I actually got paid for it." Oh yeah, like that's ever gonna happen!

MACROCRYPTOZOOLOGY

THUNDER OF GIGANTIC SERPENT, never heard of it, huh? Chances are you haven't. It's a Hong Kong monster movie so obscure that there is no listing for it on IMDB and searching for it on Google will result in only about five or so websites and only one of those has any real info and its in German. I'd call that obscure.

From what little information I've been able to find, THUNDER OF GIGANTIC SERPENT was made in Hong Kong back in 1980, but for whatever reason it wasn't released until 1988. Or it was made in 1988 but just looks like it was made in 1980. The film's year of origin is still a matter of debate. As I said, this one is real obscure.

The name used by the director of THUNDER OF GIGANTIC SERPENT is actually an alias for veteran Hong Kong director Godfrey Ho, who is most notable for churning out cheap martial arts movies. Think of him as being to Hong Kong martial arts what Roger Corman is to low budget 50s sci-fi. Hard to imagine a guy who has made movies like ZOMBIE VS. NINJA would suddenly be too embarrassed to put his name on a movie about a giant snake. Seems the German title for the film is TERROR SERPENT, which is about as lame as simply calling it SCARY SNAKE. The copy of the movie I have is dubbed in English and features Greek subtitles. Part of me can't help but to wonder if THUNDER OF GIGANTIC SERPENT is even the original title.

THUNDER OF GIGANTIC SERPENT is actually three movies in one. Movie #1 is a dopey and often violent spy film about an evil terrorist out to steal this super formula that will help him take over the world and the only thing standing in his way is an American super agent.

Movie #2 is a combination Lassie/FREE WILLY-style "child with an animal for a best friend" family movie. Well, at least if that family was the Addams Family.

Somehow the creators of THUNDER OF GIGANTIC SERPENT managed to bring movies 1 & 2 together under the guise of Movie #3, which is essentially a Japanese monster movie.

So combine that absurdity with the horrendous English dubbing and the fact that the film really isn't very appropriate for children since it features numerous gun deaths and a few uses of the f-word and you have a really screwed up movie. Who was the target audience supposed to be for this? Maybe there's a reason the movie exists almost exclusively in obscurity?

THUNDER OF GIGANTIC SERPENT gets off to an auspicious start when the first scene following the opening credits is of a thunderstorm causing a massive snake-filled mudslide. This sequence has absolutely nothing to do with anything to come. After the brief bit of nonsense, we are introduced to the movie's main villain, Solomon, the leader of an unnamed terrorist organization. As we will come to learn, Solomon is a truly evil individual although you wouldn't know it be looking at him. He's looks like a poor man's version of the evil network executive from NO HOLDS BARRED and dresses like he shops at K-Mart. He doesn't exactly ooze evil. Solomon is getting in some target practice by shooting soda cans, another thing that doesn't exactly evoke menace, and orders his henchmen to retrieve "the formula" that will help him take over the world. Moments later he begins cackling like a madman. Too bad he doesn't have a mustache to twirl.

Cut to the bedroom of the movie's main human character, a young girl by the name of Tingting or Tintin depending on which poorly dubbed character was saying her name. For the sake of argument, let's just call her Tingting. She's sitting on her bed with a snake she's found and knitting it a bow while trying to decide on a name. She's considers but rejects Fluffy and Charlie before deciding on Mozlah or Mozzler. You can never quite tell. I'm just going to go with Mozlah. How she goes from Fluffy to Charlie to Mozlah is something I'd like to know. She asks the snake if it likes the name Mozlah and, I swear I'm not making this up, the snake leans up and nods it's head in approval. It takes the movie less than 5 minutes to leave you stupefied. Mom wants to know who she's talking to and freaks out upon seeing a snake in the house. Dad comes in, picks up the snake, and both father and daughter taunt mom for being afraid of snakes. As this review movie progresses you're going to come to notice what an obnoxious little brat Tingting is. At least this scene shows us what side of the family she gets it from.

Meanwhile at some laboratory, scientists are discussing "the formula." Unfortunately, at no point is any attempt to actually explain "the formula" made beyond telling us that it involves electrical voltage that can increase the size of plants and theoretically animals as well. The military general in the room is pleased with what he hears and advises the head scientist to "proceed with Thunder Project." The scientist who developed "the formula" is dismayed to learn this "Thunder Project" involves testing "the formula" on animals for possible military use. Despite his objections, the testing proceeds.

We finally get to see "the formula" and immediately begin to wonder why they refer to it as a formula when it's really nothing more than a Plexiglas fish tank with some electrodes inside it. The scientists place a tiny frog inside the tank and turn on "the formula" causing electrical flashes inside the clear box. Suddenly the frog glows blue and grows to the size of a small dog. The scientists celebrate. Personally, I wouldn't mind if the movie had been about a gigantic frog instead of a giant snake, but oh well.

I should mention that all the military types dress in camouflage fatigues and wear these really snazzy red berets. Too bad they didn't pack body armor because Solomon's heavily armed goon squad drives up and begins gunning down everyone wearing a snazzy red beret. Everyone in this movie has the most overly theatrical death. You almost never see any bullet holes or blood but people get shot and suddenly have some super seizure before falling dead or perform some sort of overly exaggerated flip that defies the laws of physics. I mean, one guy gets shot in the chest with a machine gun and ends up doing a forward flip with a couple extra rotations into a swimming pool. The scientists hear the gunshots and are smart enough to know it's not a good sign. The head scientist orders another to destroy all the data regarding "the formula" and then they snatch the box and take off under armed guard.

Well, not for long as everyone gets shot dead except for this one female lab assistant who takes the box, hops into a car, and speeds off. Suddenly we have a hillside car chase straight out of an early 70s cop show. She tosses the box out the window and ditches the car moments later. Good thing she did too because the car explodes even before it crashes over the side of the cliff! We then get to thrill to the sight of this flaming car sliding down the hill in slow motion. The goon squad pulls up and decides to go down and sift through the wreckage because they're sure "the formula" is fireproof. They don't even know what it looks like but they're positive it's fireproof? Ugh.

We next see Solomon on the phone being informed of the goon squad's failure to locate "the formula" and isn't happy. He snarls. However, Solomon isn't giving up hope because he's "got faith" in his #1 henchman, Billy. So we have the evil terrorist mastermind named Solomon and his right hand man named Billy. Who will stop such evil?

That answer will come later but first we get to enjoy the popular Hong Kong children's pastime of downhill track skating. To be more specific,kids are wearing these skates that look like they have tank treads and are skiing down a grassy hill using ski poles. This is one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen. Tingting is racing against the two boys and comes in last leading to some teasing. Apparently these two boys are members of the Hong Kong Little Rascals because they then tell Tingting that they're going to their clubhouse and she can't come because she's a girl. An unhappy Tingting runs home but along the way finds the case carrying "the formula" in some bushes along the side of the road. She quickly snatches it up and takes it home.

After briefly being shown the female lab assistant being admitted to the emergency room, we're introduced to the only man who can truly stop those evil terrorists - Ted Fast! He's this young, Eric Douglas look-a-like dressed like the other military types except he prefers to keep his snazzy red beret clipped to his belt. Ted Fast is some sort of special operative who has been brought in to deal with the terrorists.

But enough of that subplot because it's back to Ting Ting's bedroom so we can see her put Mozlah in his brand new tank. She turns around to begin working on her homework and those electrodes begin glowing again. The Mozlah begins glowing, then glowing, and then the snake springs out of the tank having grown to at least about 15-20 feet in length. Now the snake really is brought to life through obvious puppetry. Tingting is startled and begin questioning Mozlah as to what happened and the snake either shakes its head or nods in agreement depending on the question. She panics knowing that she can't keep a snake that big in the house without her parents finding out and so she decides to hide him out in the shed, which from the looks of things is actually a mini-warehouse. So how does she lead the snake to the shed? By tying a long sheet around it like a leash and dragging the poor thing into the building like a dog that doesn't want to go for a walk! I should also mention that you never really get a full head to tail look at Mozlah. It's almost always either the head or tail portions of the snake sticking out from behind something. Like I said, it's a puppet.

Meanwhile, we're introduced to Detective Chow of the city police who wants in on the case but the military types won't let him. They don't want city cops mucking up their terrorist hunt. Once again, a scene is begun but it cuts away before it has a chance to develop a point. Now we're in an apartment where Solomon and Billy have the following conversation that I will transcribe for you now.

SOLOMON: Think of the possibilities! (Dramatic Pause) All of the underdeveloped countries will beg me for help! I can even have my own army. (Cackle)

BILLY: Boss, they sent a special agent to deal with us.

SOLOMON: Who the hell is the guy?

BILLY: His name is Ted Fast. (Pause) He's a highly trained specialist. (Pause) And he always works alone.

SOLOMON: He must be pretty good then.

I don't know if the absurdity of this dialogue truly comes through in print but if you heard them say it in their poorly dubbed voices then you'd certainly be howling with laughter the moment Solomon utters that last line. You know what? I work alone. That means I'm good!

With that said, it's back to the popular children's sport of downhill, ski pole, tank tread skating or whatever the hell you want to call it. Tingting is losing again as Mozlah, peeking from out behind a large rock, looks on. Mozlah can't let his owner lose to those pint sized misogynists so he swats her on the fanny causing her to speed up and overtake the guys and win. That was quite an accomplishment on Mozlah's part seeing as how he was probably 50 yards away. She celebrates. Mozlah celebrates. The unhappy boys blow her off again and skulk off. Tingting decides to swear of men and humankind in general vowing that Mozlah will now be her one and only friend. This girl has got some serious issues.

In case I haven't mentioned it yet, Mozlah doesn't hiss but instead makes this odd screeching sound that sounds more like something that would be made by a large tropical bird and not a snake.

What happens now is one of those moments where you're almost in disbelief of what you're seeing. She and Mozlah head down to the beach and being to frolic. She catches some fish to feed to him. Suddenly Tingting has a beach ball and she and Mozlah bounce it back and forth with their heads. It's like a scene from Lassie but on crack. The music during all this sounds like it came from a late 70's PBS kids show. God, this music, it make me want to start frolicking. Suddenly, they go from the beach to some abandoned shack. There's also some Asian guy dressed like Sonny Crockett spying on them from the bushes. Inside this shack, she feeds Mozlah fruit by tossing it at him from across the room. Do snakes even eat fruit? Now the two of them are playing hide and seek around the shack. Not exactly too many places to hide here. At one point the snake looks like it's trying to make a break for it and when she spies him it turns and gives this look that almost appears as if it's thinking, "Damn! I can't get away from this girl!" Seriously, this Tingting girl is awfully clingy. Out of nowhere, the skies turn black and it thunders. Lightning flashes. Mozlah appears to wrap part of himself around Tingting and drags her into the shack. Lightning strikes a tree causing it to topple over onto the shack, which instantly bursts into flames. Tingting screams for help as flames surround her. Next thing you know, you're seeing the exterior of a model shack on fire. Suddenly, a whole erupts in it's side and you briefly see this plastic looking snake wrapped around a female action figure pop out and literally fly straight into the air to safety. WTF?!?!

Before you have a chance to truly digest what you've just seen, the movie jumps to some nightclub where the Sonny Crockett guy is meeting with Billy and a group of henchmen telling them about the girl and the big snake. He's come to the conclusion that the snake must be tied to the formula somehow and that little girl must possess it. You have to give the movie credit. It's utterly absurd but at least it doesn't give you time to comprehend anything because it's already moving along to the next scene.

Speaking of the next scene, Ted Fast is wandering about walking under a bridge somewhere. On the bridge, a van pulls up being driven by two terrorist goons who look a lot like Hall & Oates. Well, if Hall had a mustache, but still, they look like Hall & Oates. They spot Ted Fast despite the fact that up until this point we were given no indication that Solomon even knew what he looked like and immediately a gun battle breaks out. I guess they were just looking for a white guy in fatigues not wearing a snazzy red beret. Ted Fast has this unique combat style where he tumbles around a lot on the ground and tosses in a bit of kung fu too before gunning down the bad guys. It works to because he successfully kills Hall & Oates and comes away unscathed.

The female lab assistant is awake and being quizzed by the military guys about the location of the formula. She keeps telling them where she ditched and the keep telling her they didn't find anything. In fact, just to drive this point home, we're shown the military inspecting the area. And the Sonny Crockett dress-a-like guy is once again spying on them from the bushes. He then runs home to tell Solomon that even the military can't find the formula meaning it's still out there somewhere. Solomon is also now pissed off with some woman named Lynn who double-crossed him. He mutters something about how finding Lynn will lead to finding "the formula." Oh, and he orders another henchman to go find more henchmen to take out Ted Fast.

We now come to learn that Lynn is in fact that female lab assistant. Detective Chow and his partner show up at the hospital to speak to Lynn and we actually repeat the same exact scene she just had with the military. Ugh. The military guys are off somewhere discussing the current situation when one of them suggests that the general send some of them to help Ted Fast. The general refuses telling him that Ted Fast works best by himself. I guess someone else might limit his tumbling room while dodging gunfire.

Speak of the devil, Ted Fast is casually wandering along a hillside somewhere just outside the city when he gets ambushed by two casually dressed henchmen. Ted Fast - He doesn't find danger, danger finds him…at least whenever he's on a stroll! Bullets go flying and Ted goes tumbling. Tumblin' Ted ducks behind a rock and shots one of the goons in the chest causing the guy to do a double backwards somersault to hell. Then the other guy gets gunned down, in slow motion, and goes tumbling down the hill to his death, also in slow motion. Maybe if the bad guys would go after him more than two at a time they might actually manage succeed.

Lynn has been released from the hospital and arrives at her appointment to find Billy and three other heavily armed thugs waiting for her. Oh, okay. So four armed men will go after the unarmed woman just getting after the hospital but only two will be sent after the Special Forces agent. Billy quizzes her at gunpoint about the location of "the formula" but she just tells them the same thing she told everyone else. Like everyone else, they find this hard to believe. Billy removes his sunglasses in a manner that only someone truly evil could and this apparently is the unspoken signal for the other three to just start beating the crap out of her. Fortunately, Detective Chow and his partner just happen to show up to save the day. I wasn't aware that the Hong Kong police normally carried Uzi's but hey! Detective Chow also unveils his special method for winning gun battles. Sneak up behind a guy, get his attention, and shoot him the moment he turns around. Not exactly the most heroic way of taking out a bad guy if you ask me. Billy gets away. His cohorts don't.

She proceeds to bore the police inspectors (and the audience) for the next 5 minutes telling the sob story of how she came to be associated with the evil Solomon. In a nutshell, she was in Harvard, parents killed in an accident, needed money desperately, met up with Solomon who offered to help her out but she didn't know who he really was, he put her through school but then set her up with the lab where "the formula" was being developed so that she could later steal it. Not only is this subplot completely unnecessary, it makes absolute zero sense. If she was in on it then why were his men trying to kill her and if she… Forget it. Not going to bother. Move on. Might as well since this is practically her last scene in the movie.

The general, who for some reason has chose this particular occasion to swap out his uniform and snazzy red beret for a business suit, is at Ting Ting's house questioning her parents about whether they found anything unusual in the area. Tingting overhears this conversation and realizes the jig is up. She runs back to her room, grabs "the formula," and sneaks out of the house. Tingting is running down the road with it (Man, it must not weigh much.) to dump it back where she found it when the Billy and the terrorists come driving along and spot her. The guy dressed like Sonny Crockett, who is no longer dressed like Sonny Crockett, identifies her as the girl he spied on and they give chase. Tingting just tosses the box into the bushes and escapes capture. A random nogoodnik picks up the tank and brings it back to Billy. Billy is displeased because it's just an empty box and that "the formula" should have been inside the box. He concludes that Tingting still has the formula. You'd think the bad guys would at least have some clue what they have been trying to steal. Then again, who the hell invents some electrified fish tank and calls it a formula? I swear there are moments in this movie that just make you want to bang your head against the wall really hard.

Back at home, mom and dad head out into the shed looking for Tingting and discover Mozlah. Needless to say they are not happy about having coming across an enormous snake. Dad tries hitting it with a board but Tingting comes running in and stands between him and her snake while pleading with him. She orders Mozlah to get out of there and the snake obliges. The terrorists show up just in time to see the huge snake fleeing and decide now would be a good time to commit some terrorism. First they beat the snot out of dad and then Ting Ting gets grabbed. But wait, because along comes Mozlah and its time for some tail fu. Several terrorists get slapped with its tail and go flying into some boxes or shelves or whatever there is for them to crash into or onto. The others open fire but apparently the snake is now bulletproof too. More tail fu. Billy snatches Tingting and the terrorists run for it. Mozlah gives chase.

But wait, the terrorists have actually set up a trap for the snake because apparently they are psychic and expected it to chase them. What is the trap? Why they've set up a few metal stakes in the ground in a rectangular shape with metallic wires attached so that Mozlah will slither right into the center and get electrocuted. I guess just shooting it wouldn't have been convoluted enough. Sure enough, Mozlah falls into the trap and gets electrocuted. Unfortunately, this doesn't kill the snake but causes it to glow blue and grow to gargantuan proportions instead. Wait, does this mean that electricity itself is the formula or…never mind. Oh, Mozlah's roar now sounds a lot like an elephant's. The terrorists look on in shock. Mozlah does some super-sized tail fuon a couple of hapless henchmen. Ting Ting hops on his tail and he lifts her up onto his head. There she taunts the terrorists and rides away on Mozlah like he was a horse. It's almost like a scene out of THE NEVERENDING STORY. Actually, in a way this movie is "the never-ending story" if you catch my drift.

Billy and the henchmen run back to the van and phone Solomon of what has happened. Mozlah is now out in the woods behind Ting Ting's house and he appears to have grown even bigger because now he's Godzilla-sized. Solomon apparently had a back-up plan in case a gigantic snake showed up and has dispatched a fighter plane to attack and kill it. What follows is one of the silliest battle scenes I've ever witnessed. The attack plane is actually a Cessna that appears to shoot lasers out of invisible turrets because they didn't bother to add any to the model. Either that or it shoots the same kind of ammo used on the GI Joe cartoon because every time it fires you see a red flash fly across the screen. So here's this giant snake puppet battling this obvious toy model of a Cessna. In the end, Mozlah whacks it with his tail destroying it.

Billy and his goons once again barge into Ting Ting's house demanding the formula. Within a matter of seconds, they're once again beating the crap out of dad. That poor man! Ting Ting screams for Mozlah's help and like Lassie, Mozlah receives and obeys. Mozlah's tail smashes the front windows of the house. Billy snatches Ting Ting and he and the boys make a break for the van and get away. As they're driving away, Billy orders them to stop. Billy grabs Ting Ting, hops out of the van, carjacks a nearby parked car, and drives off. The police have been notified of the situation, declared an Amber Alert, and instantly set up roadblocks all over the place. The terrorists in the van head for one of the roadblocks but quickly slams on the breaks and peels off in another direction. Yeah, that won't arouse suspicion. The cops take off after the van and what looks like a chase scene from Starsky & Hutch breaks out. Chase scenes over and now it's a gun battle like…uh…out of…uh…Starsky & Hutch. Once again, everyone who dies does so in a most overly dramatic way. Once again, Detective Chow utilizes his special method of winning a gun battle to take out the last of the no-name terrorist goons.

Billy is speeding towards the city while Ting Ting yells for Mozlah to save her and, despite being miles away, he hears her and takes off into the nearby river to give chase. Meanwhile, Ted Fast is back in his office making a phone call. He calls up the general and tells him to break out the army because a giant snake is on the loose. How did he find this out from being back in his office? He really is good.

Another difference between Mozlah and Lassie is that Lassie never indiscriminately killed lots of innocent people and destroyed tons of infrastructures in her pursuits to save Timmy. First casualty - a bridge and everyone on it. Second casualty - a train bridge right as a passenger train is passing along it. The military is on the scene but are dumbfounded as to what to do. Third casualty - a dam is destroyed and from the looks of things, tens of thousands in Hong Kong are killed in the ensuing flood. It suddenly turned into an Irwin Allen film. In fact, this looks like footage from another movie. I'm not sure, but this might actually be stock footage from a 70s Toho disaster movie called DEATHQUAKE but I'm not 100%.

Detective Chow is quizzing Lynn as to Solomon's location. She doesn't know and claims the reason nobody has ever been able to get him is because he's always on the move. She says the only one who would know is Billy. The military stand around this table featuring a nifty model mock-up of the city and formulate a plan for dealing with the gigantic serpent. They've already begun a full-scale evacuation of the city. Wait, wasn't part of it just submerged?

Back out to some country road where abandoned cars are line-up. Who should come strolling by but Ted Fast! He casually walks up to the only other guy on the street who he recognizes as one of Solomon's men, casually introduces himself, and the next thing you know a kung fu fight breaks out. Ted beats the hell out of the guy and then drags him away while demanding to know Solomon's whereabouts.

Back in the city, we're shown this one really tall building and it turns out that this is where Billy has taken Ting Ting while he… Actually, they don't bother to tell us why he took her there specifically. Ting Ting continues screaming for Mozlah to save her. I swear I would have shot her by now myself. I guess she and Mozlah have some sort of psychic connection because the snake surfaces from underwater and enters the "West District" of the city. Now we're in Godzilla territory as things explode and people run for their lives while this snake makes its way through the city to rescue its human master. To be perfectly honest, the effects here are actually rather decent. Even though Mozlah is an obvious puppet, it's still a more realistic looking puppet than Reptilicus or Manda were. In fact, the footage of Mozlah in the city is very reminiscent of Reptilicus only with more traditional Toho-style effects. This really is a movie made in the 80s with effects that look straight out of the 60s.

Billy sees a news report about the giant snake heading in his direction but doesn't care because he's convinced the military will kill it first. Ting Ting finally gets on his nerves to the point that he slaps the hell out of her. I know I shouldn't be cheering a grown man smacking around a small girl but God this girl is annoying!

Meanwhile, Ted Fast is back in his office sitting at his desk (ARGH!) and calls Inspector Chow to inform him that Billy has Ting Ting held hostage in the Starlight Building. I…I'm just not even going to bother to ask how he knew this or how he got back to his desk so fast. Nope, I'm not going to do it. I'm also not going to ask how Inspector Chow magically teleported to the Starlight Building since he gets there in a matter of mere moments. The building is currently being evacuated and the people running down the stairwell are making it hard for him to run up it.

I can only assume that the budget didn't allow for toy tanks because the split-second shots of tanks firing at Mozlah appear to have been done using a close-up still picture of a single tank repeated over and over. Upon further inspection, it may not actually be a tank but actually a still picture of a tank with an explosion effect added to the barrel of the gun turrent. Geez, this really must be a low budget movie. Guess they blew the budget on all those snazzy red berets.

Now Billy is panicking as Ting Ting continues her never-ending screaming of the name Mozlah. Ugh. Shoot her already. He demands to know the formula once again as the snake climbs the building and encircles it in a serpentine-like grasp. I'm not really sure what Mozlah's plan was here because there really isn't anything it can do to this building without most likely killing Ting Ting in the process. The military orders air strikes on the snake just as Ting Ting's parents show up with Inspector Chow's partner telling them who is still in the building but it's too late. Billy is about to do the world a favor and silence this annoying little girl once and for all when Inspector Chow barges in. A lame gun battle ensues. Surprisingly, Billy gets the drop on the Inspector but Ting Ting picks up another pistol off the floor and puts it to Billy's back long enough to distract him allowing Chow to shoot him dead. Either rigamortis set in instantly upon being shot or Billy chose to die while dancing "the robot." Chow grabs Ting Ting and now it's a mad dash to get out of the building before the jet attack. Once again, she starts screaming Mozlah's name.

Here come the fighter jets and thank God they actually look like fighter jets. As a matter of fact, if I didn't know any better I'd say some of the close-ups of the jets firing missiles were taken from GODZILLA 1985. For some reason, whenever Mozlah takes a direct hit, it glows that blue glow as if it was going to start growing again. Chow is piggybacking Ting Ting, who won't stop screaming about Mozlah's safety. Seriously, dump the little brat and save yourself! As they make it out of the building and get a look at the KING KONG-like battle happening on this building, she keeps begging the Inspector to make them stop. For whatever reason, one of these Chinese pilots decided to go all kamikaze and rams his jet right into Mozlah's head causing a huge explosion the decimates the top of the building and sends Mozlah's corpse crashing to the ground.

Ting Ting runs over to Mozlah's corpse and goes into full Susan Lucci overdrive begging it not to die. She continues being in denial and begs mom, dad, the military, the Inspector, or somebody, anybody to save Mozlah. Then reality sets in and Ting Ting throws a temper tantrum the likes of which the world has never seen as she blames all of them for conspiring to kill her beloved Mozlah. I told you at the beginning of this that she was nothing but an obnoxious little brat. Finally, she collapses into her mother's arms crying hysterically. Detective Chow turns around and begins lecturing the General about the dangers of such scientific experiments and that they should "trust their local constables." Say what? So the message of the movie is that man shouldn't tamper with nature and the military should get along better with the local police? Good grief! The General kinda blows off Chow's sermon so the Inspector knocks the living daylights out of him.

"General, that's for the innocent lives," so says Inspector Chow after punching him.

But the movie isn't over because there's still one last issue to resolve. Ted Fast is wandering around a parking lot. More importantly, he's now wearing his snazzy red beret. However, something is just a bit off because his snazzy red beret looks more like a snazzy red baker's hat. How very odd. Solomon is getting into his car when Ted Fast confronts him. They pull their guns on each other and have a Mexican standoff. Fast even tells Solomon to "make his day." So of course they drop their guns and have a kung fu battle and Ted Fast basically proceeds to beat the hell out of Solomon. I should mention that right now Solomon looks like he's wearing the uniform for working at some fast food seafood restaurant. Lordy, this is a loony movie. Solomon, being the sneaky bastard he is, snatches one of the guns off the ground and is about to kill our hero when the quick thinking Ted Fast flings his snazzy red beret at him like it's a ninja star or something knocking the gun out of his hand. So is the hat weighted down or something? Ted picks up his gun and shoots Solomon right through the heart. Solomon falls dead; Ted Fast kicks his snazzy red beret into the air and catches it, turns, and walks away. He takes about two steps and the movie awkwardly jump cuts to a red title card stating that this is THE END.

What the hell was that? That was THUNDER OF GIGANTIC SERPENT, one hour and 26 minutes of unadulterated insanity. It's a shame the movie is so obscure because it's so astoundingly cheesy that it would be guaranteed a cult following just based on its absurdity alone. If you ever get a chance to experience this rare and hard-to-find movie then I suggest you do so because if you think that GODZILLA VS. MEGALON or GAMERA VS. GUIRON are ridiculous then you haven't seen anything yet. Really, this one is in a class all it's own.

But we're not done yet!

Also from Hong Kong sometime around 1983 comes THE FAIRY & THE DEVIL. Don't ask me to describe the plot because I'll be damned if I know exactly what is going on because the film is neither dubbed nor subbed. I can tell you this much. The flick is set during China's medieval period as I call it s and involves a heroic warrior who may be a Chinese god (I'm not completely sure.) battling and evil wizard who seems to be a demon of some kind. Like I said, its virtually impossible to decipher what's actually going on because there are no subtitles and Lord knows Chinese mythology can be pretty wacked out as it is. THE FAIRY & THE DEVIL would appear to be sort of a Chinese variation of CLASH OF THE TITANS.

If only the entire movie was as lively as its opening sequence then I don't think anyone would care if it was subtitled or not. As the film opens, a giant demon-like monster is ravaging a stronghold of some sort. The film's hero is watching from the ground and decides to intervene by whipping out a little doll of a white monkey. He hurls it into the air in the direction of the demon monster and it transforms into a huge, silly looking, white ape monster. The two behemoths engage in mortal combat including the ape breaking out some kaiju-sized mad monkey kung fu. Unfortunately, the ape proves no match for the demon and is quickly destroyed.

Now unless I'm mistaken, the hero then leaps into the air and magically transforms into a dragon. Well, he actually transforms into a marionette of a Chinese dragon. Even Reptilicus, another monstrous marionette, looked more convincing than this thing. However, dragons in Chinese mythology are said to be supremely powerful and the string puppet soon vanquishes the demon.

As the film progresses, there are sword fights and brief kung fu battles added in between the monster stuff but none of the monster stuff ever reaches the level of the film's opening maelstrom.

Later in the film, the hero is in a sword battle when he and his adversary both leap into the air and transform into Chinese dragons. They very briefly engage in an aerial battle that looks more like the strings of the two dragon marionettes have accidentally gotten entwined with one another than anything actually resembling a fight scene.

Personally, my favorite monster in the film is the giant, cat-faced gill-man that the hero encounters while boating on a lake. The gill-monster seems to almost pout and throw tantrums as the hero taunts it with his flying sword before killing it. When it dies, it turns to stone and crumbles into the water just like the Kraken did at the end of CLASH OF THE TITANS. However, this monster may be dead physically but its spirit lives on as it causes a tidal wave later in the film.

And then there's one other giant monster that shows up late in the movie. As you can see from the picture, it really is a silly looking, googily-eyed beastie. What it is, I don't know. What it's objective was, I also don't know. The monster magically appears in the center of a village, begins stomping about, and then along comes our hero and a comical battle breaks out. Yeah, this whole scene appears to have been played for laughs. Just look no further than when the hero launches his flying sword into the creature's ass causing it to leap into the air and basically react like one of the Three Stooges. And then he kills it.

Before it's all over, the hero destroys the evil wizard/demon, who for the final battle transforms himself into a huge, flying Halloween mask (And a cheap looking one to boot!) that shoots lasers from its eyes. Finally, he bids his mortal allies goodbye, leaps into the air, transforms into the dragon marionette, and flaps around in the breeze while fireworks go off around him.

And no, your ears do not deceive you that really was the STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE theme music playing during the opening and closing credits of THE FAIRY & THE DEVIL. I don't exactly how the legalities worked out but quite a few Hong Kong movies from this era up until the early 90s would often recycle the scores to Hollywood blockbusters. For example, if you ever see the non-Americanized version of Jackie Chan's SUPERCOP, during the scene where he hangs from the helicopter's rope ladder you'll distinctly recognize Danny Elfman's BATMAN theme. Seeing this dragon marionette on-screen while hearing the STAR TREK score play makes this one worth tracking down just for that.

Speaking of incomprehensible giant monster movies, let's take a couple of moments to speak of the obscure Japanese monster movie entitled THE WRATH OF YAMATA OROCHI - THE EIGHT-HEADED SNAKE. Boy, that's a mouthful but then the Japanese traditionally like their giant monster movies to have impossibly long titles. This one comes to us from mid-80s Japan and once again there isn't a whole lot I can tell you about it because it is neither subbed nor dubbed. It was produced by a company called Daicon whose movies were of such low budget they were often considered amateur. Well, if that's the case here then they deserve points just for sheer ambition. It's obviously a movie with a very low budget but it still looks vastly superior to dreck like ZARKORR! THE INVADER or KRAA! THE SEA MONSTER.

From what I could decipher, there are these evil aliens who look like frogmen dressed up for a children's birthday party with a Harry Potter theme. They kidnap a woman and psychically link her to this giant, multi-headed snake named Orochi. The monster awakens from inside a mountain and proceeds to wreak havoc while the woman seemingly tries to figure out how she can make it stop. Meanwhile, the incompetent military attempts to destroy the monster but mostly fail in what I guess was supposed to be a comical manner.

In case I haven't mentioned it, the movie was intended to be a spoof of daikaiju movies. Unfortunately, it doesn't come across all that funny. Maybe if there were subtitles or dubbing it would work. The film's biggest problem as it turns out is the monster itself as it is a conceptual train wreck. The whole thing is pretty much one color and just look at how wide it is. It really doesn't look like a snake. It looks like an enormous mound of rubber with a bunch of heads. It's ugly and not in a good monstrous way. Even though the picture of it you see isn't of the best of quality, I assure you're not missing much. The monster is crap and the movie appears to be so as well.

Finally, let's talk about REPTILICUS. Yeah, I know, everyone has seen REPTILICUS. However, have you ever seen the original Dutch version of the movie, the one with the flying scenes that were edited out of the American version? There's a very good reason why those scenes were cut from the American version. It's clearly a string puppet flying around cardboard cut outs of building all shot in silhouette so as to try and disguise the sheer cheapness of these scenes. Only total darkness could obscure the cheapness of these effects.

Not only were we deprived of the flying scenes but the American print of the movie also had the musical number removed. You heard me right! There's a musical number in the original Dutch version of REPTILICUS. The guy who yells "Da monster is loooooose!" also has a brief musical number where he sings (in Dutch) what I believe is a song about the legend of Reptilicus to a group of kindergarten age children. Take a look at those pics. Would you want that man singing to your kids? Would you want that man near your kids? I think not.

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY