Starring Jason McClain, Dave Competello, Rachael Diana, Chris Saphire, James Fuentez, Ashley Rose Yeager

Written & Directed by G.R.

I do not blame the makers of Motocross Zombies from Hell. I blame myself. I should have known better. Though I did not see the good-reason-to-try-and-remain-anonymous G.R.'s previous flick Zombies Gone Wild, I had read reviews online warning me to stay away and, thus, should have known what to expect from his second zombie offering. The uber cheesy title of Motocross Zombies From Hell and the possibilities such a film could have entailed suckered me in like a fly to a spider's web, an apt analogy given the film I watched certainly left me yelling "Help me!" in hopes Vincent Price would crush me with a rock and end my suffering. This is the kind of no-budget cornball-premised flick that Troma could pull off in their sleep; it still might not have been a good movie but I can't imagine it could have turned out any worse than what these people threw together.

The most astounding aspect of Motocross Zombies from Hell is that the disc is loaded with extras. You get behind the scenes footage, cast interviews, a blooper reel, the trailer, the poster art, a photo gallery, downloadable desktop wallpapers, and musical selections from the film's soundtrack. A pity they didn't bother to include an actual movie to go along with all the extras. This is yet another one of those cases where you get the sense the people making the movie had more fun doing so than anyone will ever have watching what they've made.

Motocross Zombies from Hell, shot on digital in a style that brings to mind someone's amateur home movie, opens with the audibly-distorted deep voice of Satan himself talking of wanting to build an army and the kinds of souls he's looking for to fill its ranks. Apparently, the devil is really into X-Gamers at the moment; I can only guess he must be looking to build up an army of satanic motobikers who can jump the pearly gates into heaven. Two slackers into dirt biking and the girlfriend of one head off into the desert for some motocross fun. Little did they know that this devil worshipping dude (who appears in one scene and then is never seen or heard from again) is coaching a pair of unbeatable zombified riders that look like guys in red and black supercross racing gear with black grease paint around their eyes. One of our irritating slacker "heroes" mouths off to the unholy pip squeak dressed as if he's prepared for a Bauhaus concert to breakout at any moment, thus now making all three of them the targets of the motocross zombies from hell. Given that much of the third act is set at a cabin in the middle of nowhere under siege by zombies wearing hoodies, maybe they should have called the movie “Unabomber Zombies from Hell” instead.

The movie clocks in at a skimpy 76-minutes, only about two minutes of which doesn't feel like pointless filler.
I think they blew what little budget they had on the few scenes where vehicles crashed through thin wooded walls and doors, although they surely dropped a few pennies on the zombie paint that I do believe you can buy from Family Dollar for a couple bucks a tube around Halloween. This may also be the first zombie movie in cinematic history where no one actually gets eaten by zombies. Well, there is someone who gets mildly nibbled on, but that character was pretty much dead anyway so I hardly count it. The lumbering random zombie inaction is still more exciting than the dull bike racing action. And all of it is set to repetitive heavy metal guitar riffs that quickly wear out their welcome.

There just isn't much more to say about this one so in lieu of a typical review I've decided to present a ten question quiz about the film. No need to put your thinking caps on; the answers should be fairly obvious. If not, then Motocross Zombies from Hell is a movie suited to your IQ.

The characters in Motocross Zombies from Hell spend most of their time:
A) Doing nothing and talking about crap
B) Getting chased by demonic dirt bikers
C) Making me want to kill myself

Summarize the plot to Motocross Zombies from Hell in two words:
A) Motocross Zombies
B) Comedy Horror
C) What plot?

The score to Motocross Zombies from Hell could double for:
A) Pro wrestling entrance music
B) Xbox videogame background music
C) Chinese water torture

The Faustian villain commanding the motocross zombies could best be described as:
A) A typical Satanist dressed in black
B) A cane-wielding, old school, pro wrestling manager
C) Thomas Dolby gone goth

The zombie that rises from the coffin in the shack was:
A) So unimportant they never offered an explanation
B) Tossed in to include a completely random zombie attack
C) Judging by his jacket, a 1970's Wild World of Sports commentator

The sex scene is so poorly lit and boasts zero skin because:
A) The actors refused to get naked on camera
B) It was an homage to Alone in the Dark’s sex scene
C) Because this movie can't do anything right!

The shootout scene with the zombies will make you:
A) Laugh
B) Hit the fast forward button
C) Write a letter of apology to Uwe Boll

We know the movie is finally over because:
A) They killed all the zombies
B) The sun has risen
C) Two different characters actually say "It's over."

Which of the following does Motocross Zombies from Hell lack most?
A) Motocross racing action
B) Genuinely scary-looking zombies
C) Characters you don’t detest
D) Something resembling a coherent narrative
E) Something resembling actual production values
F) A purpose for existing
G) All of the above

Why would anyone want to watch Motocross Zombies from Hell?
A) I'm being serious. Why would anyone want to watch Motocross Zombies from Hell?

1/2 STAR