"He had the courage! He had the power!...deep down inside where you keep your guts!" - From an ad for IRON EAGLE

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY & I PAID TO SEE KULL THE CONQUEROR

Man, has this been a strange summer movie season or what? People often complain that summer movies are too stupid and totally lacking in plot, depth, and character development. Along comes MATRIX: RELOADED and THE HULK, two movies that whether you loved or hated them you had to give them credit for at least trying and yet they seem to have become pretty much the two most universally scorned by the movie-going public. Why? For being too boring or too talky and not having enough action. Then there's the strange case of CHARLIE'S ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE. Despite being pimped to death on every major entertainment show, the movie is a resounding flop and may not even break $100 million domestically. Here's a movie that's on the exact opposite spectrum of HULK and MATRIX and yet the movie-going public doesn't want it either? So just what exactly does the movie-going public want? Damned if I know. Just no pleasing some people I guess? Or maybe people are just starting to reject the blockbuster movie mentality. All I know is that there must be a lot of nervous studio execs in Hollywood today.

SWORD & SCHLOCKERY

I've actually had the DVD screener for this movie since April. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to do a write-up sooner because we were still in the process of setting up the new website and because we don't have the means yet of grabbing still captures from a DVD. So I had to wait for the VHS to arrive in video stores on June 24th. I decided to make this the subject of my first FOYEURISM column but unfortunately there wasn't a single video store here on the Mississippi Gulf Coast that got the movie in, at least none that I could find. Not even Blockbuster got it! That is just mind blowing when you consider some the fact that Roger Corman's New Concorde Company distributed the movie. Did sales on RAPTOR burn Blockbuster that bad that they didn't want anything to do with this? Heck, this is a low budget movie but it's not a no budget movie and Blockbuster of late has a slew of no budget movies littering their store shelves. So we had to resort to Plan C - use a digital camera to take pics directly off the TV screen. Surprisingly, you really can't tell that much other than the color not being as sharp as it probably should be and a few annoying lines that appear in some pics. So better late than never, here's my review of the best bad movie I've seen in ages.

BARBARIAN opens as many movies of the sword and sorcery genre open - with a voiceover prologue. In this case, we see an evil army slaughtering innocent villagers while an anonymous voice tells us of how this once great land has been overtaken by evil. Fortunately, there's a prophecy (Isn't there always?) about a hero who will come save everyone. And there he is all shirtless and oiled up, Michael O'Hearn, standing on a scenic hillside practicing his swordplay as the film jumps to our opening credits sequence. He's giving off a serious John Allen Nelson spliced with Kevin Sorbo vibe. Judging from these few moments of sword practice, O'Hearn appears to be more adept with a sword than The Rock was in THE SCORPION KING.

So after several minutes of opening credits and hot oil sword practice, the actual movie gets going as a busty maiden has been tied to a rock by some insidious bandits who appear to be planning to rape her. Also tied to a tree nearby is what appears to be a kid in a homemade Ewok costume. The barbarian shows up and proceeds to kill all the bandits, including a wicked arrow through two guys' heads at once shot. Before freeing the maiden he frees the Ewok. After getting a better look at this thing, I damn near do a spit take. I can't decide if I think it looks more like a Cowardly Lion costume from a children's production of THE WIZARD OF OZ or if it really is somebody's leftover homemade Ewok costume. Who the hell approved that costume for the film? Whoever or whatever it is speaks with a voice that sounds more appropriate to a Muppet. Whatever it's supposed to be was traveling with the busty maiden and got captured right along with her. Presumably to not also be raped or so I'd hope.

Upon being freed, the creature begs the barbarian not to hurt "the lady" and tells him that he is now the barbarian's servant. The barbarian blows him off by ordering it to go fetch him some water and the silly looking creature then runs off into the woods, presumably to fetch some water, a task that apparently takes hours at a time in a forest because we won't be seeing it again for awhile. The barbarian now begins staring at the still bound maiden as if he's thinking about having his way with her himself. She reacts with a look of total disgust so he just frees her and begins to walk away. As he walks away, she gets this seductive look on her face and strips naked. Say what? I see that not only is the movie a fantasy, it's a male fantasy as well because the next thing you know the two are rolling around on the ground playing "Hide the Scroll," if you know what I mean. One thing's for certain, she ain't no "lady." I might as well also mention that when she dropped her top we come to find out that she wasn't nearly the busty maiden we thought she was.

Next thing you know, this woman who looks to me like the lovechild of Edward Scissorhands and comedienne Rita Rudner is shown looking into her black cauldron and repeatedly chanting the name Kane. Kane is the barbarian's name and next thing you know he's standing next to her. He has a confused look on his face, or that could just Michael O'Hearn's usual expression, as she orders him to look into her cauldron. "Look Kane into my cauldron. The story you are about to hear is true." I was so hoping she would add "The names have been changed to protect the innocent" but it wasn't to be.

She begins telling him of the 3 Sacred Elements given to mankind by God ages ago and they are:

The Amulet of Life - Rekindles faith and hope in human nature. What exactly that means and how exactly a gem does this is not explained.

The Sword of Justice - Used to defeat all evildoers. Evildoers, huh? Somebody should get this sword to President Bush. Frankly, I don't know what is so special about it because it looks like a generic sword to me.

The Chalice of Magic - A goblet that can summon spiritual aid against the powers of darkness. It's this skull shaped drinking cup that looks like something you'd buy at Spencer's Gifts for about $7.

Oh, if only they had the Breastplate of Righteousness then the barbarian could transform into Bibleman!

Unfortunately, these 3 Elements can be turned evil depending on the nature of the person using them, which is exactly what some evil lords did long ago to conquer the lands. However, a group of good warriors gave their lives to reclaim the 3 Elements and hid them somewhere within the earth so no one could ever possess them again. This is all shown via flashbacks in her cauldron and it looks like they used stock footage from an entirely different movie to put these scenes together. Alas, they must not have hid them well enough because the evil Lord Munkar found the Chalice of Magic (Or he just went to Spencer's Gifts) and used it to raise a "dark army" and is now seeking the other 2 Elements so that he can claim supreme power over the kingdoms. King Kandor, who actually looks like a living breathing version of King Friday from Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, is the only one left to oppose Munkar and stop him from conquering all the lands but he is outmatched by Munkar's magic. Also, Munkar has kidnapped the beautiful Princess Gretchen, who is the only person who knows the location of the Amulet of Life.

How does she know this? For that matter, how did Munkar find the Chalice? I thought they were all dumped in the earth never to be found again?

The witch then tells Kane that he is the prophesized one who must defeat Munkar, retrieve the 3 Elements, and restore order to the lands. First he'll need to retrieve the Sword of Justice, which is located within some ruins up in the mountains. Okay, how does she know this? Man, those guys who gave their lives to hide those things really did a half ass job.

Suddenly, Kane wakes up. It was all a dream. Or was it? Regardless, he ditches his one night stand and sets off on his dream inspired trek to the mountains in search of the other 2 Elements all the while accompanied by his new personal assistant, Little Bigfoot. Hearing the walking furball speak during these scenes makes me realize that it really does sound like Snarf from Thundercats only if Snarf was really, reeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaally gay.

So they arrive at these ruins and are immediately ambushed by some of Munkar's soldiers who just happened to be there. The medieval Ewok uses his trusty slingshot to annoy the soldiers not getting the snot kicked out of them by Kane. Just as the outnumbered Kane is about to get his ass handed to him, from out of nowhere, Obi Wan Kenobi arrives! My mistake. It's just a girl dressed as Obi Wan Kenobi. Together, Kane and Mrs. Kenobi defeat the soldiers while this big ugly ogre creature hides behind a corner spying on it all.

Introducing Gilda, the last of the Amazons! Her tribe has kept the Sword of Justice safe for the last 50 years…up in the ruins…in the mountains…where Amazons typically dwell, I suppose. It seems the Sword can be found in a cave called the Cave of Lost Echo. The ogre warrior follows them as they trek to this Cave of Lost Echo. In case I neglected to mention it, Gilda is helping because she too has had a dream with the witch telling her of Kane and the prophecy. That old hag sure gets around.

We're now off to Munkar's castle where we finally get a good look at our villain and what a sight to behold he is. And who plays the epitome of all evil and potential conqueror of humanity? None other than Martin Kove, AKA the Kobra Kai's evilcoach in THE KARATE KID. And he doesn't look like a warlock I've ever seen before. He has a mullet, muttonchops, a soul patch, wears black nail polish, and, depending on the scene, either dresses like a Renaissance fair employee or Ming the Merciless. Truth be told, he looks more like a coked-out, 70's record executive than an evil warlock seeking ultimate power.

Munkar is grilling Princess Gretchen on the location of the Amulet and by grilling I mean he has her dressed in a black leather bikini and tied to a table as while he "power gropes" her while quizzing her to the Amulet's location. Nothing comes of this scene other than Martin Kove getting to paw a hot blonde. Hell, it was probably a clause he had put in his contract. I'll say this for Martin Kove. He's definitely having the time of his life in this flick, as his performance is almost downright giddy at times. I suspect he may also possession of the 4th Element - the Bong of Bliss.

A lovely young blonde who bares a striking resemblance to actress Monica Potter portrays Princess Gretchen. However, an Eastern European actor plays her, like virtually everyone in this movie who isn't Kane or Munkar. This is another one of those movies that was probably made in scenic Bulgaria and the closing credits are a virtual who's who of last names containing Z's and V's and ending in O's. It makes me wonder if everyone other than Martin Kove and Michael O'Hearn had their voices dubbed in during post-production because while some of them have accents, none are thick as you would expect it to be.

And if I haven't mentioned Munkar's personal assistant in details yet it is probably because to do so would require me to make some seriously politically incorrect statements. I'm not exaggerating when I say this guy is the gayest thing I've ever seen. You'll see a picture of the white-faced, effeminate redhead soon enough and be able to draw your own conclusions.

Meanwhile, Kane and Gilda are walking through the woods when a roving gang of bandits that appear to be led by New Age musician Yanni confronts them. Kane, possessing the stereotypical jock mentality, tells Gilda to sit this one out why he shows off his fighting skills for her. But first, he feels compelled to rip off his shirt because God forbid he have even the slightest layer of protection covering his perfectly sculptured physique while in a life or death sword fight.

The sad thing is that this fight scene is actually better than any of the battles in THE SCORPION KING and they even toss in some pro wrestling holds to boot. In the middle of the battle, for no reason whatsoever, Kane just lets out this primal scream as if he was either trying to summon "the Power of Greyskull" or channel Bill Goldberg. I don't know what that was for but at least it sounded more intimidating than one of Reb Brown's patented girlie screams. Meanwhile, Gilda, the last of the noble race of Amazon warriors, watches Kane in action like a lovesick teenage girl watching her favorite boy band member performing a dance number. And just like a boy band member with a pretty, lovestruck teenage girl you just know he's going to use this to his sexual advantage.

Hey, where was Gay Snarf during all this?

Later that evening, the heroic trio makes camp and Kane and Gilda are staring at each other like, well, a lovestruck teenage girl and a boy band member. At least in this scene we come to learn that the animal creature's name is Wooby when Kane tosses a stick into the woods and tells Wooby fetch it. Wooby goes after the stick and apparently either Kane tossed it hundreds of miles or it takes as long to find a stick in the brush as it does to find water because he's gone for a long time. Kane and Gilda use this opportunity to engage in some Greco-Roman groin wrestling right there under a tree.

Hey, if Gilda is supposed to be an Amazon then shouldn't she have only one breast? More importantly, I hope Kane remembered to wear some protection otherwise Gilda may no longer be the last of her tribe.

The next day, Kane and Wooby head to the Cave of Lost Echo, why it was named so will forever remain an enigma, to find the Sword of Justice but Gilda isn't allowed to join them because of some rule in the Amazonian bylaws. Gilda must also be blind as a bat too because she apparently didn't see that big ogre creature follows our heroes into the cave. Either that or there is something in the Amazonian bylaws that says you can't warn your friends of a sneak attack.

Kane and Wooby eventually find themselves in this room inside the cavern with a water fountain in it. Kane is spies something in the water and begins smirking like an idiot. It's probably his reflection, that narcissistic pretty boy. The ogre comes up behind Wooby and KO's the bargain basement Ewok with a single blow to the head before proceeding to pound the tar out of Kane. This ogre looks like a costume that would win 2nd prize in the costume contest at a LORD OF THE RINGS fantasy convention. Wooby wouldn't even get an honorable mention.

Kane manages to fight off the monster long enough to reach into the water and grab the Sword of Justice. The enchanted blade immediately gives Kane the upper hand because, I guess, he now has the power of justice on his side. He slashes the monster a couple of times and the creature yells, "It burns! It burns! That sword can't protect you forever! I'll be back!" before running away. That was like a scene straight out of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers.

Again, did the Amazon warrior not see this hideous beast enter and exit the cave?

Our heroes three arrive at some nameless village where King Kandor is hiding out and request a meeting with his highness. They get their meeting and his royal highness tells them of the kidnapping of Princess Gretchen and how she knows where the Amulet is as if we don't already know that and babbles something to Kane about him gathering all the elements and becoming king. Kane is happy working in the private sector and rejects the notion of becoming royalty. The king suggests they rescue Princess Gretchen from Munkar's clutches and take with them this oaf named Zigrid who looks like Glen Zandig's California surfer dude kid brother. I take that back. He looks like WWE wrestler HHH but with black hair and a bit of Keanu Reeves' "Whoa!" factor. The king tells them Munkar is having some sort of fighting tournament and that's what they're going to use as a cover to sneak into his palace. The scene even ends with a STAR WARS rip-off as King Kandor says to Kane, "May the Elements guide you."

That's why this movie is so much cheesy fun so far. It was obviously written in a juvenile manner as if it was being targeted to kids yet it is loaded with sex, nudity, and bloodshed. God bless you, New Concorde! God bless you!

Well, we've been told repeatedly thus far in the film that Munkar's sorcery is powerful. Well, here's a taste of Munkar's magic as he recites a spell while standing before what appears to be a baptismal tub.

An evil deed with malice,
Offered drink from poison chalice,
Wind and rain and witch's brew,
Fearsome mixture,
Vampire's Tomb!

Hey, at least it rhymes. Sort of.

Upon completing the incantation, lightning shot from his hand causing a small explosion. No clue what the spell was for. The ogre shows up and apologizes to Munkar for failing to retrieve the Sword of Justice. It speaks of the Sword being too powerful for him so Munkar takes the monster's battle axe and recites another dopey rhyme which causes the axe to glow upgrading if from a +3 Battle Axe to a +6 Battle Axe.

Next thing you know, Kane and his group appear to be approaching Munkar's castle when they encounter members of the Dark Army and suddenly everyone begins yelling and then sword fighting. Suffice it to say the forces of good triumph. In fact, Kane has it out with that ogre creature whose new and improved battle-axe proves no match. Upon gutting the ogre with the Sword, Kane actually leans in and spits on the creature as it dies. Geez, the champion for all that is good and right in this world likes to spit on his defeated enemies. Oh, how lovely! Maybe when he kills Munkar he'll piss on him?

Unfortunately, Gilda and the midget Wookie get captured and dragged off to the castle. Wooby nails one of the guards with stiff kick to the groin and escapes. Actually, he runs around the corner but the guard can't find him but mere seconds later as the guard walks away Woody sticks his head around the corner. The guard must suffer from the same sort of sight problem that prevented Gilda from seeing the ogre entering the cave earlier. Wooby proceeds to wander through the castle for a few moments before being spotted by some guards. Fortunately, there is either a secret passageway in the palace made specifically for midgets or he came across some ancient air ducts as he begins climbing around on all fours Bruce Willis-style throughout the castle in these narrow passageways.

Meanwhile, Gilda is tossed into the chamber where Munkar's harem is kept. Seems these women spend most of the time in the room lying around looking stoned. Gilda attempts to rally the women but they aren't interested especially after the two lipstick lesbians who seem to be the head whores tell off Gilda.

Apparently having two of his closest allies taken captive doesn't prevent our introverted hero from getting a good night's sleep. However, on this particular evening, that witch is playing with his dreams again as well as Princess Gretchen's. Next thing you know, Kane and Gretchen are dressed like they're going to medieval costume ball and walking towards one another on a dreamy beachfront where they immediately embrace and begin making out. It's like something from the cover of a Harlequin romance novel. They both wake up grinning like idiots and the witch is clearly pleased too. So now the witch is playing matchmaker too, eh? Really, this witch needs to start minding her own business.

Back at Munkar's palace, a wild feast is being held to celebrate the start of tomorrow's gladiatorial meals. There appears to be a poor man's Cirque du Soleil performing but nobody is watching them. Why would you when there's female mud wrestling going on as well as a bevy of scantily clad dancers? Kane and Zigrid have made it in albeit in disguise. Kane is wearing a turban and wrap around his face much like Rudolph Valentino did. Zigrid just has this stupid looking helmet over his head that reminds me of the head of Doctor Bong, a villain from Howard The Duck's Marvel Comic of the early 80s.

Munkar's pale and fruity right hand man comes out and makes like Rod Roddy heralding the entrance of Lord Munkar, who himself comes bolting out from this dark corridor acting like a game show host making his big entrance at the start ofthe show even dancing a little jig on the tabletops as he makes his way to his throne. Munkar reminds everyone that the winner of the tournament will be granted immortality thanks to the magic of Munkar's "eternal ring." Most importantly, he announces that one of the rules of the evening is that "no woman is allowed to say "No" tonight." I guess that's the least he could do considering there's a room full of guys who are about to kill themselves in a tournament for his pleasure.

Unfortunately, that announcement on Munkar's part immediately transforms the banquet into an orgy of raping and pillaging and fighting and just outright strange behavior. In addition to the varying sex acts, some appear consensual and some don't, you've got this one pig monster, an ork perhaps, who gets up from his table and begins approaching this one scantily clad woman who is tied up as if he's about to pork her. Please don't hate me for that pun. Just then, this other fat warrior who had dived into mud wrestling pit to molest the ladies steps out of the mud and approaches the pig man. The next thing you know, the two behemoths are literally sumo wrestling one another for no reason whatsoever. And then half-naked midgets in horned helmets come running out and begin slap fighting and ramming fat guys in the stomach. This whole series of events plays out like CALIGULA as conceived by Vince McMahon on an acid trip.

While all of this goes on, Munkar is seated at his throne surveying the scene and appears to be gossiping about the goings-on with his personal assistant who keeps whispering stuff in his ear. Kane tells Zigrid he's going to scope out the castle with hopes of finding where Princess Gretchen and Gilda, the Amazon he's treating like some disposable penis receptacle that you use once then discard, are being held. Apparently he's heard something about a secret chamber where Munkar's harem is kept. Zigrid, despite the mass chaos going on around him, continues to sit at the table and eating casually.

Kane begins wandering around some corridors when he's confronted by two random members of Cirque du Soleil, who must also be part time hall monitors as they take exception to him wandering around the corridors without permission. A very brief skirmish ensues. You can guess who wins. Kane must have really worn himself out with that brief fight and decided to end his search for the chamber and his captured allies because the film suddenly cuts to the next day.

The tournament begins. Kane, in his not-so-brilliant disguise, is billed by as "The Barbarian" by the tournaments ring announcer so to speak. Kane has his first round match and this may be the first sword fight in movie history to end with a body slam. And then he spit on the guy! What is it with this guy and spitting on his defeated opponent?

The movie is going to show us all of the tournament battles. Here is a breakdown of this series of events.

· An extra from THE ROAD WARRIOR vs. New Age musician Yanni. Hey, that's the same guy who got his ass handed to him in the forest battle with Kane earlier.

· Kane vs. a guy with a bullwhip. Never bring a whip to a knife fight people! Kanegives the guy a chokeslam and then steps on his neck breaking it while roaring like a madman. And then he spits on the corpse! Princess Gretchen is shown standing next to Munkar looking mortified by the carnage but you know at the end of the day she's still going to be all hot and heavy for the savage warrior with the spitting fetish.

· That extra from THE ROAD WARRIOR vs. a fat guy in a toga. Fat guys in toga don't last long in fights to the death.

· An acrobat with a sword vs. some guy using Gallagher's Sledge-O-Matic as a weapon. Gymnastics prove no match for the mighty hammer.

· THE ROAD WARRIOR escapee vs. the gayest looking warrior I've ever seen. I think even Eddie Deezen could kick this guy's ass! No surprise here as the man with the colored mohawk wins. I think he just killed John Waters!

· Sledge-O-Matic guy vs. Dr. Bong. Zigrid actually gets the big hammer from the guy and busts him like a watermelon.

· Kane vs. a bad ass acrobat with a long spear. In this battle, Kane gets sliced across the abdomen, his first wound in the whole movie, and seeing some of his perfectly chiseled perfection being bloodied, he instantly experiences of fit of roid rage rarely seen by mankind and proceeds to obliterate his opponent.

· Zigrid vs. a suit of armor. Zigrid scores the best kill so far in the movie as brings the knight down to his knees, opens up the visor, and nails his exposed face with his sword sending a small fountain of blood into the air.

· Kane vs. a giddy little gymnast who is just flipping and leaping all over the place. No matter because Kane gets him in a front face lock and snaps his neck like a twig. I don't think he spit on this guy though. Maybe he's running out of saliva.

And that concludes day one of the tournament. At least these scenes also show us that Munkar isn't a complete idiot as several times throughout the tournament we're shown him watching on with a look on his face that conveys that he clearly sees through Kane and Zigrid's disguises.

That night, Gilda is once again attempting to rally the harem with slightly more success than before thanks to Princess Gretchen backing her up when Wooby suddenly drops in from the ceiling. Apparently Wooby has been crawling around in those passageways for over 24 hours. She tells Wooby to go find Kane and so Wooby once again climbs back into these ducts. If it took him that long to find the harem chamber imagine how long it will take him to find Kane's quarters?

But first, Wooby finds the kitchen and makes like Yogi Bear stealing a picnic basket by swiping a pie out from under the cook's nose.

Kane hears some familiar belching coming from this ductwork and summons Wooby to his quarters. They briefly get each other up to speed and then Kane tells Wooby to get to big knives from the kitchen and bring them to Gilda and Gretchen.

Meanwhile, Zigrid is taken captive and brought to Munkar's chambers. Munkar goes all Darth Vader on Zigrid and convinces him to join the Dark Side in exchange for immortality and Princess Gretchen. Seems the big lug has always had the hots for the Princess and doesn't want no barbaric pretty boy just using her for sex and then tossing her aside like he has every other woman in his life. Munkar gives Zigrid some magic ring and some poison to use on Kane.

Zigrid shows up at Kane's quarters to deliver some food and the way Kane lustfully stares at that pheasant wing will haunt me for the rest of my life. Seriously, I've never seen anyone stare at a piece of food with such a sexual look. It makes me feel dirty. Unfortunately, the food was drugged and Kane collapses to the floor. Is he dead or just unconscious? Zigrid doesn't seem to know or care either.

Back up in the harem's quarters, Princess Gretchen wakes up and tells Gilda of the dream she just had about Kane being drugged with a chicken wing and proceeds to reveal to Gilda the location of amulet just in case something back happens and she doesn't make it. Wooby then drops from the ceiling vent with a whole bunch of knives. I guess he decided to arm all the women. They then shove him back up into the ducts again and tell him to go get Kane. Maybe this movie should have been called WOOBY since he seems to be doing all the work as of late.

Wooby finds Kane blacked out on the floor of his room. Moments later, Wooby is shown on a horse riding away from the castle. How he got out so fast and where he's going… Why even bother asking at this point?

The next day, Munkar is addressing the finalists in the tournament while the crowd yells for the absent barbarian. Munkar informs them that the Barbarian died overnight from the wounds (Or would that be wound?) that he received the day before. Even the simple-minded peasant spectators don't buy that one and begin booing. Munkar could care less what the people think because he's the man now.

Wooby returns to the castle and quickly makes his way back to Kane's quarters where he's still sprawled out on the floor. I'd love to know what exactly Munkar and Zigrid's plan was to deal with Kane. You drug him and then just leave him there for a day or so? Wooby is seems went to a nearby village and got some sort of potion that counteracts the drug used on him. The witch is watching all this in her cauldron as if there were security cameras in the room beaming a picture directly to her pot. Kane wakes up and the two of them engage in a manly embrace.

Back to the tournament as the finals are being held between Zigrid and the ROAD WARRIOR reject. Munkar looks on as if he already knows who is going to win and Princess Gretchen watches while making the same three faces she's made in every other reaction shot they've shown of her while watching the fighting take place.

Suddenly Kane comes running out of a castle passageway, screams, and begins hacking up random soldiers and guards as he makes his way up to the harem's quarters.

The women themselves have also begun their revolution and they all meet halfway. Oh, one of the lipstick lesbians got gutted by a soldier prompting the other to change her mind about joining the fight as if that plot line has any bearing on anything yet to come. What's funny is that upon seeing Kane again, Gilda gives him this impassioned embrace that he barely returns. Bad news, honey! A sleeker, blonder model has already replaced you! To bad the witch didn't include that part in her dreams.

Gilda leads Kane to a foyer in the palace that has a big statue of a dragon thatlooks to have been erected as a monument to the dragon from the game show Tic-Tac-Dough. The Amulet is supposed to be inside it's mouth. Hey, I thought these things were supposed to be deep in the Earth? Members of the Dark Army show up and everyone begins auditioning to join the Society for Creative Anachronism. During the melee, Kane retrieves the Amulet from the dragon statue's mouth.

And Zigrid wins the tournament. It seems Zigrid was able to easily defeat his opponent because he was using the Sword of Justice which he swiped from Kane's quarters so it wasn't even a clean win. Lousy, cheating bastard! Just like HHH I tell you!

Zigrid takes Princess Gretchen, who has already figured out that he's turned evil, by the arm and leads her into the castle explaining why he joined Munkar. She is repulsed by him but unlike the less-than-busty maiden from earlier, this does not lead to sex. They just happen upon Kane and immediately she runs over and plants a kiss on him. Zigrid grabs her and threatens to kill her if he doesn't drop the Sword and the Amulet. Kane complies and then the two start wrestling. Kane snaps his neck.

Munkar casually strolls into the room with the Sword of Justice and gets his hand on the Amulet and lightning begins shooting out of his chest. With these three elements combined he will become Captain Planet! No wait. The witch explains via psychic voice to Kane that the power of the 3 Elements combined has revealed Munkar's true form, which appears to be a troll with Bozo the Clown hair. Seriously, this is some crappy make-up design. Munkar looks neither scary nor silly. He just looks crappy. But hey, he can now move as superhuman speed and proceeds to toy with Kane.

This all goes on for way too long and it is one of the clumsiest fight sequences I've ever seen. At times, some of the footage appears to have been just stitched together with little rhyme or reason.

Kane manages to get off a spinning back kick that knocks the Amulet off of Munkar's neck but this seems to have had little impact on the proceedings. Just asKane is about to get killed, the witch, who has been watching all of this in her cauldron via Witch Cam, magically teleports there and blasts Munkar with some magic mojo. Unfortunately, she then turns her back on him as she tries to help Kane back to his feet and gets impaled from behind for doing so. Munkar goes right back to whipping up on barbarian boy.

Kane is down on the ground barely moving as Munkar stands over him about to deal the fatal blow when Princess Gretchen suddenly stabs him from behind. Munkar keels over seemingly dead but we all know he's going to get back up any second now. The Princess tends to Kane and she mutters some crap about how she was able to defeat Munkar because all 3 Elements derive their power from the same source - love. Then the lovebirds begin making out and the scene begins to fade out. Oh please! Pardon me while I vomit!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that's it! Munkar doesn't get back up! Munkar is actually dead! The love interest has killed the evil one and saved the world in the process while the hero of the movie essentially got his ass handed to him! I am simply at a loss for words. She just showed up from out of nowhere and killed the villain and explained that she was able to do so because she was killing someone evil to save someone she loves, the same someone she's known for all of about 15 seconds. You have got to be kidding me!

Wait a minute, what happened to Munkar's assistant? He was standing there watching the battle one moment and then he vanished? Did I blink and miss a death scene? Was the character really that extraneous that we don't even learn his fate? Oy vey!

Fade in, King Kandar has returned to the palace and Kane just stands there in front of him in the King's chamber making out with his daughter the whole time. Gilda is standing off to the side watching these two go at it and she doesn't look all that happy. Who can blame her? The King says a few words about restoring the kingdom while Kane and Gretchen continue to play tonsil hockey right in front of her father and his ex-lover. Good grief! Do these two have an ounce of tact in their body? Gilda makes this somewhat ambiguously unhappy face and walks away. The film cuts to the castle's exterior and the credits begin to roll.

That's it? What the hell kind of ending was that?

So the hero is a rather vain, uncivilized, somewhat self-centered jerk whose dopey partner had to save his ass from being poisoned and whose potential love interest had to save his ass from being killed and in the process ended up killing the bad guy and saving the day. Meanwhile, his ex-lover just gets tossed aside like yesterday's news and the player has the gall to suck face with his new bitch right in front of her. This is one seriously screwed up movie. God, I loved it!

Maybe they can make a sequel where Gilda turns into an evil woman scorned and seeks revenge or maybe Wooby can get a spin-off movie?

If you can find a video store that carries BARBARIAN, I highly recommend checking it out. This is 100%, pure, Grade-A schlock filled with plenty of schlocky goodness! If you're looking for great bad movie then this flick is what you've been looking for. Pop some popcorn and enjoy the cheese!

THEY SAY A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS.
THIS PICTURE ONLY REQUIRES ONE.

DUDE!!!!

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE DUNGEONS & DRAGONS