Starring Ken Shamrock, Matthew Linhart, Samantha Aisling, Caleb Roehrig, Tara Platt, and a Homicidal Scarecrow

Directed by Brian Katkin

Jason went to outer space. Pinhead went to outer space. The Leprechaun went to outer space. Freddy Krueger went to Hollywood. The Scarecrow, well, he just gets to go to the beach.

Scarecrow Gone Wild is the third film in the inexplicably successful Scarecrow franchise. Now I must admit that I have not seen the first two films in this direct-to-video franchise, Scarecrow and Scarecrow Slayer, but I am under the impression that I haven’t missed anything. In fact, I’ve never heard a single positive thing said about either of them but somebody must have been watching with much glee to get us up to a third installment. The only reason I even gave this one a try was because of the film’s silly title, equally silly premise of a homicidal scarecrow stalking Spring Breakers, and the fact that it co-stars ex-WWE wrestler and Ultimate Fighter Ken Shamrock. A freakin’ scarecrow killing college kids on the beach and it’s also gonna fight "The World’s Most Dangerous Man" Ken Shamrock? Surely this is the recipe for some great cinematic cheese, right?

Wrong!

It sucked! Sucked hard! Real hard! Jenna Jameson’s mouth if it had the density of a black hole hard!

I assure you that the scarecrow does not go wild. It barely even gets mild. The movie is simply operating on snooze control. It is not scary or fun, just dull. To give you an idea of how terrible this thing is let me quote you directly from the lousy synopsis on the DVD slipcase.

"When a group of oversexed college kids decide to head for the beach on Spring Break, they get carried away and tie one of their friends to a scarecrow in a cornfield as a joke. Accidentally, left out overnight the boy lapses into a coma, awaking the scarecrow. That’s when the scarecrow begins to strike, turning the co-eds’ scary practical joke into an even deadlier game. One by one, the kids turn victims as the scarecrow has a sharp axe to grind."

That really is the plot more or less, but most of the film has people either running around an empty hospital, the school campus, or the cornfield and not the beach, which only factors into the middle section of the movie. This is also the smallest Spring Break ever, as the primary characters are the only people on the beach. And just for the record, the scarecrow never actually uses a sharp axe to kill anyone. There is only one slightly creative kill and the rest are just lame. I’ve never seen a slasher flick before where asphyxiation was the primary method of murder.

Even the showdown with Shamrock is crap. All you get is about 60 seconds of the two slugging one another. Watching Larry Flynt and Stephen Hawking try to kickbox one another would be more entertaining than this. They never even have Shamrock put the scarecrow in the anklelock. For God’s sake, would it have killed anyone to actually have some fun with this dopey premise? Did the filmmakers honestly think they were making a suspenseful slasher movie? The damn movie is called Scarecrow Gone Wild!

The lone highlight is this one totally loopy scene that starts with one of the characters singing this song straight out of a 60’s beach blanket movie only laced with a ton of profanities. The Scarecrow casually walks up, which nobody notices, and makes like Simon Cowell by spearing him with a tent pole. Everybody screams as the Scarecrow charges and proceeds to strangle another guy to death in all of about 5 seconds. It then turns and bitchslaps a girl to the ground even though its hand clearly misses by several feet. As everyone scrambles to run away, the Scarecrow franticly scrambles to grab somebody, anybody, but clearly has trouble navigating through the sand nearly falling down more than once. Had the majority of the movie been as goofy (or as unintentionally goofy because it sure looked as if the scarecrow guy was having legitimate difficulty running on the sand) as this scene then Scarecrow Gone Wild could have been a fun, cheesy slasher flick. Instead it takes itself way too seriously, fails to deliver on any level, and is just an incredibly lame bore.

So as I sat in my recliner realizing the movie was not going to provide any actual entertainment and is so marginal it barely even warrants a full review, I decided to whip out my trusty notebook and jot down a few things about the flick worth pointing out. So instead of a typical movie review, I give you this instead.

30 THINGS I LEARNED FROM WATCHING SCARECROW GONE WILD

1) There is apparently someplace in North America where a cornfield is within a very short driving distance to the beach.
2) Having a gawky, pissed off, booze-soaked diabetic tied to it can awaken a homicidal scarecrow.
3) With some potato sack clothes and a rubber zombie mask purchased from Spencer’s Gifts you too can look like a homicidal scarecrow.
4) Homicidal scarecrows like to taunt victims by whistling a tune, which they can even do when underwater.
5) Ken Shamrock must really be hard up for cash.
6) When you break a promise you invite the devil in or some crap along those lines.
7) Never refer to making love to your girlfriend as "screwing" unless you really want to piss her off.
8) Homicidal scarecrows can walk from the cornfield to the beach completely unnoticed.
9) People are incapable of hearing loud, bloodcurdling screams from a mere thirty yards away.
10) People who get disemboweled are surprisingly quiet as they die.
11) College towns only have one doctor.
12) Trucker hats are not fashionable.
13) Paul Rudd has a low budget doppelganger.
14) Homicidal scarecrows love to strangle people.
15) Jocks take beach volleyball way too seriously.
16) A skip in the DVD is not a bad thing when it spares you from having to watch a few minutes of a crappy homicidal scarecrow flick.
17) Trying to mix 1960’s surf rock with modern college rock results in a sound so horrible it could even make William Shatner’s ears bleed.
18) You can still want to be friends with a group of guys even after those guys have intentionally pissed on your face.
19) Lighting almost every interior night shot so that it glows blue like a 1980’s Survivor music video does not evoke atmosphere.
20) Homicidal scarecrows know how to apply the sleeper hold.
21) Ken Shamrock does not know how to escape the sleeper hold.
22) Homicidal scarecrows can drive 4x4 trucks.
23) It’s actually possible to have plot points in a movie without really having a plot.
24) Homicidal scarecrows are more effective killers when you come to them as opposed to them having to chase after you.
25) Defibrillators are a homicidal scarecrows worst enemy.
26) Don’t bother mourning for your brutally murdered friends because you’ll have new ones three weeks later.
27) Homicidal scarecrows in human form possess the same electroshock powers as King Kong did in King Kong vs. Godzilla.
28) There is always an empty unlocked church somewhere nearby.
29) When in doubt, impale yourself on a large cross.
30) Just when you think a crappy homicidal scarecrow movie is over it turns out to have another 10 minutes.

The only thing scary about this movie is the fact that there is already another sequel set to be released sometime in the near future called 10,001 Scarecrows. Be afraid! Be very afraid!

1/2 STAR