MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY & I PAID TO SEE JASON X

Folks, it's time for an annual tradition of mine. For those who do not know, I end each year with a top 10 movie list. However, I don't list my picks for the 10 best or worst films of the year. Nope, I end each year by doing the list of the 10 movies that I just absolutely put my foot down and refused to sit through. These are the 10 movies whose trailers alone were enough make me recoil in horror and convince me that I'd rather use hydrochloric acid for Visine then ever gaze my eyes up the entire movie. Considering that this year alone I sat through WHITE CHICKS, GARFIELD, and YOU GOT SERVED, that's really saying something about my feelings towards the movies that made my annual list of:

THE TOP 10 MOVIES I DIDN'T PAY TO SEE IN 2004 AND DAMMIT, I PLAN TO KEEP IT THAT WAY

10) NEW YORK MINUTE
9) SCOOBY DOO 2: MONSTERS UNLEASHED
8) CONNIE AND CARLA
7) THE WHOLE TEN YARDS
6) DIRTY DANCING: HAVANA NIGHTS
5) SOUL PLANE
4) MY BABY'S DADDY
3) YU-GI-OH! THE MOVIE
2) SUPERBABIES: BABY GENIUSES 2
1) TAXI

The movie that repelled me more than any other this year was TAXI, the trailer for which stalked me throughout most of the summer and every single time I saw the trailer I came to feel that much more repulsed. Jimmy Fallon makes my skin crawl. He's like the Chris Kattan's smarmier brother. Queen Latifah in comedies comes across like a hip hop version of Nell Carter. To watch the two of them in a buddy comedy, especially one that looked as painfully unfunny as that one did. I have to draw the line somewhere and TAXI is a cab I will never make the mistake of hailing.

Now some of you might be wondering why FAT ALBERT isn't on the list. That's because I have a feeling I'm going to subject myself to that one if for no other reason than because I was a fan of the cartoon as a kid and the plot has the cartoon characters coming out of the TV screen into the real world, a plot device that almost always guarantees catastrophe. If I don't break down and go see it, I'll just slot it in as a tie with MY BABY'S DADDY. There's no way it could have cracked the top three this year.

MSD3K

In the far and distant future
The year 3000 AD
There was a guy named Dracula
More evil than you or me
He lived on a spaceship that was adrift
Boarded by a salvage crew that got a hot tip
The rest of the movie is a total disgrace
Because they tossed out the script and shot it into space...

It's a really crappy movie
The worst I could find
I dared to sit and watch it all
And it totally blew my mind!
I promise that you'll regret it if you watch it my friend
Because you'll be praying for the sweet embrace of death
To make the agony end...

BAD MOVIE ROLL CALL
Casper
Tiny
Udo Kier
Coolioooo!

If you're wondering how this crap gets made
I really do not know
But I know I'll watch it anyway
So on with the show!

Time for Mystery Science Dracula 3000

I think I may have to retire from watching bad movies. The reason: DRACULA 3000. I do believe I have finally reached the zenith of bad filmdom. It left me speechless. It left me in a haze. I sat there in my recliner trying desperately to soak it in, to try and comprehend what the hell I had just witnessed. Honest. I'm not trying to embellish or be funny. It left me positively stupefied. I've never seen anything quite like it. I just sat there dumbfounded, so taken aback by the film that I needed to sleep on it before I attempted to write about it. When I awoke I still couldn't rack my brain to come up with any answers for the questions I was asking myself, but I did come to one conclusion regardless of what the truth may be:

DRACULA 3000 is a monumental achievement in cinematic stupidity!

No hyperbole. It's that off the charts bad. We're talking FUTURE WAR bad. Definitely one for the ages!

I knew D3K was going to be a real winner back when I first heard about it a year ago. Dracula in space starring Casper Van Dien, Erika Eleniak, Coolio, and Tiny Lister. The odds of the movie actually being any good were virtually non-existent yet I felt fairly confident that it was going to make for something noteworthy. Just look at the cast alone. I knew I was in for something special even if it was so for all the wrong reasons. I never imagined how right I would be this time.

Dracula in space - that's sounds easy enough. An intergalactic salvage crew finds a seemingly abandoned spaceship adrift in space. They board it and find the cargo hold is loaded with 50 coffins. Dracula begins picking them off one at a time and turning them into vampires. Again, sounds simple enough.

For about the first half hour it seemed as if the movie was going for a futuristic revamping of the Dracula novel combined with a touch of Alien. Then Coolio got turned into a wisecracking vampire that overacts in ways Marlon Wayans never dreamed of and characters start running around a spaceship trying to stab Dracula through the heart with pool sticks.

Was it supposed to be a comedy?

Was it just completely incompetent filmmaking?

Did the director intend for it to become this stunningly bad?

Did the director lose control of the production as the actors just started doing whatever the hell they wanted?

Did they toss out the script a quarter of the way in and decide to just improvise the rest of the movie?

Was there even a complete script to begin with?

Was everyone involved with the picture on a massive drug binge while shooting it?

What the hell happened?

DRACULA 3000 is a staggering work of such unbelievable idiocy and ineptitude that I could even envision Uwe Boll watching it in the comfort of his living room and muttering something along the lines of, "Vhat in dah hell iz dis sheet?" This thing makes PINATA: SURVIVAL ISLAND look like a richly nuanced film.

I should have known I was in for something of this magnitude just by looking at the label on the DVD box from the place I rented the movie.

That had to be an omen of some sort.

I gotta warn you right here. I not sure I can go into much details regarding the flick. It's all a giant blur. Like I said at the very beginning, my experience watching this film left me dumbfounded to the point of utter disbelief. I think my brain was so overloaded to the point that it short-circuited and was unable to fully take in everything as a whole. I remember certain scenes and some specific details with a great deal of clarity, but for the most part it's like when you wake up from a dream and can only remember bits and pieces. Most of this dream seemed to consist of people skulking through corridors.

D3K is most assuredly a skulking through corridors movie. How could I possibly forget all the scenes of people walking and running through those corridors? This is one of those outer space movies where all the sets appear to have been filmed either inside the hull of a ship or in an industrial basement. In this case, probably both. It's obvious the movie had very little budget and it's really obvious as little as possible went towards the sets. Heck, the computers and other electronic equipment seen in the movie look to be ten to twenty years out of date even by today's standards.

D3K begins with a "special appearance by…" Udo Kier as the captain of the Demeter spaceship. Kier is the captain of the Demeter and since he's been dead for 50 years he can only appear via video from his own personal Captain's Log. He pops up from time to time, primarily during the first act, to tell us about many of the strange happenings on board the vessel ever since they took off. They probably should have billed him in the opening credits as "Special Appearance by Udo Kier's upper torso" since you only ever see him from the chest up except for one fleeting moment where he's seen clutching a crucifix up to his stomach. I'm not even sure why they bothered getting a name actor for this role at all because the character he plays serves no real purpose other than to tell us and the other characters information they are easily able to figure out on their own. Most of the videos of him that pop up just repeat different variations of the same information. Only the first one amounts to anything, but since they paid him to appear in the movie they decided to get their money's worth.

I don't want to say that Udo Kier does a mediocre job but he delivers his lines as if he were a hostage being threatened with beheading. Perhaps they didn't pay him for his services after all? About the time the third one came up I began following Kier's eyes and I swear to god it looks at times likes he was reading from a cue card.

If the infidels do not leave Mesopotamia immediately...

So one of these video journal updates with Captain Udo Kier opens the movie with him looking directly into the camera and talking about how his crew has been stricken by a mysterious virus, which is later upgraded to vampirism. This first transmission we see is actually the final one he recorded as it ends with him getting all scared because… It's a blur.

I did like the fact that the director chose to film these video journal entries in a style showing distortions in the image in order to visualize that they were half a century old. You'd think video degeneration would be something they'd have found a remedy for come the year 3000.

We abruptly jump to a shot of the Mother III salvage ship accompanied by a voiceover from the incomparable Casper Van Dien, who proceeds to introduce us to the crew of his ship. It says a lot about the film's character development that he can't even come up with anything substantial to say about any of them, including himself.

Casper Van Dien is Abraham Van Helsing. Suddenly Hugh Jackman doesn't seem so bad. He's the captain of the Mother III and that really is about it to his character. The combination of his wardrobe and scruffy facial hair makes Van Dien look like the lovechild of Bob Fosse and David Hasselhoff in that abysmal Nick Fury movie. After watching this movie I have finally come to the conclusion that Casper Van Dien truly is the next generation of David Hasselhoff. Get this guy a record deal and tour of Germany, stat!

"The Professor" - That's his nickname. Real clever, huh? Professor of what is anyone's guess. Van Helsing tells us he's the smartest crewmember but not as smart as he thinks he is, which says a lot about the crew. He also wears glasses and is in a wheelchair. So in the year 3000 they still won't have a cure for nearsightedness and the fact that he's paralyzed from the waist down tells us that the whole stem cell research thing proved to be a colossal bust. Somewhere in heaven, Christopher Reeve quietly weeps.

Mina Murry - She's the navigator and apparently she's not very good at it, not that it matters since we never see her navigating anything. The fact that this is a Dracula movie and her name is Mina should tell you that she will become the object of Dracula's desire. However, this is DRACULA 3000 so therefore you would be incorrect.

"Humvee" - Yeah, another nickname. This is Tiny Lister's role. You should remember him as the President in THE FIFTH ELEMENT, Debo in FRIDAY, and Hulk Hogan's monosyllabic nemesis Zeus in NO HOLDS BARRED. What does Van Helsing tell us about Humvee? Basically that he's really strong and really dumb. So far Van Helsing seems to be establishing that his crew is comprised of blithering idiots. Despite his nickname being "Humvee", Van Helsing constantly calls him "Hummer" throughout the movie so either his nickname has a nickname or there's more to their relationship than this movie is letting on.

"187" - Yes, another nickname! This is Coolio's character and his nickname supposedly derives not from the hip hop slang term for murder but from his IQ, at least that's what his IQ was before he began "smoking everything in sight". We learn that in the year 2950 dope was legalized, which is why his on-screen bio states that he graduated from college with a "Masters in Recreational Horticulture". That is the only even remotely funny - at least intentionally funny - thing in the entire film. And folks, if you thought Marlon Wayans made your skin crawl in DUNGEONS & DRAGONS then brace yourself ready for Coolio in DRACULA 3000 as he single-handedly sets the black race back about 75 years.

Aurora Ash - Not a nickname. Just a stupid name. This is Erika Eleniak's character. She's the Vice Captain and a real bitch on wheels. We'll also learn shortly that she and Van Helsing are occasional bunkmates, not that it matters since it only comes up in throwaway dialogue later on.

Van Helsing got a hot tip about the location of a spaceship lost 50 years earlier called the Demeter, which has been spotted floating around the Carpathian solar system. According to Van Helsing, there is something odd about this ship because it seems to not be drifting aimlessly but has a set course - Earth. Remember that for later because a little later on I'm going to delve into some of the major story contradictions and there's a strong possibility that I may break down and cry before it's over with.

Mina is the first aboard the Demeter. Since they aren't sure if the air is safe to breath she has to wear a breathing apparatus and what a breathing apparatus it is. This is space exploration technology in the year 3000?

Most people don't know this but this was Lucas' original design for Jango Fett

She appears to be wearing a scuba facemask with huge hulking tubes leading from it to the air tanks, which are about five times smaller than your typical air tank. When you see the air tanks on her back it looks like they were designed for midget scuba divers. The air hoses are so large in comparison to the tanks themselves you would think one would end up inhaling all the oxygen from it in a matter of minutes. And for some reason the flashlight she's sporting reminds me of the gun from the Photon laser tag game.

Something darts behind her at super fast speed scaring the crap out of her. This is of course someone else's cue to jump out and scare the crap out of her. Enter Humvee. They determine the air is breathable and take off their masks. Immediately, Humvee starts gagging and looks to be on the verge of dropping dead. Mina freaks out and when she gets really close to him he pops up and sticks his tongue down her throat. She isn't happy. He makes jokes. Clearly, sexual harassment laws will no longer exist comes the year 3000.

The crew comes aboard and spends a good deal of time wandering around an industrial basement masquerading as a futuristic vessel. Oh, before coming aboard, 187 was showing sucking on this elaborate bong. Well, elaborate by today's standards but still highly unimpressive given what you would think bong technology would be like come the year 3000.

Everyone is a bit spooked because they can't even find any corpses of the previous crew and because something keeps darting in the background at superhuman speed. They finally find a corpse and given the way it's clutching a makeshift cross it must be the corpse of Udo Kier. Problem is, the corpse has long blonde hair. I get the distinct feeling that all the stuff involving Udo Kier was an afterthought because the actor and his rotting corpse don't seem to match.

Services for Lt. Paris Hilton will be held from 5 to 9

The Captain's corpse was also tied to the chair although I can't recall if they said he did it to himself - which really wouldn't make any sense - or if they believed someone else did it, a fact that also would require explaining the movie isn't about to start doing anytime soon. Again, a blur. Upon seeing the crucifix, Humvee asks what the deal is with the "plus sign". We come to learn that religion was abolished two hundred years earlier. Between that fact and the legalization of drug, it would seem that radical liberalism has taken hold, but then I remember Humvee getting away with sexual harassment earlier and realize that couldn't possibly be the case.

Speaking of socialism, the Soviet Union has apparently returned too because an old Soviet flag is hanging on the wall to indicate the Demeter's nationality. Somewhere in heaven, Ronald Reagan quietly weeps.

Somewhere in here, Van Helsing stumbles across another one of Captain Special Appearance By Udo Kier's video journal entries. We, the audience, have already had to sit through about half a dozen or more of these yet just one is all it takes for Van Dien to get the idea that something wiped out the crew. Like I said, they paid Udo Kier and they made sure they got their money's worth.

I know there is a lot more walking around and babbling going on in here but most of it is a blur.

Humvee and 187 head for the cargo hold hoping to find some valuables worth salvaging. Actually, just Humvee hopes that. 187 hopes to find something worth smoking because he hasn't had a fix in about five minutes. If ever there was a poster boy for why marijuana should never be legalized, this character is it. These two together also prove that today's hip hop slang will still be widely used even in the year 3000.

Much to their disappointment, the cargo hold is loaded with coffins. Very cheap looking coffins to be exact. They seem awfully shallow for coffins so I guess they were built specifically for Hollywood actresses and victims of famine. Upon a closer look, I do believe they are just a bunch of pine boxes sprayed red with metal hinges. You'd think post mortem technology would have improved greatly by the year 3000.

Here at Discount Coffin Emporium we pride ourselves on...

187 uses a crowbar… No, not a futuristic crowbar but an average, everyday crowbar you'd find in a hardware store today. It appears the only significant technological advance man will have accomplished come the year 3000 is interstellar travel.

Anyway, 187 pries open one of the coffins with an ordinary crowbar, cutting his hand in the process. Much to his disappointment, the coffin only contains some dirt and not something that can induce a feeling of wavy gravy. He wants to check more but wusses out due to having cut his hand so Humvee cracks one open by just stomping his foot through the lid only to find more dirt. Much to my disappointment, Tiny Lister didn't let out a monstrous roar upon doing so like when he stomped on Hulk Hogan's kid brother in NO HOLDS BARRED.

Again, things become a blur. Humvee went off to do his own thing and something caused Mother III to undock and drift off into space trapping them aboard the Demeter.

Then they heard a loud scream. Everyone rushes to the cargo hold and find 187 on the ground in a state of shock with a badly broken leg. The bone is literally sticking out through the flesh. This is also one of the only gory scenes in the movie.

They pick him up and take him to the recreation room. Well, that's what I dubbed the room. It has a pool table. Would it surprise you to know that pool table looks exactly like an ordinary pool table from our time? Of course not. A few go hunting for medical supplies, the others set his leg and discover two puncture marks on his neck.

This is where it happens. What started out as a seemingly straightforward sci-fi horror movie about Dracula in space goes just goes apeshit. Again, I have to ask, did they toss out the script? There's no way anyone will ever convince me that Coolio wasn't ad libbing his scenes because there's no way any self respecting writer or would intentionally have someone talk or act the way he does even if they intended for it to be a comedy. I just refuse to believe it.

187 opens his eyes revealing the most obvious colored contact lenses you'll ever see. Okay, Dracula has turned 187 into a vampire but did why did he break the guy's leg? It doesn't matter since he's miraculously healed. 187 pops up, reveals his fangs, and begins hissing. He clocks Van Helsing and gets in the Professor's face.

Remember when Coolio was actually considered a serious musical artist?

Coolio just goes completely insane. He starts acting like a hyperactive preschooler taunting another child. He flicks out his tongue. He waves his hands around in a spastic manner. He does this silly shuffle walk. He cackles and makes other incoherent noises. His overacting is so awful that it manages to be embarrassing, cringe-inducing, and mesmerizing all at the same time. Kind of a metaphor for the entire movie come to think of it.

It's as if Dracula has spawned some demonic creature that comes across like some drug-induced hybrid of Marlon Wayans and Evil Ed from FRIGHT NIGHT. In a way, it's almost refreshing to see that racial stereotypes will still be alive and well even in the year 3000. But somewhere in heaven, Martin Luther King Jr. quietly weeps.

Racist vampire caricature Suckin Fetchit

After momentarily behaving like he's on some sort of crystal meth trip, vampiric 187 knocks the Professor out of his wheelchair and begins stomping his paralyzed legs. I do believe it was about this point that my brain started short circuiting.

I take that back. Erika Eleniak's Aurora character shows up with an uzi of some sort thus proving that even in the year 3000 we'll still be using firearms straight out of a Golan-Globus production. 187 taunts her with lines of dialogue that… Just read for yourself.

"I ever tell you how many times I see you and want to ejaculate all over your bazonkas? Or the times I stayed up late, high as a kite in a non-gravitational atmosphere, while I stroked my anaconda and dreamed about your Snow White ass?"

Yes, I do believe that was the exact moment my brain broke.

There's some gunfire and 187 flees. Everyone is freaked out. 187 enters the coffin-filled cargo area hopping about like he's the black chupacabra and comes face to face with Dracula, who has finally tired of playing Road Runner in the background.

Sadly, he's still scarier than Richard Roxburgh's Dracula in VAN HELSING

This Dracula is a sight to behold. First of all, they have him wearing this vampire cape that looks practically cartoonish. It makes him look like the kind of Dracula that should be scaring ten year olds at the YMCA's Halloween haunted house. The fact that the guy playing Dracula looks more like a really mean waiter in an upscale restaurant than the lord of the vampires doesn't help either. When he flashes his fangs, he goes from looking like a mean waiter to looking like some sort of vampiric game show host. It's like a young Fred Willard has been turned into the prince of darkness. All you can do is shake your head. This Dracula is about as menacing looking as Judd Hirch's Dracula from The Night Dracula Saved The World. If you don't understand that last reference then consider yourself one of the lucky ones.

Dracula orders 187 to kill the others. Uh, I think that's what he was already trying to do. 187 hops off and Dracula goes to take an order from a table in the non-smoking section.

Again, things become a blur. I recall the professor watching as Mina was about to enter a room when suddenly 187 comes darting by and performs a human snatch and grab leaving the professor to lock himself in the room and completely goes to pieces.

Okay, Dracula traps Aurora in a hallway and is about to bite her on the neck, but the movie cuts away before we see it. Just for the record, we're about 45 minutes into the movie and there's only been about 90 seconds worth of Dracula so far.

Next thing you know, Aurora walks into a room with Van Helsing and Humvee and tells them of her encounter. She claims he didn't bite her and they find that hard to believe. They ask why he didn't bite her and she offers no explanation, which they find hard to believe. She starts telling us the history of the creature known as Dracula.

Forget what you read in the Bram Stoker novel, Dracula's name is Count Orlock and he actually hails from a planet of vampires in the Carpathian solar system. His race died out, I mean literally died out, and he's the last of his kind. He wants to get to Earth so that's he'll have plenty of people to feed on and use to repopulate his species. When Humvee asks what a vampire is, Aurora says the following.

"It's sort of like a man, but far more evil."

I've never heard the description of a vampire summed up so eloquantly. Seriously, were they making it up as they went along? Were they trying to make the movie as intentionally bad as can be? Just how much narcotics was being distributed on the set? It's like watching a car accident as it happens.

Not to be outdone is Humvee's reaction to the vampire happenings aboard the Demeter.

"All that bloodsuckin', that's some white people shit!"

Or his reaction when told that sunlight can kill vampires.

"You mean we can tan this bitch to death?"

Even if intended to be bad on purpose, this is just pitiful, yet so pathetic it's perversely entertaining. I couldn't take my eyes off it because I just knew cars were going to keep piling up on the freeway.

Van Helsing and Humvee want to know why he told her all this and didn't bother to bite her. She still has no explanation. They become convinced that she's been bitten somewhere on her body and decide to tie her up.

The movie then abruptly cuts to a shot of one of the corridors. Dracula just comes running past the camera, not at super speed but at regular human speed. This guy playing Dracula in that cape and costume just comes sprinting down the corridor past the camera like Forrest Gump on Halloween. And just as abruptly, the movie then cuts back to the previous scene. We were just shown this ridiculous three second shot of Dracula hauling ass down a hallway past the camera with no clue where he was going or why he was in a hurry to get there. I don't know whether to declare the director a nutcase or a genius.

See Drac. See Drac Run. Run, Drac, Run!

Aurora finally admits that Dracula didn't bite her because she's a cyborg. More specifically, she's an undercover narcotics officer policebot that was assigned to investigate the Mother III's crew. The idea that she's a police robot upsets Humvee more than the idea that she might be a vampire.

Let me get this straight. He went to bite her, found out she was not human, and then decided to casually tell her his life story before allowing her to go free?

Things turn into a blur again.

At some point, Van Helsing meets up with the paranoid professor and they look up Dracula on the internet where they learn that Abraham Van Helsing is a descendant of another Abraham Van Helsing, who defeated, destroyed, vanquished, or something along those lines Dracula back in the late 1800's. This means that the events in the Bram Stoker novel actually occurred.

Okay, let's go back over everything we've learned about Dracula so far and try to sort this mess out.

Van Dien finds it suspicious that the Demeter, which was found adrift in the Carpathian solar system, seems to be on a course for Earth even though it has been adrift for half a century. Kier explains that the Demeter had left Transylvania Station in the Carpathian solar system heading to Earth. Dracula reveals to Erika Eleniak that he comes from a planet of vampires in the Carpathian solar system that has gone dead and wants to get to Earth. Van Dien learns that he's a descendant from the Abraham Van Helsing immortalized in the Stoker novel and when the two eventually meet face to face, Dracula indeed recognizes the Van Helsing name as that of an old foe's. But... But... Wait a minute. They established that Dracula came from a vampire planet in the Carpathian solar system whose race has died and he wants to go to Earth. This same Dracula was supposedly on Earth already once before where he was defeated by the original Abraham Van Helsing. Does this mean Dracula was once on Earth and was defeated by the original Van Helsing and then somehow returned to his home planet only for his race to die out and now wants to return to Earth? But until the stuff about Van Dien's distant relative came up, the implication was that the events of the Bram Stoker novel had never taken place. What the hell? It doesn't add up at all. There's absolutely no logical continuity. HOUSE OF THE DEAD made more sense than this movie. I think I'm going to cry now.

Back to the blur and by now I hope everyone of you reading understands why my brain fried. I can't even recall the exact order of some of this stuff. I haven't been left feeling this groggy since I woke up after my gall bladder surgery. I could go for some morphine about now too.

187 turns up again and Van Helsing tries shooting him with a simple 20th century handgun. Humvee comes up behind him and stabs him through the heart with a pool cue and kills him. We soon come to learn that the only object aboard this ship in the year 3000 that is made of natural wood just happens to be the pool sticks. I'm actually watching a movie where people are running around a spaceship trying to kill vampires with pool sticks.

The professor is wheeling his way through one of the corridors when Dracula confronts him. Dracula tempts him with the possibility of being able to walk again if he accepts becoming a vampire. Teary eyed, the professor is about to take Dracula's offer when there's a loud noise off-camera, possibly a slamming door. Dracula is spooked and runs away. We never find out what the noise was or why it scared the crap out of him. Dracula just doesn't strike me as the type that should be getting frightened off by the sound of clanging metal.

Mina is found inside one of the coffins asleep having been turned into a vampire and so they drive a pool stick through her heart. As I said earlier, her name would lead you to think that Dracula would have some sort of fixation on her. Instead she's just an insignificant character that meets an insignificant fate. Honestly, I'm convinced that they either improvised most of the movie or the filmmakers just didn't give a damn.

Dracula and Van Helsing have their showdown. More like a staredown really. Dracula rambles on about wanting revenge against the Van Helsing family while being held at bay by a pool stick. All of sudden, Dracula begins shaking his head at superhuman speed and we cut to another scene. That other scene is a blur, much like Dracula's head became at the end of the scene. I know that feeling very well from watching this movie.

Aurora and Humvee eventually make their way to the cargo bay and find Van Helsing motionless on the ground amongst the coffins. They attempt to pick him up and he opens his eyes revealing his red contact lenses. He jumps on Humvee; Aurora rips the pool stick out of Mina's chest, and stakes him with it. Yes, this is how Casper Van Dien's character meets his demise. This was the point that I became convinced that they were actually improvising the movie because the production suddenly ran so low on funds they couldn't finish filming it the way they originally started out. That would actually explain a lot of things that have transpired.

Having the pool stick removed allows Mina to revive and attack them only to be killed again when Aurora holds her at bay with a plus sign and Humvee stakes her again with the pool cue. Apparently, having a wooden stake driven through their womb can kill female vampires. I say this because the trajectory of that pool stick looks a bit below the heart if you ask me.

Back alley vampire abortion gone horribly wrong!

Aurora and Humvee make their way into a room where they find the professor slumped forward in his wheelchair. Aurora just whips out a small jagged piece of a broken pool stick and repeatedly bludgeons him through the back of the heart. Fortunately, it turns out he was indeed a vampire, but how he became one will forever remain one of life's great mysteries. It's like whole scenes weren't even filmed.

Suddenly, one of the coffins in the cargo bay explodes. Your guess is as good as mine. Not surprisingly, things become a blur again.

Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve in Transylvania

Next thing I know, I'm watching Dracula try to get through this big metal door in order to get at Aurora and Humvee. It's the usual killer with his arm through the door while the potential victims try desperately to slam the door shut. I'll give Dracula some credit. He's a feisty little undead scamp. They succeed in shutting the huge metal door and somehow manage to sever Dracula's arm off in the process. What follows is something I will never forget.

Dracula screaming like a bitch

You've heard the term "screaming like a bitch" before? Well, this is the real thing. Dracula is literally sitting there looking at where his severed arm should be and screaming like a little bitch. It goes on for about 10-15 seconds but it seems much longer. I sit here at the keyboard perplexed as to how to best describe this moment. I'm at a complete loss of adjectives. That wailing... The rocking back and forth... I've never seen a monster movie where the monster was reduced to a scene like this. It's... Wow.

I missed much of the ensuing dialogue between Aurora and Humvee since I was still trying to mentally recover from Dracula's screaming fit. They decide to self destruct the ship or crash it into a nearby sun or something. I just know they decide they're going to have to sacrifice their lives in order to destroy Dracula. Humvee reluctantly goes along. Aurora then reveals that before becoming a copbot, she was a pleasurebot, and since they're going to die very shortly they might as well get their freak on one last time. Humvee thanks the Lord, picks her up over his shoulder, and stomps off. WTF?!?!

I haven't always been a good Christian, but if you could just get me out of this movie...

The director then goes nuts with the camera, whizzing backwards through the corridors until we're outside the Demeter, which we see moving forward towards what appears to be a sun. Suddenly, the ship explodes and the closing credits immediately begin to roll.

That's it. That's the end of the movie. Seriously, I have to know. Did they just run out of money at the end? Dracula is left screaming hysterically after having his arm lopped off by a big metal door and the last surviving characters decide to destroy the ship and celebrate their final moments by going off and doing the nasty?

Oh, but it's not quite over. After the credits finish, Tiny Lister walks up to the camera with Erika Eleniak over his shoulder. He slaps her on the ass and says...

"Now that's what I'm talkin' 'bout!"

Clearly the whole movie must have been some sort of colossal joke, but the real joke is on the viewer. You know what? For the sake of my mental health, I'm just going to stop thinking about DRACULA 3000. My brain can take no more. I'll just say this. I honestly can't recommend anyone go out and rent it but if you really want to see something that achieves an almost unprecedented level of badness… Using the Fujita scale, DRACULA 3000 reaches the F5 of bad filmdom. As far as I'm concerned, this is right up there with MANOS, THE HANDS OF FATE. What the hell were they thinking?

Watching DRACULA 3000 was like slowing down to get a good look at a car accident that has just occurred but the car accident suddenly turned into a 40 car pile-up and then a Boeing 747 just dropped from the sky right into the middle of it all obliterating everything in a cataclysmic ball of fire. Wow.

I suspect it is going to be a long time before I come across a new movie that is as bad as this was. But I know deep down it will happen sooner or later. Guess I'm gonna have to postpone that retirement.

Whoa! That was such a kick ass party! I'm like totally wasted, dude!

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY & I PAID TO SEE VAN HELSING