Starring Walker, Texas Ranger, The Receding Hairline of Absolute Evil, and I Can't Believe It's Not Stoney Jackson!

Directed by "Captain Nepotism" Aaron Norris

For those of you that have yet to check the calendar today is 6/6/06. On a day that associated with evil for purely coincidental and mathematical purposes, I feel the need to spotlight a film about a bearded, soft spoken, philosophical man that can save us all from Satan's eternal damnation. Of course I speak of Chuck Norris, God's chosen ass kicker; at least he was in the 1992 Chuck Norris karate kicks Satan back to Hell flick, Hellbound.

Hellbound opens with a prologue set in the time of the Crusades where Prosatanos, the googily-eyed embodiment of absolute evil, is about to sacrifice an infant with royal blood to unleash the Apocalypse when the Society for Creative Anachronism bursts in and saves the day. Defeated by King Richard the Lionhearted, the devil's least menacing harbinger gets sealed away for all eternity and King Richard chops up the satanic scepter that looks to have been stolen from the set of Dolph Lundgren's Masters of the Universe into nine pieces, just in case some foolish Middle-Eastern graverobbers were to stumble upon the tomb many centuries later and free Prosatanos. Jump to many centuries later where some foolish Middle-Eastern graverobbers discover the buried chamber containing Prosatanos' tomb and unwittingly free him.

Flash forward to present day Chicago... Make that 1992 Chicago, where we meet Detective (Brace yourselves for this one, folks!) Frank Shatter. Yes, Chuck Norris plays a cop with the last name Shatter. I guess naming him Joe Kaboom or Jack Blaster wouldn't have been subtle enough.

Frank Shatter's partner in cinematic crime, a walking racial stereotype named Calvin Jackson, appears to be played by the lovechild of Whoopi Goldberg and Jar Jar Binks. The less said about him the better.

Things are off to an auspicious start as the first introduction of our heroes is seeing them committing police brutality against a neighborhood pimp. Before we have a chance to begin yelling "Rodney King!" a hooker gets hurled out a window from several stories up onto the roof of their car. Chuck Norris races upstairs and has his first encounter with the seemingly unstoppable Prosatanos, who has just finished ripping the heart out of an old rabbi's chest using his Lee Press-On Nails because the old man interrupted his booty call or something along those lines, like it really matters. Shatter survives this initial face-off because Prosatanos got bored and took off rather than kill him. Prosatanos will go on to get into a couple more brief scuffles with Chuck Norris without ever simply killing his ass like he should because, well, there wouldn't be much of a movie if he did. This is one of those all powerful movie villains that enjoys screwing around a lot instead of getting down to business so that when he finally is ready to get down to business the hero is finally prepared to beat the snot out of him.

Faster than you can say "shalom", the not-so-dynamic duo of Shatter and Jackson are on a plane to Tel Aviv. Why? Because the Israeli police want to talk with them about the rabbi's murder. Sure, they could have done this over the telephone instead of flying them halfway around the world but that wouldn't have moved the plot along, now would it? This is working with the assumption that the movie actually has much of a plot to move along; a debate could be made against such a claim. Besides, this is a Cannon production; filming in Israel or the Philippines was always more of an economical decision.

When not ripping the hearts out of holy men, Prosatanos disguises himself as an archaeologist named Professor Lockley. He uses this alias in hopes of not arousing suspicion as he searches for the remaining pieces of the scepter he hasn't already collected. At least that's how it's supposed to work. He always ends up killing someone and stealing the missing piece they were in possession of; that's bound to raise questions. The biggest difference between Prosatanos and his Professor Lockley form are his eyes. As Prosatanos, the actor wears these ridiculous contact lens' that make his eyes appear to be slightly arched back at an upward angle so that it looks like he's a demon suffering from a serious thyroid problem or some form of retardation. Oh, and Professor Lockley doesn't speak with a voice that sounds like Vin Diesel in need of an exorcism.

Prosatanos also employs the services of the Israeli branch of the Ku Klux Klan, a group of black cloaked/hooded henchmen under his guise that pop up for no other reason than to supply Chuck Norris with people to karate kick before the big final smackdown. Professor Lockley also has an assistant, an attractive female that just happens to be the daughter of some European duke. That would make her blood royal. She exists solely to explain the legend of the scepter to Chuck Norris and (Surprise! Surprise!) need to be rescued before Prosatanos sacrifices her.

But who really cares about whether or not Chuck Norris can prevent Armageddon? Who really cares whether or not Satan's wimpiest emissary will reassemble the scepter of doom and sacrifice this extraneous character to bring about the end of the world? Screw all that crap! To hell with it all, I say! What you, me, and everyone else really wants is an extended subplot involving Chuck's partner having his pocket picked by an Israeli kid leading to a near 15-minute chase sequence through the back alleys of Tel Aviv! Yes, this is what I really want when I watch an action horror thriller with apocalyptic overtones - a long meaningless subplot about a stolen wallet designed to pad an already thin film. And you can never get enough scenes where characters argue with street vendors either.

And how about that ultimate showdown between Chuck Norris and Prosatanos, a battle to the death for the fate of heaven and earth that seems to have been choreographed by a junior high drama teacher putting on a stage production of the climax from Game of Death? No one moment better personifies everything that's wrong with Hellbound than when Prosatanos is standing with his arms raised reciting the chant to begin the apocalyptic ritual only to be interrupted by Chuck Norris who suddenly blindsides him with a weak-looking running jump kick that causes the evil one to let out a loud "Oof!" as he clumsily tumbles to the ground. It wouldn't be until End of Days where Satan himself had to turn to his henchmen and yell, "Get him!" that a movie would come along portraying evil incarnate as such a complete and utter tool. But then even End of Days didn't go so far as to have Jesus himself watching the finale from the sidelines, and let me just say this guy is the sorriest looking Christ figure I've ever seen in a movie. He looks like he should be the star of Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Doug Henning.
A Chuck Norris vs. Satan movie at its worst should have made for a camp classic, but instead we got a bargain basement excuse for a supernatural action thriller that takes itself so seriously despite being so crummy and is so woefully dull, so horribly executed, that it's a real chore to sit through from start to finish. The only real entertainment comes from marveling at the horrid staging of the final fight scene. Small cancellation for what should have been greatness.

Hellbound marked the fifth teaming of Chuck Norris and his director brother Aaron; the two had previously joined forces for Missing in Action 3, Delta Force 2, The Hitman, Sidekicks, and following Hellbound, they'd reteam again for the abysmal Top Dog, a 1995 dog of a movie marketed as family entertainment despite being a violent action comedy with Chuck Norris and police dog teaming up to stop a racist hate group from setting of a bomb in Oklahoma; a film that had the amazing bad luck of opening just days after the Oklahoma City bombing. Chuck and Aaron must be extremely close in life because I've heard of family members disowning relatives for things far less trivial than making movies like Top Dog and Hellbound.

The saddest thing of all is just how terrible Chuck Norris himself was in this flick. We all know that Chuck Norris has never been a master thespian but his performance in Hellbound is sleepier and more devoid of personality than Olivier Grunier after sniffing ether. It's as if even he knew this film was a complete waste of his time and energy. Even his fighting skills are slow, unimpressive, and purely pedestrian. It's no wonder that Hellbound completely bypassed theaters and Cannon Films would soon go the way of the dinosaur.

Hellbound is quite possibly the worst movie Chuck Norris ever made and this is coming from someone who has seen Hero & The Terror. Regardless of this abysmal career misstep, my faith in Chuck Norris is strong and continues to guide me to this day. Praise be to Chuck.

1/2 BLOOD MUG