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B-WARE 2005 B-INFORMED! B-WARNED!
We now bid goodbye to production companies and move on to specific categories of film. First up, prehistory is back and looking for revenge!
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you THE STONEMAN...
Suffice it to say, this is a low budget direct-to-video venture. As a matter of fact, it was made about 2-3 years ago and has been sitting around waiting for someone at the American Film Market to snatch it up and release it. For all I know, The Stoneman could be the single worst movie ever made but I'd never be able to bring myself to truly hate it because it has quite possibly the most impressive cast since IT'S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD. Just look at this roll call: "Mr.
Miyagi" Pat Morita And the Stoneman himself is played by the guy best remembered as "Tower" on American Gladiators. My heavens, that's not the cast for a movie. No, that's the line-up for an 80's themed "Where are they now?" episode of Hollywood Squares. I can't even read that cast line-up without being compelled to yell, "I'll take Bernie Kopell to block!" "Professor Stevens (Morita), on a university grant, has brought back from an exploration of the upper Amazon ungle a mummified missing link, carbon dated at over a million years old, and perfectly preserved in clay-like earth. Professor Stevens close friend, TV reporter Kip Hollings (Atkins) is allowed to be at the uncrating of his discovery and witnesses an altercation between Stevens and his arch rival, Dr. Milano (Kopell), who claims the ancient figure is a clever hoax. Kip discovers professor Anna Weston (Riker) and is struck by her beauty. Meanwhile The Stone Man is awakened from his suspended animation and escapes by killing the lab assistant. The city is terrified by a rash of unexplained murders, all the bodies bitten and chewed. The race is on, between the police, who think some kind of large animal is doing the killing, and Stevens, who suspects the horrifying truth." And in the interest of type casting, Haskins plays the college dean while Mannetti and Masak are cops investigating the murders. I don’t know about you but I for one cannot wait for February 22nd to arrive. An R-rated slasher movie version of EEGAH! with a cast that reads like a TV Land "Where Are They Now?" special – I am so there! But wait, he isn’t the only psychopathic Flintstone coming our way!
On June 7th, yet another once frozen neanderthal will be discovered, woken up, and sent on a killing spree. Only this time instead of a stone man it’ll be an ICE QUEEN. This time a hideous Ice Age hag discovered perfectly frozen in amber down in the Amazon… Wait, didn’t I just type this very premise just a few moments ago? Aside from the sex change it sounds awfully familiar. Maybe she and the Stone Man were married? Anyway, the plane carrying the extraordinary find crashes near a snowy mountain resort and faster than you can say "ENCINO MAN sucked!", the prehistoric she-witch comes back to life and starts killing off every modern man that gets in her way. Sounds to me like this one will be a bloody combination of GIANT FROM THE UNKNOWN and SNOWBEAST. Hey, if we’re really lucky then maybe we’ll eventually get a STONEMAN VS. ICE QUEEN flick. I can dream, can’t I? Hey, why should the cave people get to have all the fun? How about some dino savagery? Since Roger Corman stopped making CARNOSAUR sequels and spin-off movies that are primarily composed of scenes taken from the CARNOSAUR films, we've all been waiting for someone else to pick up where Corman left off and give us some low budget T-Rex wannabe dino action. It appears that special effects maestro John Carl Buechler is going to be that person. Buechler is set to direct TOTAL REX, a science fiction flick about a Tyrannosaurus Rex that discovers his life isn't what it seems to be and has to go to Mars to discover the truth. Okay, I'm making that up. TOTAL REX is actually about a group of scientists that successfully clone a T-Rex only to have it get loose and go on a man-eating rampage. Hmmm...That sounds a little familiar. Among the actors on the T-Rex's menu are CANDYMAN's Tony Todd, THE HOWLING's Dee Wallace Stone, and an awful lot of crap's Jeff Fahey. I don't know if the movie will be good or bad, but the possibility of seeing Jeff Fahey getting devoured by a T-Rex certainly intrigues me. I'm of the impression that Buechler will be handling the special effects himself and hopefully that means he won't just be reusing the dino he created for the Carnosaur films. Otherwise, they might as well just call it CARNOSAUR 4 and be done with it. Personally, I just hope TOTAL REX turns out better than Bueschler's last stint in the director's chair, the really lame killer prehistoric trilobyte movie ICE CRAWLERS. Then again, that movie didn't have the prospect of seeing Jeff Fahey getting eaten alive, which is always a plus in my book. But the T-Rex isn't the only prehistoric beast headed towards the small screen. Unless you count RODAN, there has never really been a monster movie where the pterodactyl was given the starring role. Even in JURASSIC PARK 3, the pterodactlys were just a side nuisance encountered in between run-ins with raptors and the Spinosaurus. When not scooping up a prehistoric bikini clad Racquel Welch or serving as The Flintstone's record player, pterodactyls usually find themselves taking a backseat to more popular movie dinosaurs like T-Rex and the velociraptors. At long last, the pterodactyls' time has come courtesy of veteran director Mark L. Lester. You probably don't recognize his name right off hand but it's hard to imagine you aren't familiar with some of his more well known films like COMMANDO, FIRESTARTER, CLASS OF 1999, ROLLER BOOGIE(!), and SHOWDOWN IN LITTLE TOKYO. In recent years, Lester has formed his own production company called American World Pictures, which has specialized in mostly direct-to-video fare like the upcoming Satan's Little Helper. Lester's latest stint in the director's chair is quite simply titled PTERODACTYL and it sounds like it has a rather simple plot too. "A dormant volcano in a South American jungle holds within it a deadly secret. Perfectly preserved, a nest of ancient dinosaur eggs are finally ready to hatch... When they do, the consequences for mankind could be dire. Past and present collide as a special ops military unit battles an enemy unlike any they've ever seen before..." I'm guessing it turns out to be a pterodactyl. If not, then the title of the movie is one hell of a swerve. And finally, for those of you that loved that crapfest SABRETOOTH, the Sci-Fi Channel has a sequel in the works entitled NIGHT OF THE SABRETOOTH. "A pair of cloned sabretooth tigers get loose in an amusement park/zoo and terrorizes a group of unsuspecting college students." Oh joy, twice the mediocre CGI with a scenario straight out of any given slasher flick. Somethings are better left extinct. Contrary to what many skeptics and debunkers will tell you, Bigfoot is indeed alive and well - and apparently seriously pissed off! But why is Bigfoot so pissed all of a sudden? Is it because he's fed up with deathbed confessions by hoaxers? Is he sick to death of the media ridiculing people that claim to have seen him? Is he fed up with man's destruction of the environment and joined the Earth Liberation Front? Is he still smarting over that movie falling through several years ago that would have let him kickbox the bejeezus out of Jean Claude Van Damme? We may never know for sure. Bigfoot has always been rather press-shy and not one to give interviews so once again we're left to speculate on our own. More than likely the chip on Bigfoot's massively hairy shoulder probably has something to do with his sudden pop culture resurgence and the creative people behind it that have decided that the era of the peaceful, nature lovin' Sasquatch is over. Now Harry wants to kill the Hendersons. And most importantly, we're going to get not one, but two angry killer Bigfoot flicks next year. First up is ABOMINABLE. Simply put, imagine Hitchcock's REAR WINDOW set out in the woods. In place of Jimmy Stewart in a wheelchair spying on the apartment across the way you have Matt McCoy in wheelchair spying on the cabin across the way. Like Stewart, he too witnesses a murder only these murders he peeps are committed by the one and only Sasquatch. Unlike Hitchcock's REAR WINDOW, the people in the cabin just happen to be partying college students. It must be tradition or something. In addition to Matt McCoy, ABOMINMABLE also features Dee Wallace Stone, Jeffrey Combs, and rapidly rising scream queen Tiffany Shepis. I suppose we'll have to wait for the movie to find out why Bigfoot here is suddenly on a killing spree. It's also too bad the movie will more than likely go direct-to-video because it has the best poster art to come along in a long time. The filmmakers contacted the guy that did the posters for movies like the Indiana Jones films and he actually said yes.
Now enter independent filmmaker Bob Gray, a guy that has spent about the last 20 years directing television shows for the E! Network, Home Shopping Network, ESPN, and Fox Sports, who has just wrapped filming the movie BIGFOOT in his hometown of Mentor, Ohio. It seems his Bigfoot has migrated from the forests of the Pacific Northwest to the woods and marshlands of Northeastern Ohio for this one. Yet even in Ohio, poor Bigfoot can't catch a break as continued deforestation and ever-developing urban sprawls are destroying his natural habitat. This forces Bigfoot to follow in the footsteps of Steven Seagal in ON DEADLY GROUND by brutally killing the thoughtless rapists of Mother Nature. But unlike Seagal in that film, Bigfoot isn't supposed to be the good guy, and I presume the film will not end with Sasquatch standing before the Ohio legislature giving a long-winded speech denouncing corporate America. Seriously though, BIGFOOT is about a career soldier that returns to his Ohio home after being discharged for assaulting a commanding officer. He soon finds himself aiding in the investigation of a series of forest animal mutilations that culminates in a confrontation with a very real, very large, and very pissed Bigfoot. "It is a scary film. He kills everybody. But the comedy offsets the horror," writer/director Gray promises.
But it seems the prospect of a Bigfoot horror movie, even one with elements of tongue-in-cheek humor, isn't sitting well with a few Bigfoot enthusiasts, who perhaps take themselves and the subject of their research a little too seriously. "I got one email from a Bigfoot supporter who was very angry that my movie monster is a killer and not the nut-munching monster oaf that most believe it is," Gray said. "Mine is a demonlike, cunning monster." Believe it or not, they're actually trying to organize a protest and boycott against his movie. Pissed off Bigfoot enthusiasts angry over the media's portrayal of a malicious Sasquatch in the movies sounds like it would make the subject of a great documentary. Casper Van Dien - The Man, The Myth, The Legend! As far as I am concerned, the man is the second coming of David Hasselhoff.. All he needs is a singing contract in Germany and the torch will have been past. For now, these films will have to do. THE FALLEN ONES - Archaeologist Matt Fletcher uncovers a hidden tomb containing the mummy of a giant that's been buried since the time of the great flood in the Bible. Now, Matt has to stop a Fallen Angel who has come to earth to revive the giant and bring about a new age of these terrible creatures!
Casper Van Dien, Robert Wagner, and Tom Bosley - together at last! From the director of FROST: PORTRAIT OF A VAMPIRE, easily one of the worst movies I've ever endured. Regardless, the prospect of Casper Van Dien battling a 40-foot mummy makes this a must see! PREMONITION
-
After a violent car wreck nearly takes his
life, Detective Jack Barnes begins having inexplicable and terrifying
premonitions of horrible disasters. At first his warning calls go
unheeded, but as the premonitions begin to come true Jack is shocked
to find himself wanted for questioning by the FBI. He goes on the
run, narrowly avoiding both the FBI and a band of terrorists on the
verge of unleashing a deadly attack. As he scrambles to unlock the
meaning of the visions, he must race against the clock to stop the
terrorists before they can strike again. Starring America's
sweethearts Casper Van Dien & Catherine Oxenberg. I've got a headache from just reading that description. Man, that sounds like a guaranteed trainwreck. That plot is so Hasselhoffian it isn't funny. And for those unaware, Catherine Oxenberg happens to be the current Mrs. Van Dien, which explains why she's often appearing in his films. How else would Catherine Oxenberg get work? HOLLYWOOD
FLIES -
A road trip from Las Vegas to Los Angeles
for a young Italian brother and sister turns into a terrifying yet
exhilarating plunge into an underworld of psychopaths, starlets, crazies,
and hit-men. Starring "Future OD Victim" Brad
Renfro, "Supermodel turned Actress" Caprice, and "His
Van Dieness" Casper Van Dien. SKELETON MAN - "Watch your topknot Soldier Blue. Cotton Mouth Joe, he's a coming for you." High in the swirling mists of the Appalachian wilderness, crack commandos have been disappearing whilst on maneuvers. A team of elite operators are sent in to investigate. What they find is an unseen enemy so terrifying, so unimaginably deadly that only the sheer determination to survive will keep them going. Hunting in the desolate hills for over four hundred years the Skeleton Man is the ancient horror that has come to visit, and he's not going to leave without a fight. Did that make any sense because reading it sure left me confused. Let's try the IMDB version. A co-ed group of Special Forces agents search the wilderness for a predator type creature that has been on a killing spree. Model types hunt a Predator-type creature named Cotton Mouth Joe? Sure, why not?
Technically, this was a Nu Image production but it seems that they may have disowned it since it was originally set for release on DVD in March of 2004 only it never came and seemingly fell off the face of the planet. Another surefire sign of the film's potential wretchedness is the fact that the director made the producers takes his name off the film after seeing the dailies and realizing he didn't want his name associated with the production in any way, shape, or form. Try to imagine how bad this movie must be when you conside how much crap has been released with the names of the people responsible proudly displayed. Then think about how abominable a film must be that even Nu Image won't release it. SUBMERGED - A submarine crew is trapped at the bottom of the ocean after cases of a biological agent are broken. The crew must fight against the mutated creatures that are attacking them, a U.S. Destroyer that has turned against them, and traitors from within. Steven Seagal monster movie! Those are four words I’ve always wanted to write. When I first heard about Steven Seagal starring in an undersea monster movie I was hoping that meant I’d get to see him grab a giant squid, flip it to the ground, and snap its tentacles. Directing the movie is none other than Anthony Hickox, who most of you probably know as the director of WARLOCK THE ARMAGEDDON, HELLRAISER III: HELL ON EARTH, the werewolf cops flick FULL ECLIPSE, and the WAXWORKS films. Even Gary Daniels is along for the ride. And if any of you think this seems like a step down for Steven Seagal then let me remind you of his movie TICKER. Once you’ve done an Albert Pyun film there’s no place to go but up. I can’t help but to wonder if these “mutated creatures” are of the 28 DAYS LATER zombie variety or of the full on, glowy-eyed C.H.U.D. variety. This is without question the must see movie of 2005! THE DEFENDER - The directorial debut of Dolph Lundgren starring Lundren as a secret service agent out to protect the President of the United States from who knows what. The actual plot doesn't matter because the President is being played by Jerry Springer and that alone makes this one worth a rental. THE HILLZ - The Hillz is a surreal look at four teenage boys coming of age. This slice-of-life action drama is set in an affluent neighborhood of present-day America. The story chronicles these teenagers' pursuit of respect, friends, girls, and the almighty dollar (aka STATUS). After a year away at college, our hero, Steve (Jesse Woodrow) returns home to find his friends haven't changed, but his old neighborhood is remarkably different. A stellar athlete, Steve is on a high from recently winning the College World Series. He's got his future and he knows it: girls, money and a sure top-ten pick in the Major League draft. The only thing missing is the only thing he can't have: the gorgeous Heather Smith (Paris Hilton). On a mission to win Heather over, Steve finds himself up against Heather's seemingly perfect boyfriend, Todd (Jason Shaw). To make matters worse, Steve discovers his beautfiul suburban hills have been turned into an ultra-violent drug zone, controlled by his own high school friends. The ruthless gang is led by the sadistic Duff (Rene Heger), Steve's best friend and most loyal supporter. In an effort to get what they want, and with no adult supervision, they are left to their own devices, which more often than not lead to dangerous results. The
Hillz follows the roller coaster ride of these teenagers, who are
similar to any kid in America, as they experience marginality, popularity
and destruction while searching for love, power and a place in society. Dead lord, this sounds so pretentiously bad that it has unintentional comedy written all over it. But the fact that it stars Paris Hilton instantly makes me want to burn the negatives of the movie, preferably in the same fire being used to burn that stupid spoiled whore at the stake. Just for the record, the only reason she's even in this movie is because she was boning one of the co-stars at the time. I'm amazed there isn't a porno available of the two of them.
KRAAL - Something unknown, unseen. Something that has eluded human detection by never venturing from its deep, grassland habitat. Something that is trapped by the Kraal (a Boer word meaning 'an enclosure for livestock'), preying on anything that strays into its territory. This is the legend that surrounds the Kraal, but as a group of friends discover to their detriment, the horror hidden within the grass is far from being a legend. A contemporary horror at its most intense, Kraal is a film that will terrify from the eerie opening scene to its unexpected and harrowing end. This is an Australian production budgeted at $11 million, which is rather high by Australian standards. I'm actually curious to see how this one turns out. KRAAL is a great word to be used as a horror movie title. It just sounds perfectly sinister. Now if only some Aussie filmmaker would go out an make a movie based on the Yowie. CEMETARY GATES - Two eco-activists "liberate" a ravenous mutated lab animal into a woodland cemetery where a group of college students are filming a movie project. Cemetery Gates is a homage to the killer animal films of the '70s with a modern sensibility. The mutated animal in question is a mutated Tasmanian Devil. Starring in the movie is Reggie Bannister of PHANTASM fame. The trailer has direct-to-video written all over it but hopefully this one will prove to be of the FRANKENFISH variety and not a complete waste of time CEMETARY
GATES TRAILER (Quicktime Format) GAME
BOX 1.0 The arrival of a mysterious package catches Charlie's interest. Inside, Charlie discovers a new video game system with a wireless headset and a strange looking camera. Putting on the headset, Charlie is amazed to hear the game introduce itself as GameBox 1.0, the ultimate gaming experience. It instructs him to photograph his friends who will then become characters in the game. Intrigued, Charlie chooses Ronald Hobbes as the villain. "Once you begin", says GameBox 1.0, "you won't be able to quit." Fascinated, Charlie presses START . . . Charlie is shocked to discover himself fully immersed in an incredible 3-D game world. There he meets the villain Ao Shun, a Samurai warrior with the face of Ronald Hobbes. Charlie is up to the challenge. But the game takes an unexpected turn when Charlie finds himself face to face with a character named Princess, who looks and sounds just like his lost girlfriend Kate. Shaken up and confused, Charlie realizes that memories have been extracted from his mind. Then suddenly things get worse when Charlie is shot and the sensation of pain is all too real! Charlie QUITS the game but suffers from frightening hallucinations, unable to distinguish between the real world and the world of the game. Slipping into a coma, he finds himself trapped in the game against his will. His only way back to reality is to play and win. Charlie
must utilize all his expert gaming skills to navigate through the
dangerous streets of a crime-ridden city, a zombie infested forest,
and a war zone on an alien planet. He and Princess struggle to stay
a few steps ahead of Ao Shun's relentless pursuit. After many battles
with street thugs, zombies, and aliens, Charlie will have to face
Ao Shun in a final confrontation. In the end, in order to win . .
. he will have to choose between the one he loves and life itself.
GAME BOX 1.0 (Quicktime Format) THE HELIX... LOADED - In a world where packaged enlightenment is available through course study, a band of free thinkers is out to break free. Join Nuvo, Infiniti, and Theo in their madcap adventures as they hunt for enlightenment and freedom with help from The Helix. What is The Helix? Just take the green Gummy Bear and find out. A spoof of THE MATRIX and it stars Vanilla Ice? I do believe this has the potential to become this generation's SILENCE OF THE HAMS. THE HELIX... LOADED WEBSITE & TRAILER FOREST
OF THE DAMNED -
There is a myth that in the heart of Miranda Forest there dwell
beautiful nymph creatures that were once angels. Thrown out of heaven
after they became infected with human emotions of lust and sexual
desire they now roam the forest, luring in unsuspecting victims with
their beauty before seducing them and then gruesomely killing them.
Now six teenagers are going to discover that there is more to this
story than just myth. Horny naked vampire women - further proof that God hates sex. Stars f/x master Tom Savini and between this and VICIOUS it seems he's on a quest to make us hate him. STINGER - For nearly two months, the USS Newark, carrying an experimental, top-secret military cargo, has been lost at sea. When the sub is finally discovered sixty miles off the coast of California, the government, eager to regain the lost cargo, assembles a highly-accomplished salvage team, accompanied by Dr. Carly Ryan - head of the original project - and her assistant. Unaware of the danger lurking within the sub, the team is sent in to recover the cargo and determine the cause of the ship's disappearance. Their search quickly reveals that most of the sub's original crew is dead – mutilated and dismembered – and that there is a low-level radiation leak emitting from the ship's reactor. A single sailor, however, is found alive, driven insane by his time at sea trapped upon the damned Newark. His half-mad tale of carnage and monstrosities is substantiated as members of the recovery team begin to fall to the terrifying dwellers of the stranded sub. Subjected to tortuous interrogation by the crew, Dr. Ryan reluctantly discloses the startling secret of Project: Tiamat (named for the Babylonian Goddess that gave birth to scorpion warriors): several scorpions were genetically enhanced into an exceptionally adaptive form of biological warfare. With this startling revelation, the rescued seaman and the remaining members of the recovery crew must overcome a seemingly inexhaustible number of scorpions, which have been further mutated by the ship's leaking radiation. Through it all, a strange rash on Seaman Thompson's back unnerves Dr. Ryan. The mutation process has begun . . . This is the unofficial sequel to TAIL STING, the big mutated scorpions on a plane flick of which I do believe I am only one of about a dozen people alive that actually liked it. Judging by the trailer they appear to have ditched the comical elements of the previous movie in favor of a sort of ALIENS on a submarine scenario. I do have to give props to whoever came up with that hilarious promo art.
SURVIVING THE 21ST CENTURY - A Drooling, weevil headed mutant is burrowing up through your bathroom floor...your kindly neighbor has metamorphosed into an enormous skull, and he's floating in front of your TV...a small family of Russian peasants has moved into your laundry basket...your daughter's under her bed and won't come out 'til you agree to send he rto Mr. Floops Clown School AND you found THEY really are watching your house...you need guidance, you need to learn how to SURVIVE THE 21ST CENTURY! An incoherent paragraph describing a motion picture... an actual typo in the description from the film distributor's website... a movie that seems to be trying to hard to be surreal... a gag so lame you become bored with it after only four sentences... DOMINATOR: THE ANIMATED MOVIE - When all-girl rock band CrowCut accidentally hit the legendary Lost Chord during a rehearsal, they pull to Earth the Dead Lord Of Rock 'n' Roll himself -- Dominator! Pursued by Lady Violator, Extricator and Decimator, three fellow demons sent by the new ruler of Hell, Lord Desecrator, Dominator and the girls find themselves in a fight to the finish with the survival of Earth itself at stake. Aided by half-human, half-demon bounty hunter Hellkatt, and the mysterious Dr. Payne, Secretary of the Grand Order Of Undertakers, Dominator and co. raise Hell On Earth with the aid of a few occult-powered guitars with thanks to The Darkness, Cradle Of Filth, Matter, SikTh and Killing Mode!
Well, the plot certainly sounds imaginative. Oh, did I mention this is the first all-CGI animated movie to ever come out of Britain. That's because this is based on a British comic book. Word is the computer animation is rather primitive so expect more Beast Wars: Transformers than Pixar. Nonetheless, this sounds so ridiculous on a SPINAL TAP scale that I'm chomping at the bit to see it for myself. I just hope it proves to be more entertaining that that miserable LADY DEATH anime flick. CRUSHBALL
- Apart from the fact that she looks different
from the rest of her family, Kay is a normal happy 20 year old, who
enjoys fighting with her sister Suzy, a computer whiz and her brother
Mike, a star Dodgeball player. Ever since their father Robert disappeared
several years ago, their mother Sally had taken over the household.
One day, Mike discovers the secret behind Robert's disappearance and
embarks a pursuit for the truth. Kay soon learns the truth that this
all has to do with her past links to the Lee clan (an underground
clan behind the deadly game of CRUSHBALL). Her endurance is tested
to the limit in her first game. She's up against the Death God, Jin,
the most powerful and destructive player in the game. You really need to look at the trailer for this one yourself. This Japanese/US co-production is supposed to be a hybrid of live action and anime but it ends up looking more like some sort of hodgepodge of a cheap post-apocalyptic action movie, dimestore anime, and a Nike commercial. On top of that, it's only 65 minutes long, which leads me to believe that we will never see this one unless they film another 15-20 minutes to make the movie feature length. Check out the official website for more details.
SWARMED - From the director of SNAKEHEAD TERROR comes this new Sci-Fi Channel production about genetically evolved yellowjacket wasps run amok in a small U.S. town, leaving dead swollen townsfolk in their wake. Stars the leggy Carol Alt and the leathery Tim Thomerson. I hope the tagline will be "You'll be swollen with fear!" Let's see bees, wasps, flies, mosquitos, locusts, yellowjackets. Just about covers them all. Now all we need is dragonflies and hornets. THE
SNAKE MAN - Director Ron Ford describes the film as follows:
"A man becomes a reptile creature due
to an accident. He shuns society and hides in the deep forest. One
day he rescues a woman who is wounded and dying. He gives her some
of his DNA to save her life. She lives, but the reptile DNA starts
to change her. Their relationship is the center of the story. That's
all I really feel comfortable giving away. -- It's a love story. A
love story with monsters. And gore. Ripping arms. Heads torn off.
Spilling guts. Eyeballs hanging out. Something for every member of
the family." Break Grandma out of the rest home because it's time for some good old fashioned, family friendly mutilation! This promises to be the greatest human-reptilian love story since Nikki Cox and Bobcat Goldwait. SEX & CONSEQUENCES - When Sam Taylor meets Lisa Wayne he experiences every 18-year old guy's ultimate fantasy: no-strings-attached sex with a beautiful, uninhibited older woman. However, as the summer between high school and college wears on, Sam learns that when it comes to sex there are always strings attached. Sam unwittingly becomes a pawn in Lisa's twisted emotional game with her uptight police officer husband. She uses her affair with Sam to taunt her husband, manipulating him into a final confrontation. And here I thought the direct-to-video erotic thriller of the early 1990's had all but died out. They even unpacked Joan Severance from mothballs to star in this one with Corbin Bernsen as her perpetually seething with rage husband. Now if only someone would make ANIMAL INSTINCTS: THE NEXT GENERATION because the world needs a new Shannon Whirry. SEX & CONSEQUENCES TRAILER (Quicktime Format)
BIG BIRD No, this is not something I photoshopped. This is an actual low budget monster movie from Thailand. Fangoria mentioned it on their site. That's all I know. Believe me, I do want to know more. There is no other info about it online that I've been able to find. I so have a bad feeling it may turn out to just be a really lame monster spoof.
GET
GOOSED
- A touching yarn about an elderly Native
American man who has given up on life until he's befriended by a Canada
goose, and his spark of life is rekindled. Good God Almighty! The road to Hell is paved with movies like this. After watching the trailer I feel rather confident saying there is no spark of life in the lead actor waiting to be rekindled. That goes for all the actors involved. This looks one of those homemade productions that sets out to make a nice earnest family flick but fails miserably. The acting alone is so pitiful I'd be willing to bet it never gets any kind of release. If this film ever actually sees the light of day I'll befriend a Canada goose. And finally, these next three movies come to us from the great nation of Germany and once again prove that the best days of German cinema are long since gone. Here we have a dopey animal movie, a Harry Potter knock-off, and slapstick spoof of Star Trek. I present these next three without commentary by me because no goofy comment I make could possibly do them justice. The descriptions speak for themselves. SERGEANT PEPPER - Felix's parents are worried. He is six years old and instead of playing with other kids, he hides in a tiger costume all day, invites no one but a turtle to his birthday party, insists that his stuffed animals are talking to him and has not a single human friend to speak of - nor does he want one. But everything changes the day Sergeant Pepper enters Felix's life. After discovering what seems to be a lost little dog hiding in the backyard, Felix soon learns that there is much more to this cute canine than meets the eye. Pepper has inherited a fortune from his old master, and he has a very special gift: he can talk to children who believe in miracles. Unfortunately, the master's heirs would kill to get their hands on Pepper's house and Pepper is in dire need of some human help. As Felix finds out what it's like to have a real friend, he gets ready to face the world on its own terms, bravely teaming up with his big sister for an adventurous journey to save the life of his new pal.
BIBI BLOCKSBERG AND THE SECRET OF THE BLUE OWLS - Bibi Blocksberg has spent far too much time on wizardry - and far too little on her studies. Since her math notes are abysmal, she is forced to spend summer vacation in the all-work-no-play boarding school of Altenberg Castle. The school principal is an oddball who is trying to solve the mystery of Altenberg, and Bibi's roommate Carina, a Britney Spears clone, is a total pain. Luckily, Bibi soon makes friends with her classmate Elea, who has been in a wheelchair since an accident. Of course, Bibi wouldn't be Bibi if she didn't try to help Elea walk again - even though her witch's codex expressly forbids her to intervene in human lives. But when she hears the tale of a miraculous owl power, she sets out to find some in the caves of Altenberg. But someone else also knows about the magical powers of the blue powder: Bibi's archenemy Rabia von Katzenstein. In a dramatic escape, the wicked witch flees from the Dread-Marsh, where she was serving a five-year sentence with her cat Maribor. Silently, maliciously, she sneaks up on the Blocksbergs, the family she hates with a passion...
DREAMSHIP SURPRISE: PERIOD 1 - Space in the year 2304: in a UFO that crash-landed in the Nevada desert 300 years ago, mankind found the scientific guidelines which were used to colonize Mars half a century later. Now the descendants of the first colonists are on their way back to Earth. Led by their unbelievably wicked Regulator Rogul and his unbelievably even more wicked disciple Jens Maul, they are up to no good. In fact, the Martians are planning to subjugate the blue planet to the red one. With a huge array of spaceships, a conquest of Earth seems imminent. And only the crazy crew of Dreamship Surprise can 'help': Captain Kork, engineer Shrotty and first officer Mr. Spuck. But instead of fighting intergalactic crime, they're busy with their choreography for the upcoming 'Miss Waikiki Pageant'. With the help of the space cowboy and taxipilot Rock, they set out to save the earth from invasion ... INDEX We finally arrive at the very last section, devoted to the American Film Market, an annual convention so to speak where movie distribution companies gather together to try and sell their films to the international market. In some cases, they presell the movie to foriegn markets in order to guarantee funding for the film. As is sometimes the case, certain movies announced at AFM never even get made because they are unable to secure funding and/or distribution deals or the deals fall through. Yet other movies are put up for sale several years in a row until they finally secure the deal they are looking for. Some never do and never see the light of day because of it. Suffice it to say, the majority of the films marketed at AFM are not Hollywood blockbusters, but low budget independant features. AFM is closed to the general public but information about the movies being touted are listed on many websites in the form of brief one or two line synopis along with some of the production information (director/stars/etc). Ken Begg, who runs the great bad movie site Jabootu, does a hilarious piece after every AFM poking fun at some of the more questionable offerings. I really couldn't come up with any way to go about doing a section of this article on the AFM offerings without patterning it after Ken's great work so I hope he won't have Jabootu put a hex on me for swiping a page from his book for this last part of the article. Somehow I suspect he's looking at the enormity of this entire article, including how many more AFM films I included compared to the list he did, and is thinking how glad he is that he has more of a life than I do. 2B
PERFECTLY HONEST Him? Him who? Who is him? A key piece of info is missing here. Who writes these things anyway? 3
FACES OF TERROR Cheap Italian made horror movie starring John Philip Law? Nothing good can come from this. ANGEL
BLADE First of all, wouldn't the other side of evil be good? More importantly, despite the fact that this is a David Heavener production and there is a trailer available for preview on David Heavener's personal website, I cannot tell you anything more because I have yet to be able to see the trailer or the website for that matter. Every single time I have tried to do so I am told that bandwith for the site has been exceeded for the day. For some reason I just don't think that is because Mr. Heavener is so popular his site is getting jammed with heavy traffic on a daily basis. Something tells me the fact that he cannot even afford enough bandwidth for his website speaks volumes about the quality of the films he makes. If not, then the casting of Margot Kidder and Richard Moll should. ANGEL
BLADE TRAILER (IF YOU'RE LUCKY!) ASPHALT
WARS A low budget Latino version of The Fast & The Furious from Roger Corman's production company? Oh, mios dios! ATOMIK
CIRCUS Ummm… What? Oh, it's a French zombie comedy and according to IMDB, it's absolutely awful. Why am I not surprised? AUTOPSY,
A LOVE STORY Why do I have a feeling this is going to be a lot like MAY only with a necrophilia bent to it? Either that or it will turn out to be a zombie movie. They sure don't make enough of those these days. BACK
BY MIDNIGHT A rare cinematic treat - a flick that stars two people that died before the film was released. Speaking of dead careers, also listed in the credits are Ed Begley Jr., Harland Williams, and Louie Anderson. This one is apparently sooooo good it has been gathering dust on a shelf for well over two years. However, I do believe this movie is currently playing on a loop in Hell! BAD
EGGS A buddy cop comedy? I'd have sworn the 1980's were long since over. BAD
GIRLS FROM VALLEY HIGH According to IMDB, this is (sadly) not a sex comedy. It is however a teen comedy about a couple of bitchy high school girls forced to age prematurely as punishment for their bad behavior. Also, the movie was made back in 2000. The success of MEAN GIRLS is probably the only reason this film is even getting released at all. THE
BATTLE FOR TREASURE ISLAND It makes you wonder if Randy Quaid ever reads a script and says no? THE
BIRTHDAY After PUPPET MASTER VS. DEMONIC TOYS I've had my fill of Corey Feldman movies for this lifetime and many lifetimes to come. His novelty has warn off. THE
CHOKE Amazingly, it is not a documentary about the Great White nightclub concert fire. THE
CLOWN Okay, it's a German movie. I get that much. But that's all I get. Is The Clown supposed to be a superhero of some sort or a vigilante? Whatever it is, the movie stars two women that both played the same role on the sci-fi series Lexx. That's got to count for something COOKERS
So I'm supposed to root for and emphasize with the junkies? I don't think so. I think this time I'm going to root for the unspeakable terror. Go, unspeakable terror! CURSE
OF THE MAYA If it stars Joe Estevez and Todd Bridges then the movie clearly has a curse too! CRUEL
WORLD And yet if you mention PINATA: SURVIVAL ISLAND to Jamie Pressly she gets really pissy. Yeah, like that's really the worst movie on her ever expanding resume of crap. By the way, if any scenes in the movie have Edward Furlong just sitting in a chair staring vacantly into space, that's probably not acting. DEAD
LIFE Yawn. The only thing original about this plot is that they capitalized "Zombies". DEATH
TO THE SUPERMODELS At the time this movie was made Brooke Burns was dating Bruce Willis and according to the tabloids, the director was getting a little to "hands on" when giving her directions so Willis flew down to the set and basically threatened to rearrange his DNA if he didn't stop it at once. I wouldn't be surprised if that bit of gossip proves to be more entertaining than the actual movie. There's also a really dirty joke I could make about Jaime Pressly and the phrase "prized feminine treasures" but I'll refrain at this time. DECK
DOGZ If GRIND just didn't satisfy your need for inane skateboarding flicks… DR.
RAGE On the plus side, it stars Andrew Divoff and Karen Black. On the negative side, it stars Andrew Divoff and Karen Black. Given their track records this one could go either way. I wonder; is Dr. Rage is the antithesis of Dr. Giggles? THE
DRONE VIRUS
To be more specific, people are being infected with a computer virus
by a super high tech MRI. Seriously! The important thing here though
is that Adrian Zmed is still getting work. EASTER
EGG ESCAPE I assume this is animated. At least I hope it's animated otherwise that cast in this story… On second thought, I really hope it's live action. EASY
SIX It sounds like a serious drama and yet it is listed as an action comedy. I suspect the daughter has an affair with Julian Sands because I have a hard time envisioning Jim Belushi as a college professor or the object of desire for that matter. FIZZY
BUSINESS I'm sure shenanigans ensue. I hope the DVD comes with fizzy tablets that make vodka out of soda pop because I suspect hard liquor will be needed in great quantities to make this premise amusing. FRAGILE Didn't ABC just cancel this a few months ago? FROSTBITE
Oh, it bites alright! Having watched the trailer I can honestly say that not even the guarantee of topless women could make me want to sit through this. GANGSTERZ
Keep in mind this is supposed to be a comedy. Emphasis on supposed to be. Life after Star Trek is proving to be most unkind for Mr. Dorn. GHOST
LAKE I have a feeling by the end of this year we are all going to so sick of zombie movies it isn't funny. There is such a thing as oversaturation. GOING
DOWN The original title of the film was A NIGHT IN TARA REID'S SUBCONSCIOUS but they felt it was too long and went with a shorter title that simply summed up her typical night out. GOING
THE DISTANCE Horny music producer? As opposed to all those chaste music producers out there? Horny music producer kind of goes without saying. GOOSE!
Chevy Chase AND Tom Arnold together in one film? Looks like Satan got another production deal again. GREED So is Jason London playing Raven or Ashley? HAIR
SHOW It stars Mo'Nique. That should be warning enough. Imagine if science spliced Star Jones with Bigfoot and gave it Roseanne's personality. Be afraid! THE
HOLY GIRL Obviously, it's a foreign film. If it was a Hollywood production then it would be a revenge flick with the girl hunting the man down and going MS. 45 on his ass. ILLUSION I wish I had a really witty comment to go along with this description because I simply cannot read that description without feeling the urge to begin giggling at the goofiness of it. I mean, what the hell? INFESTATION
Ah, futuristic zombies! I guess this means we can expect to see plenty of people fleeing from zombies in scenes filmed using excessive use of neon. JACQUELINE
HYDE Terrifying results? It's from the director of THE EROTIC MISADVENTURES OF THE INVISIBLE MAN. It stars someone whose resume consists almost entirely of stuff that appears on Cinemax After Dark. The producers are the people that make a lot of the Cinemax After Dark programs. When did sex become terrifying? Surely this isn't going to be an attempt at straightforward horror. A
KILLER WITHIN C. Thomas Howell is The Fugitive. Not since 9/11 has America as a whole united behind its police force! THE
KILLING KIND All dead? Even Terry? Remember folks, there are people in this world that get paid more money than you or I to write brief little movie descriptions like the one above. KINGDOM
IN TWILIGHT What a dilemma. I can think of far worse things to be torn between than Kristanna Loken and Alicia Witt. THE
KOVAK BOX Retort #1 - Just like listening to Ashlee Simpson's music! Retort #2 - Ripping off THE RING? What do you mean we're ripping off THE RING? But this is about music, not a videotape. See, it is original! LADY
LUCK & THE PLAYER
That is the American dream personified, is it not? LANDSLIDE
Disaster movie produced by Porchlight Entertainment, the folks that make a lot of the movies you find on the Lifetime and Pax Network. This is all but guaranteed to be tame as heck. I bet it won't hold a candle to ON HOSTILE GROUND. LANDSLIDE TRAILER (Real Media Format) THE
LAST TRAPPER Retort #1 - Hey everybody, let's rent this movie tonight! It's about a trapper named Norman! Yeah! And he's 50 years old! Hell Yeah! And guess what else? He lives in the far north! Damn straight! We're rentin' this! Retort #2 - "You are the last trapper, you contain the power of the glow!" And a shiny new nickel to anyone that gets that reference. LEFT
FOR DEAD Okay, here's the plan. You go punch the crap out of them and I'll cover you. LENNY
THE WONDER DOG You have to watch this trailer! A talking dog that sounds almost exactly like Howard the Duck, the guy from the POLICE ACADEMY movies that made funny sounds playing a cop that makes funny sounds, a badly overacting Rupert Everett type, and the worst Britney Spears wannabe I've ever seen - I must see this movie! LOVE
COMES TO THE EXECUTIONER I bet it is set in the South too. Or Texas. You know a Jerry Springer trailer trash plot like that isn't going to be set up North with those prim and proper Yankees. MANFAST For those that watch The View only! MAX
HAVOC: CURSE OF THE DRAGON Does this mean Golan-Globus are back together again because this sure sounds like something they would produce? Michael Dudikoff needs the work. MESMERITZ They could do another version of this plot with Anna Nicole Smith getting her gazillionaire geezer husband to will her a ton of money and call it Mesmertitz! Thank you, I'll be here all week. Enjoy the veal. MISS
CASTAWAY & THE ISLAND GIRLS A comparison to Baywatch and they spelled "Ark" wrong. Most definately not a good sign. And yes, that Michael Jackson! As a cop! I'm guessing he's probably in the movie for about 30 seconds because from what I saw on IMDB this is one of those CANNONBALL RUN style comedies with lots of celebrity cameos, mostly C-list celebs. MORTUARY Lemme guess… a mortuary? The fact that Tobe Hooper is directing would seemingly give the movie some promise but then I keep thinking about CROCODILE and realize I'm probably just kidding myself. MOSCOW
HEAT The collapse of communism and the fact that Arnold Schwarzenegger and James Belushi already used the title prevented them from simply calling the film RED HEAT. Seriously though, the year is 2005. The age of using the word "heat" in a cop movie title has long since passed. MY
BROTHER'S KEEPER You know just the other day I was talking to a friend of mine and told him, "I really wish someone would hurry up and make another melodrama where college rowing factors into the plot because I've just about worn out my copy of OXFORD BLUES. Now if only someone would make a phantasmagorical live action, special FX fantasy of teenage angst I could die a happy man. NEON
DREAMS Take me now, Lord! NO
WAY UP Alas, "no way up" could also be the best way to describe Adrian Paul and Amy Locane's film careers. OFF
THE LIP Tony Shalhoub surfs? OUIJA Wouldn't that make more sense to say keep the devil "inside"? You're opening his front door. That makes you the outsider, not him. Besides, opening his front door and telling him to wait outside is just plain rude. How would you like it if Satan came over to your house, rang the doorbell, and ordered you to stand out on the front lawn for no reason. PATIENT
14 Based on true events, huh? Casting Star Trek actors doesn't really up the credibility quotient of the production. Kinda hard to take it seriously when you're casting Mr. Sulu as one of the villains. PROTEUS
Translation - Gay Sex! SCHOOL
WARS: HERO A sort of Japanese DEAD POETS SOCIETY where a new teacher teaches overly aggressive students an important life lesson by channeling their aggression into an overly aggressive sport. Uh, sure. Me, I prefer to just play Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas instead. SHADOW Hooray, yet more low budget zombie action! No, we haven't beaten this genre into the ground yet. I suddenly find myself longing for more shark movies. SHUT
UP AND KISS ME How far would I go for true love? I wouldn't sit through tripe like this, that's for certain, even it does have the star of Emmanuelle in Space. SILENT
PARTNER Please, please, please tell me somebody out there did not cast Tara Reid as a CIA analyst. SPOOKED
Especially if it involves big wave surfer "The Monk". SPYMATE
Monkey with a gun! Monkey with a gun! I think the Simpsons were prophetic and we will soon indeed be seeing HAIL TO THE CHIMP. Is there no genre of film that cannot be improved through the use of monkeys? They should redo SEX & CONSEQUENCES with chimps! SUPERCROSS: THE MOVIE No other information was given for this one but that's okay because I already wrote about for Badmovies.net this past summer. Not surprisingly, it's about dirt bike racers. It stars Daryl Hannah, Robert Patrick, and Aaron Carter and it will be directed by the guy that helped give the world MEET THE DEEDLES, TIMECOP 2: THE BERLIN DECISION, and SLAP SHOT 2. I predicted it would go direct-to-video too. And if you want some clue as to what kind of mentality the movie has, the original title was FAST BOYS. Yikes! THE
TIME OF HER TIME Ironically, I also view myself as a matador but all my relationships end with me stabbing her repeatedly with a series of spears then celebrating while people throw flowers at me, which is why I am writing all this right now from my prison cell. TRANS-AMERICAN
KILLER Did they forget to mention that the killer is a transexual? Hollywood just doesn't make enough transexual slasher flicks. I'm sure this will be hugely popular in the Bible Belt. What do you think? Will they root for the transexual slasher to kill the lesbian or root for the lesbian to kill the transexual slasher? VAMPIRE
ROCK It will be the greatest supernatural comedy aimed at young women since TEEN WITCH. Mark my words. WHOREHOUSE When this movie hits Blockbuster shelves it will be called IF YOU CAN'T SAY IT JUST WATCH IT HOUSE. And how many people got that reference? I'm getting more obscure than Dennis Miller. XXL
Finally,
a movie I can identify with! |
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