MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE HOME ALONE 2: LOST IN NEW YORK

I've mentioned in recent months that I acquired a region free DVD player. Have I really reached the point where I'm having to search foriegn countries to find more schlocktacular motion pictures? Hardly. But they sure do come in when searching for certain direct-to-video movies that haven't recieved a release in the United States yet. I've already done a few such reviews for Dread Central. Ironically, the two films I reviewed, DR. RAGE (aka THE STRAUN HOUSE) and KILLER BASH, have now been released domestically to DVD. They weren't when I first reviewed them months ago. This month's Foyeurism presents a triple threat of movies currently only available on foriegn region DVD, athough one is set to be released domestically in a few months, another will no doubt eventually make it to DVD here, and the other will get an American DVD release whenever Satan finally decides to start up a DTV distribution company. Two of them were even spotlighted in my massive B-WARE 2005 article. Were they worth the extra trouble I went through to see them? Find out in...

 

REGION FREE-FOR-ALL

 

From the makers of PINATA: SURVIVAL ISLAND...

That sentence right there should tell you why I sought out a just released PAL DVD (God bless my new Region Free DVD player!) of the yet-to-be-released-in-the-US GAMEBOX 1.0, the new motion picture from David & Scott Hillenbrand, the makers of PINATA: SURVIVAL ISLAND (and KING COBRA, but I'd much rather forget that one). Could lightning strike twice? Should one actively openly cheer for another laugh out loud catastrophe along the lines of Jaime Pressly and Nic Brendan battling a demonic Porky Pig? I say yes.

The Hillenbrand Brothers present GAMEBOX 1.0 aka ARCADE 1.5 aka BRAINSCAN 2.0 aka STAY ALIVE: THE BETA TEST VERSION. All of those aka's prove to be the biggest problem with GAMEBOX 1.0. The whole movie is derivative of several similar films, one of which, STAY ALIVE, still manages to make the Hillenbrand's film look like a rip-off even though this one was made first. Heck, the last scene of GAMEBOX 1.0 is a direct copy of BRAINSCAN's climax. Low budget and derivative in nature, GAMEBOX 1.0 feels like something The Asylum would have produced as either a rip-off of BRAINSCAN called MINDGAMES or a rip-off of STAY ALIVE called DON'T DIE. On the plus side, GAMEBOX 1.0 isn't half bad. Of course, that also means it's only half good. What starts out as breezy albeit derivative slice of low rent cyberpunk that loses steam halfway in and makes you wish there was a cheat code that could turn into a better movie.

Young Charlie is a professional video game beta tester with no life. Unlike most people that play video games 16 hours a day and have no life the reason Charlie actually has a reason why he has no life. His girlfriend Kate was murdered two years earlier and he has been unable to move on ever since. The video game gods have had it with his perpetual moping so they mail him a new video game system called Gamebox 1.0 that, well, if you've seen the movie BRAINSCAN then you can pretty much figure out where this one is headed. If you have not seen BRAINSCAN, well, the game system is malicious but also a powerful life-affirming educational tool - assuming you live long enough to learn your lesson. GET A LIFE OR DIE - now that should have been the film's title.

WHAT'S THIS WARNING LABEL SAY? DO NOT AIM DIRECTLY INTO THE EYAAAAAAAH!

The Gamebox 1.0 game system consists of three pieces: a small black console that looks like a bloated CD player, a metal framework skullcap, and a palm-sized camera. BRAINSCAN had a punk rock demon called The Trickster to act as Edward Furlong's game guide/tormentor. Here we get only the voice of Gamebox 1.0 that sounds like the Will & Grace version of HAL 9000. It tells him to use the mini camera to scan his friends' likenesses into the game - recycling actors helps keep the budget down - and advises him to scan in a picture of someone he truly disdains for the face of the game's villain. The face of the villain is provided by all-purpose movie heavy Patrick Kilpatrick, here playing the dirty cop that killed Kate.

Forget about the whole video game that messes with your mind aspect of the plot. The biggest mystery of GAMEBOX 1.0 is how the hell did this cop get acquitted? We're shown a brief flashback of the shooting and you cannot watch it and not wonder about the circumstances that led to this cop avoiding prison time (or the death penalty for that matter). Charlie and Kate are shown sneaking through a broken fence. Where they are breaking into is anyone's guess. Unless it was Area 51, shooting on sight seems beyond excessive force to me. The cop, who I think was supposed to be on security guard duty, yells at Kate to freeze. She does so and yet he still draws his gun and puts a bullet right through her heart. Mind you this all happens in broad daylight and she wasn't holding anything so the cop couldn't even claim that it was dark at the time and he thought she had a weapon. There's no way in hell he could ever have come up with an excuse to justify this blatant murder yet that's exactly what happened. Other than a newspaper headline announcing his acquittal the film gives you no idea how he got cleared of all charges. He just was. Later in the film, Charlie will have an unexpected run-in with the cop and discover the guy's a drug addict and was most likely high when he gunned down Kate. This would have made his guilt even harder to sweep under the rug, and yet he continues to walk the streets as a drug-dealing beat cop. Again, there's no chance in hell this guy would have ever gotten off if the shooting played out as depicted, especially considering the girl he shot was white.

As a matter of fact, the girl he shot through the heart was Topanga from the ABC TGIF sitcom Boy Meets World. Danielle Fishel plays dead girlfriend Kate in the brief flashbacks Charlie has. She'll later pop up in the video game world wearing too much lipstick. Well, she does.

The gaming world of Gamebox 1.0 is divided into three different games. The primary one is Crime Spree, a Grand Theft Auto style game that casts the player as a small time hood at odds with a kimono wearing, sometimes Japanese devil-masked, samurai sword swinging, underworld crimelord - the main villain of the game physically represented by the likeness of the person the player disdains most. The game's mission objective has Charlie protecting a package that turns out to be a female going by the name of Princess. I bet you can't guess what deceased female from his real life the game scanned an image of from his brain to give Princess visual form. And she's wearing too much lipstick too.

TEENAGE BOYS LOVE THE DANIELLE FISHEL VIRTUAL DATING SIMULATOR

The look of the Crime Spree game world brings to mind the aesthetics of movies like SIN CITY and SKY CAPTAIN & THE WORLD OF TOMORROW but on your typical low DTV budget. It's phony looking as all hell; the blue screen work is obvious, and yet it is visually interesting enough that it works. The same cannot be said of the other two game environments.

Next is Zombie World. I guess this was supposed to be something of a Resident Evil type of game. I think. Poorly Conceived World would be a better name. Zombie World is a predominantly barren landscape except for a few trees and stuff that looks like giant prehistoric fossils sticking up from the ground. It's so impoverished compared to the visual look of Crime Spree that I wonder if they began running out of money by this point that this was the best they could come up with.

Charlie and Princess will get chased about by creatures that are called zombies but look more like blurry shadowy ninjas that hop about like wild monkeys. I don't know how anyone could possibly classify these things as zombies. I don't know how you could possibly classify these things as anything other than embarrassing. I couldn't even grab a still of them because they just come across like blurry black blobs. After the game environment of Crime Spree, Zombie World is quite the disappointment, and here the fakeness of the game world settings begins to devolve into amateurish matte paintings and virtual sets that can only be accurately described as eye sores. DESPISER, this is not.

Lastly, there's Alien Planet. I don't know if they were going for a Halo-esque game here or not. Whatever it was, like Zombie World, it failed, although not to nearly as bad a degree. This time the danger comes in the form of blurry translucent aliens that are like the zombies only a different color and firing ray guns. There's also an attacking flying saucer armada that looks like something out of a MARS ATTACKS Playstation game cut scene. Whereas Zombie World looked like crap, Alien Planet just looks like bargain basement computer animation.

LEAST POPULAR GAMEBOX REALM: WHITE ROOM

So, again, have you seen BRAINSCAN or STAY ALIVE? If so, then you sort of know the routine. You get hurt in the game and you feel real pain, you only have so many lives in the game before you die for real, the game begins messing with your mind so that you start having hallucinations even in the real world, and just as with BRAINSCAN it turns out that the game isn't entirely malevolent. It can be fatal, as seen in the film's prologue that plays like the openings of STAY ALIVE and NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET got combined into one; but as we'll come to learn, Gamebox 1.0 is really more of an educational game than your typical time-wasting violent video game system. Gamebox 1.0 just wants to teach you an important life lesson about letting go of past pain and living a full life. It's like Dr. Phil only it's a video game that can follow you into the real world and will kill you if you don't have that all important epiphany.

The second half of GAMEBOX 1.0 has Charlie, whose attempts to quit the game prove futile since it's now operating out of his own subconscious, ending up in a coma so that he'll be stuck in the game world until he finishes playing it all out. The game jumps at random from Crime Spree to Zombie World before finally wrapping up in Alien Planet; all the Charlie and Princess are chased by a samurai sword wielding, kimono-wearing Patrick Kilpatrick. By the time Charlie winds up in his coma, not only has it become quite apparent where the plot of GAMEBOX 1.0 is heading, the novelty of the film's visual look has worn thin and the movie itself becomes comatose. GAMEBOX 1.0 is like a speeding train that takes about a mile or so to come to a complete stop. The movie hits the brakes about halfway in but still takes another 40 or so minutes before finally coasting to the finish.

Now what exactly Gamebox 1.0 is, where it came from, or how Charlie was selected to recieve is a mystery the movie never even attempts to explain. Nobody even asks. The Gamebox 1.0 video game system: another fine product of Deus Ex Machina Inc.

Now before anyone cries foul, yes, this review did originally appear at Dread Central. Unfortunately, it went up just shortly before the split from the Horror Channel and did make the transfer over to the new Dread Central's archives. So I figured I'd toss it in here. And I even tossed in two stills as well of the title beast - so there. Read on or just skip to the next.

I must confess that I am not much of a fan of Asian horror, J-horror especially. While I can appreciate the sort of moody, psychological, often surreal style that many Japanese horror filmmakers employ as opposed to the more in-your-face hack & slash, startle you with loud noises on the soundtrack methods used by most Western horror filmmakers, my experiences watching what few J-horror films I have can only be compared to the feeling of riding on a slow-moving rollercoaster that only goes in a straight line. I understand that Japanese horror movies often require patience to pay off but many I've seen required the patience of Job, and I'm afraid my intestinal fortitude isn't quite up to biblical standards. I'm talking about you, UZUMAKI.

That brings us to horror films from Thailand. I have even less experience with Thai horror than I do Japanese horror but from the few Thai horror films I've seen the only comparison I can make is that of being strapped into the rollercoaster and then told by the operator that the ride is broken but they're not going to let me get out until the amount of time the ride would normally last has expired. I'm talking about you DEVIL SPECIES.

Compared to the J-horror films, Thai horror films are usually much cheaper looking, infinitely less artistic, and often made by directors whose hatred for their audience is surpassed only by their ineptitude at the craft of filmmaking. Forget about having the patience of Job; had the recent Thai horror film THE BEAST existed back in the time of Job I suspect he would have renounced God, Satan would have won the bet, and the Bible would have an entirely different ending. I cannot renounce God for watching THE BEAST because it was my own free will. I can, however, attribute its existence to the Devil. I assure you that the creation of such a film could only have been conceived by the most unholy of beings.

I had never heard of THE BEAST until I came across the DVD listing with a picture of the box art that misled me into thinking this was going to be some sort of Thai horror flick with a Bigfoot-esque gorilla creature running amok. I knew the premise had to do with the discovery of a sacred idol in the jungle that was brought back to civilization leading to the appearance of a murderous mystical ape beast that proceeds to slaughter some Thai teens at a party. The premise behind THE BEAST could have made for a frightening supernatural creature feature or even a campy monster flick. No such luck. Instead THE BEAST settles for just being pure agony. The running time on the box said the film was 100 minutes long. It felt like 100 years to me.

IF THEY MATED: "MUM" FROM DEAD ALIVE AND DR. ZAIUS

So there's this collector/archaeologist dude wandering the jungles between Cambodia and Burma only to come across a small village full of dead bodies, all of whom appeared to have been slaughtered by some sort of animal. A lone surviving native running around like someone on a bad PCP trip drops a tiny wooden monkey doll so that the collector can add it to his collection. He eventually meets up with another native in the jungle, something about the legend of a monkey god named King Koy is discussed, and the native casually gives him a piece of a sacred cloth that will protect him from the evil spirit haunting the idol so long as it is kept over the monkey's head like a hood.

Returning to civilization, we come to learn that this guy is also a professor as he spends the next five minutes lecturing people - not all of whom are even students - on various Southeast Asian myths associated with the various objects he's returned with, although none that discusses have anything whatsoever to do with the plot.

Let's take this opportunity to meet our cast of characters. Well, there's the archaeologist guy, another guy, yet another guy, a girl, and an older woman. Names are for people that give a damn and by this time I had already stopped. It's literally a half hour into the film before anything substantial happens. That anything is a character removing the protective sacred cloth from the idol's head. Remember, that's bad. Immediately, its eyes glow reds and the monkey spirit turns the fan setting in the room to high. Nobody dies. No monkey monster running amok. A guy does have a dream sequence that lasts several minutes in which all he does is walk through the woods in his pajamas - slowly. The music swells and then a monkey finally dives on him from the tree above and rips his guts out. He wakes up. Nothing happens for several more minutes.

Despite nothing happening you'd swear something truly suspenseful must be happening given how pulse-pounding the soundtrack tries to be even when the action on the screen is just someone casually walking around until someone or something comes upon them and not even in a startling way either.

After 45 minutes of pure unadulterated hell, we finally get to the whole killer ape creature attacking nubile college students' aspect of the plot. Well, not quite. You see first everyone from the first half of the movie has to exit stage left while the plot essentially starts over by introducing us to a whole new cast of characters for a whole new plotline involving a birthday party with the only thing tying it to what we previously saw being one of the students foolishly swiped that idol from the professor.

Their first order of business: lunch. Several more excruciatingly dull minutes pass as the director assumes we'll be entertained watching them eat noodles and drink unidentifiable green liquids while engaging in inane chatter that does nothing to advance the plot until someone decides they should throw a birthday party for another.

The only highlight of the film, and it is only a highlight in the sense that I was literally shaking my head in disbelief by the sheer wretchedness of it, is the sudden introduction of a Thai pop-rock soundtrack composed of atrocious Asian cover tunes of popular American hits from the 1980s. The scene of them preparing for the birthday party is accompanied by a version of Michael Jackson's "Bad" that lives up to the song's title in ways Jackson himself never could. Shortly thereafter, a hate crime is committed against Kenny Loggins as "Footloose" is massacred while these Thai twits sit around a table bopping around in their chairs and downing bottles of Heineken. Hearing "Beat It" as performed by what sounded like a tone deaf 11-year old nearly drove me to a mental breakdown, but before my brain had time to implode I was floored by Glenn Frey's "The Heat is On" as butchered by what sounded like an effeminate Asian Doo-Wop group trying to mimic the Beach Boys. If there is truly a place called Hell (after sitting through THE BEAST I do believe such a place exists) then this soundtrack is playing on a loop there right now. Or at the very least, it's perfectly suited for a Thai version of Dancing with the Stars.

WAY UP IN THE TREES LIVE THE SATANIC MONCHHICHIS

So it's nearly an hour before the titular beast finally attacks. Frankly, I was so hoping it would skip the teens and come put me out of my misery. As the party progresses, we are periodically shown the ape creature's feet as it approaches the festivities. Judging by the amount of time from the first viewing of its feet to when it finally starts killing people at the party, I'd say it took it about fifteen minutes to walk ten yards.

Now remember how I said I thought it would be some sort of Sasquatch-sized beast? Ha! It's just guy in a monkey costume; a bigger than an average tree-swinging monkey but still smaller than you average Asian teen and not even remotely realistic or menacing despite its scary old lady face, fangs, glowing red eyes, and elongated arms that come in handy as it loves to slap people like some sort of simian pimp demanding its money.

The kills are unspectacular at best, and even at 100 minutes in length the majority of the kills don't occur until the last 10 minutes. Oh, and the angry monkey spirit also takes possession of one of the dead kids for reasons that make no sense and do nothing to make the viewing experience rise above pure mental anguish. The monkey beast can even steal one's soul by sucking it right out of their mouth. Coincidentally, that's the same thing the movie THE BEAST did to me as I watched it.

How does one say "Negative Five Stars!" in Thai?

A VERY COOL CHRISTMAS opens with (22 year old masquerading as) 16-year old high school princess Lindsay as she goes downstairs on Christmas morning to find the Chanel handbag she's longed for. But something's wrong - the Chanel logo pops off. It's a fake. She opens another present with a tag that says "Last Year's Jeans". Another present contains "Zike" sneakers. What's going on? Is this the worst Christmas ever? Nope, it's all a horrible dream.

This opening sequence runs parallel to my own feelings watching A VERY COOL CHRISTMAS. I knew from the moment I first came across the existence of the film back when I was compiling movie info for my massive B-WARE 2005 article that I had to see this thing for myself. Sure it looked corny as all hell but the film's trailer won me over just on goofiness alone. The movie hadn't been released so I would just have to wait. I kept waiting. Still no DVD release or TV airing that I knew of. Where had this movie gone? Was it that bad?

About three months ago I was surfing ebay and figured what the hell and typed in the film's title to see if it had been released internationally. Much to my surprise, it had. I quickly scooped up a PAL DVD. When it arrived, I immediately I popped it into my region free DVD player, sat back, and waited to be entertained one way or another. I kept waiting. Then the tag popped off. Then the smell of moldy blue jeans took over. It wasn't a bad dream, although it sure felt like one at times. Was it the worst Christmas movie ever? Hardly; not as long as SANTA WITH MUSCLES walks the earth. This had a few choice moments of b-movie goofiness to enjoy, but if there were a Wal-Mart $5.50 bin full of DVDs of the lame Christmas movies ever made, I assure you copies of A VERY COOL CHRISTMAS would probably fill up about a quarter of the bin. In fact, it turns out that A VERY COOL CHRISTMAS will finally be getting released to DVD in the US at the end of November. I'm betting copies will be in the $5.50 bin no later than Easter.

Interestingly enough, it turns out there are two different versions of the movie. The one I'm reviewing is A VERY COOL CHRISTMAS. The other, under the film's original title of TOO COOL FOR CHRISTMAS, dares to bill itself as the first gay holiday movie. In this version, Lindsay has two daddies. Given how inconsequential the parents are to the proceedings anyway, I honestly don't see what the point of doing so was. If TOO COOL FOR CHRISTMAS gets released this fall as well then it and A VERY COOL CHRISTMAS could single handedly fill a Wal-Mart $5.50 bin.

Sixteen old Lindsay (actress Brooke Nevin who has since moved on to The 4400 and getting fish-hooked in I'LL ALWAYS KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER) is basically the blonde daughter from 8 Simple Rules only with more of the street smarts of CLUELESS' Alicia Silverstone. She's materialistic to the core and bored with her family because they're so repetitive in their ways. Her family has two big rules in the house: get straight A's and spend Christmas together as a family. She has no qualms about being an A-student but that second rule poses a problem for Lindsay this year since she wants to go on a Christmas ski trip with her friends. Also going on the ski trip is Anderson, the hunkiest guy in school. Naturally, Lindsay has a major crush on him and who can blame her as everything about Anderson just screams "dudeness"?

Lindsay decides to get out of Christmas by appealing to her businessman daddy using elaborate graphs and pie charts. She keeps telling him it would be more economical to avoid Christmas altogether or at least celebrate it a month later when shopping prices will be lower. If she really wants to save money then how about spending less on fancy graphs and pie charts?

YOUNG LINDSAY RUMSFELD PRESENTS A DETAILED POWER POINT PLAN TO CRUSH THE SANTA CLAUS INSURGENCY. IN KEEPING WITH FAMILY TRADITION, SHE FAILS MISERABLY.

In the process of giving her mom and dad this elaborate corporate anti-Christmas presentation, aloof Lindsay nearly reveals to her 6-year old kid sister Alexis that Santa isn't real. That upsets mom. Dad tells Lindsay no deal. Dumb Lindsay actually tells her dad that she absolutely has to go because "the hottest boy in school will be there." A 16-year old daughter tells her daddy something like that in real life - forget the holiday ski trip, he'll probably lock her in her room and force her to attend abstinence education classes. Mom tells her she's too selfish and always does and wants only for herself. Who does Lindsay blame all of this on? Santa, of course, is the source of her problems. She vows to defy her parents and show up the secular deity of Christmas capitalism - by going shopping at the mall! Yeah, that'll show him! Take that, Kris Kringle.

At the mall we're introduced to Chuck, the bullying, loudmouth, overly aggressive mall security guard that will often be shown flanked by a fellow mall security guard and blatant Asian stereotype named Johnny. I believe in real life shaking down a guy at the food court chicken place for all the guy's samplers would be a fireable offense. Not for Chuck. He was rejected by the police force for failing the psych exam and now believes he's free to do whatever he wants at the mall because the customers owe him for protecting them. Judging by the actor playing Chuck, he was rejected for a role as one of Captain Harris' sycophants in the POLICE ACADEMY films for being incapable of toning it down to less grating on the nerves levels of overacting. There are two types of overacting: the kind that's over the top in a fun way and the kind that's so forced its like nails on the chalkboard to watch. If the guy playing Chuck used any more force he'd become a Sith.

CHUCK - THE JAR JAR BINKS OF A VERY COOL CHRISTMAS

What Chuck really hates are the teenagers that frequent the mall because they're all spoiled rich kids that do more loitering than shopping. Well, you gotta give him that much. He plots to get rid of the cool rich kids (just like the ones that mocked him in high school). All he has to do is get rid of one hip teenage girl and all her friends will then stop coming there. Being that he's such a disliked douche, someone throws a hamburger at Chuck in the food court. The film actually portrays a small group of hamburger-hurling hooligans that seem only to exist to annoy Chuck who in turn is too frightened of them to do anything. Chuck opts to blame this McAssault on Lindsay and her equally vacuous best friend Paige, and then proceeds to commit another fireable offense.

The two spoiled princesses immediately recognize Chuck from his disastrous appearance on the show Extrem-A-Date. We get a short flashback to this show. Chuck doesn't find any of this funny. I concur. A furious Chuck puts Lindsay on notice that if she gets just one more citation she'll be banned from the mall for life.

Meanwhile, the mall Santa takes a break from being photographed with crying children to enter an upscale clothing store looking for something for Mrs. Claus only to have the stereotypically snooty British shop clerk talk down to him and tell him if that if he has to ask about prices then he cannot afford to shop there. This scene plays out suspiciously like an identical scene involving Julia Roberts in her hooker-wear from PRETTY WOMAN. That's probably because it is the same exact scene.

REALLY? YOU SAW ME KISSING YOUR MOMMY? DID YOU SEE WHAT ELSE I DID TO HER?

Still upset from her encounter with the seemingly deranged mall security guy, Lindsay escalates her Santa hate by then harassing the mall Santa, browbeating him for being completely devoid of style, too chubby, hanging out with elves, only working one day a year, etc. Being Santa, he takes it in stride and doesn't smack the ho-ho-ho out of her like she deserves. Father Christmas should have bitchslapped Lindsay so hard her skull shook like a bowl full of jelly. Where's Chuck when you actually need him?

Somehow, this altercation with the pacifist Santa causes bratty Lindsay to suddenly realize that her parents may be right and she may very well be too selfish after all. Say, shouldn't this epiphany have been saved for the third act?

Lindsay drops Paige off and tells her she has something to do; that something is driving back to the mall to apologize to the mall Santa and offer him a makeover. The mall Santa keeps talking to her like he's the real Santa, creeping Lindsay out and rightfully so. Seems ol' St. Nick has marriage problems - just no spark in the marriage anymore with Mrs. Klaus. Excuse me, I'm willing to accept the song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" but a film about a teenage girl trying to put the spark in Santa's marital bed is a bit much if you ask me. That's not a candy cane in his pocket but he is happy to meet you.

It's now time for Extreme Makeover: Santa Edition. Step one: guest pass at her gym. She gets him doing aerobics class, riding exercise bike, punching the boxing bag... Yeah, whoop that ass, Santa! You teach them not to put the X in Xmas. Oh wait, that would be more of a reason for Jesus to whoop that ass, not Santa. Oops.

This whole sequence is done as a musical montage to the tune of the department store cover version of the song "I'm Coming Out". This sequence was the moment I realized I was not going to be having a holly jolly Christmas, at least not for the remaining hour or so. None of this is amusing in the slightest. The whole gag is that it's Santa in his Santa suit working out. It doesn't try to do anything funny with the workout routines outside of the visual that isn't funny to begin with. That's not entirely true. There is one funny visual.

LINDSAY VS. SANTA CLAUS

FIGHT!

FLAWLESS VICTORY

Within two short weeks and just in time for Christmas Eve, Lindsay's workout plan has transformed this mall Santa from shaking like a bowl full of jelly Santa to Willie Nelson in a Santa suit. Oprah would kill for his weight loss secrets.

Santa thanks her and tells her he's got work to do. Lindsay, however, isn't through, insisting it's "time to bring Santa into the 21st Century". This means it's now time for the wacky musical montage of Santa trying on a variety of stylish threads. Santa in a hip-hop track suit: not funny. Santa in a leather jacket and sunglasses: also not funny. Santa dressed like Don Johnson on Miami Vice: funny. Okay, I admit this was the only thing in the entire movie that got a hearty laugh out of me but not because Santa was dressed like Sonny Crockett. I laughed because Santa looked like Moses if he were a metrosexual South Florida cocaine dealer.

GRANDMASTER KRINGLE - HOST OF "HO! HO! HO! MTV RAPS"

ZZ CLAUS - SHARP DRESSED SANTA

ENRON CLAUS - CURRENTLY FACING 34 INDICTMENTS

IS THERE ANYTHING MORE DISTURBING THAN A SANTA CLAUS THAT LOOKS LIKE HE SHOULD BE COKED OUT & DRIVING AROUND IN A FERRARI SOLICITING MALE PROSTITUTES

Now Lindsay takes Santa to the salon for a trim. Enter Eduardo, the gay European hair stylist, a bordering on offensive piece of movie stereotyping.

EVERY HETEROSEXUAL MALES' WORST NIGHTMARE

Cue another montage, this time of wacky hairstyles. If the image of Santa with cornrows amuses you then you'll laugh heartily at this sequence. I do not want to meet the people that find this funny. Honestly, who is the target audience? I cannot imagine kids, teens, or adults being amused by any of this or finding any of it cute. This film is loaded with the sorts of insipid humor you'd find on a bad sitcom that gets cancelled after four episodes. The only people I can really see liking this movie are the sorts of people that post reviews on IMDB praising a movie not because it's any good but because it didn't feature any foul language or T&A or violence and therefore they give the film a pass. I bet those people will be most unhappy if they pick up the version with the two dads.

Finally, it's time for Santa to hit the tanning booth. Trim, shaven, looking dapper, and with a golden tan, Santa emerges as GEORGE HAMILTON~!

The concept of Santa Claus being portrayed by the man with the golden tan, George Hamilton, was the whole reason I was dying to see A VERY COOL CHRISTMAS. Well, that and the visual of Santa's sleigh being replaced by a flying cherry red sports car with a huge sack of toys coming out of the trunk, but I'm getting ahead of myself. George Hamilton has been playing Santa the whole time by walking slumped over and speaking in an old man voice. In truth, he wasn't very convincing. That's okay. He's now George Hamilton as the tannest Santa Claus ever.

DAMN, I'M HANDSOME. I AM SO DOING ME TONIGHT. YOU TOO, BLONDIE.

Santa's first order of business following his makeover is to recreate the scene from PRETTY WOMAN where the madeover Julia Roberts goes into the clothing store to show up the clerk that snubbed her earlier. This film even cribs the exact same dialogue from that film too. At least they only made Santa turn into George Hamilton and not made a movie about Santa being an unhappy widower that meets and falls in love with a new Mrs. Claus who is actually a hooker with a heart of gold that he picked up on Christmas Eve. On second thought, I would rather have seen that film instead. Heck, that should have been the plot to THE SANTA CLAUSE 2.

But all is not well in the realm of Santadom. Lindsay tells off Santa because he dared to give her crap for wanting to ditch Christmas with her family for a ski trip with his royal dudeness Anderson. Santa doesn't fully understand modern relationships because he's been married for 1,000 years. Lindsay's annoyed because she just wasted the last two weeks "coolifying" him only to have him still disapprove of her ski trip. He replies with "There's a world of kids in need of presents and I hang out all evening with you at the mall." Could you imagine if this movie were about a teenage girl "coolifying" Jesus in preparation for the Second Coming?

As they walk out of the just closed and suddenly completely deserted mall, Lindsay is astonished to see a giant red sleigh sitting right there in the parking lot where everyone could see it. Well, if anyone was actually there. Did the Rapture just occur and only last minute Christmas shoppers got called up to heaven? Anyway, Santa's sleigh comes complete with a reindeer - only one reindeer, Comet. Santa tells her the reindeer is just for show; he had to fire the other reindeer because they unionized. Oh, so Santa Claus is like Wal-Mart? Well, Merry Christmas to all.

Santa offers to take her along with him because she helped him out. I'm hoping he'll toss her out in mid-flight or leave her stuffed in a chimney somewhere in the former Yugoslavia. Lindsay tells him he needs to ditch the sleigh and take her sporty red car. Scarily enough, he goes along with her idea. A little Santa magic helps get the giant sack of presents to fit on the backend of her car. She insists Santa ride shotgun. There's just something so wrong and, strangely enough, so very American about "Joy to the World" playing while Santa rides off with a hot blonde in a sports car overloaded with presents.

Chuck saw them driving away and declares that she's getting away with stolen merchandise from the mall. How did he determine that and even if they did, how bad a mall security guard must he be to allow someone to get away with that much loot?

So does Chuck call the cops to have her arrested? Nope. Does Chuck even notice the sleigh and reindeer still residing in the parking lot? Nope. The only thing Chuck can focus on is how this is just the excuse he needs to get her banned from the mall. There are things that happen even in the dopiest of movies that cross a line to where you can no longer accept the film's idiocy and mentally begin to openly rebel against it. Everything about the Chuck character from his behavior to his dialog to the non-stop bad overacting offends my senses. And guess what - the guy that plays Chuck (badly) also wrote the movie (badly). No coincidence there.

I know the film means well but it really does more that goes against the very principles of Christmas that it's trying to expound. It's all about teaching this girl to be less hung up on the superficial things but every aspect of the film is nothing but superficial. And lame. Don't forget lame. And the worst is yet to come. I swear this movie is at times a Yuletide hate crime.

PIMP MY SLEIGH

Lindsay's car now flies via some pretty lousy computer effects. It looks like something from a McG directed holiday special called HOT WHEELS XTREME XMAS ADVENTURE. This is so hokey looking that it's impossible not to entertained.

Santa now reveals that all of his magic emanates from - get this - his ears. Santa is like Samantha from Betwitched only it's all about tugging on earlobes. Touch the right ear to do magic; touch the left ear and the opposite happens. Multiple tugs result in different things happening. How many tugs to make this movie not suck? There's no magic involved but this movie makes me want to hold my nose. Seriously, earlobe magic? He doesn't even tug his ears with any flare.

Chuck shows up at Lindsay's house dressed like a cop to report her crimes and produces a massive contract (The 9/11 Commission Report was smaller than this thing!) banning her for life from the mall if only her parents will sign. It's stunning - not that stunning considering it involves the guy that wrote it - how long the script manages to drag this subplot out until Chuck finally snaps at dad and gets thrown out of their house. Chuck vows that "This isn't over!" like a cartoon bad guy thus threatening us with the promise of more upcoming anti-funny antics on his part.

In pro wrestling there's a term called "go away heat". It's when the audience jeers a guy not because they hate his character but because they genuinely cannot stand having to watch this guy period. They just want him to go away. That's what this guy generates. Just get Chuck off my TV screen and don't ever come back.

Speaking of lame, there's a brief encounter with a photographer trying to get a pic Santa on a rooftop. I won't even mention the bit with the burglar. It's almost enough to make me long for the droll comedic stylings of a Tim Allen family comedy.

Lindsay's car is now parked on a roof, and what a strong rooftop it must be. She and Santa go down the chimney thanks to some magic dust that causes them to explode into XANADU lights. Santa also tells her that the magic dust acts as a dry cleaning protectant that freshens up his clothes as well following a chimney run. They'll go on to do this routine at several houses all the while discussing the true meaning of Christmas. News flash: that Christ guy doesn't appear to have anything to do with it.

THE ADDITION OF THE GLOWING LIGHTS MADE THIS THE MOST SPECTACULAR SHOWCASE SHOWDOWN PRIZE PACKAGE IN THE HISTORY OF THE PRICE IS RIGHT

Santa: "When I look at people, that's all I see." He's referring, of course, to love. Really? That's all he ever sees in people? Love? Even Hitler? Even child molesters?

Another musical montage - UGH! This time they're delivering presents, eating cookies, drinking milk, performing ear magic, turning into animated lights - all set to a shrill Christmas song that could make mice scream. At the rate they're going Santa should complete this year's Christmas run sometime around the year 2105.

They now find themselves at Anderson's house to bring presents to his kid brother. It's also time for another lecture. Then they make their way to Lindsay's home to deliver presents to her kid sister Alexis, who sees her and tells her that all she asked Santa for Christmas was for Lindsay to be home for the holiday. What? Lindsay wanted to go a ski trip; it's not like she's been on a tour of duty in Iraq for months and months. Alas, heart strings get plucked with all the subtlety of Jason Voorhees ripping someone's heart clean from their chest cavity.

HELLBENT TO TAP THAT ASS, SANTA SECRETLY SPIKED LINDSAY'S DRINK WITH ROOFIES. DETERMINED TO ROB HIM BLIND, LINDSAY SLIPPED SLEEPING PILLS INTO SANTA'S DRINK. WHO WILL DRINK UP FIRST?

Now that Lindsay's learned her lesson, and what a lesson it was, it's time to head back to the mall parking lot so that Santa can return to his traditional reindeer-pulled sleigh.

Oh no, Chuck has been waiting for them. It turns out Chuck is the only boy that's never made it onto Santa's list. So does that mean that Chuck is the embodiment of absolute evil or what? We'll never know since a small army of cheeseburger-hurling mall hooligans show up to chase Chuck off. Chuck runs out into the street and stops a car being driven by a woman that turns out to the Extreme-A-Date girl that couldn't stand him. She screams in terror. As far as punchlines go, I'd love to punch Chuck and hang him from a line.

Time to sum up the life lesson: she tried to change Santa from the outside in but learned that real change only comes from the inside out. Brought to you by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints…

Christmas Day, Lindsay's in the living room with the family gathered around the TV watching cartoons and eating popcorn. Ummm... traditional Christmas popcorn. Yummy! Who's that knocking at the door? Why it's young, dudely Anderson. He got her note, the one planted in his stocking by Santa. So now Santa's in the business of getting teenagers laid? Lindsay initially freaks about not writing the note but when he goes to walk away she suddenly backtracks and... Hey, she's being superficial again even when trying to be sincere - just like this movie.

Back at the North Pole, Soprano Claus (I call him so because of the Mafioso suit he's wearing - JOLLYFELLAS, now there's another movie I'd like to see) arrives to find TV's Donna Mills standing in the living room of their cottage looking as if she's ready to attend the Emmy Awards. Like O'Henry only without any of the stuff that made O'Henry's writing classic, Mr. & Mrs. Claus got matching Christmas makeovers. If there was supposed to be some irony involved it got lost on the way to Santa's Workshop. If there was supposed to be whimsy involved, well, that's a lost cause with this film. They dance. I assume the spark has now returned to their marriage now that both have made themselves more physically attractive to the other. But remember, kids, being superficial is bad, especially at Christmastime.

And here comes yet another shrill Christmas tune performed by someone that sounds like a Betty Boop impersonator. Somebody hit the gong already.

For a film called A VERY COOL CHRISTMAS this was anything but. Wouldn't it have been more interesting if the person in question really was portrayed as a stupid spoiled whore like Paris Hilton instead of this Lindsay character that already came to the conclusion that she needed to change her selfish ways even before the end of the first act? I know it's just supposed to be a lighthearted family comedy but wouldn't it be great if just for once a movie like this showed some real teeth. A VERY COOL CHRISTMAS is faily innocuous but, goodness gracious, what a mediocre movie that constantly contradicts its own softball message.

As much as this experience sucked I would still like to see George Hamilton star in another Christmas movie. This movie may have wasted the man with the million dollar tan's exquisite talents on this scanty Santy but I am convinced there is still gold to be mined from those hills. May I make a few proposals?

SUNTAN ON 34TH STREET
THE UV LIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
A CHRISTMAS LOTION
SANTA'S MAGICAL TANNING BED
I'M DREAMING OF A BRONZE CHRISTMAS
YULETIDE AT FIRST BITE
RUDOLPH'S COPPERTONE NEW YEAR
HAWAIIAN TROPIC'S JUG-BAND CHRISTMAS

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the salon
Not a creature was stirring, not even a swan
The tanning beds were set to a nice golden brown
In hopes that George Hamilton would be coming to town.

 

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE ACE VENTURA: WHEN NATURE CALLS