Foywonder

MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE NEVER BACK DOWN

One of my greatest regrets in life is that I cannot ever begin or end a Foyeurism with the words MY NAME IS SCOTT FOY AND I PAID TO SEE NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER because I did not see this awesome machine of entertainment until it made its way to the world of VHS. To be fair, not that many people saw it theatrically, but that's another matter entirely. Unlike a myriad of films I enjoyed in my childhood that have not stood up to the scrutiny of my adult eyes - adult me cannot believe kid me ever thought HOWARD THE DUCK was enjoyable - NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER continues to thoroughly entertain me each and every time I view it. It is one of the most immensely entertaining slices of cinematic schlock to come out of the 1980's - from the music to the fashions to the plot being a kooky mishmash of KARATE KID sensibilities and ROCKY IV jingoism - that has been allowed to go criminally overlooked for far too long. There will be no negativity in this month's Foyeurism. This is all about one of my all-time favorite films. When life gives you lemons, NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER is my lemonade.

FIVE EXTREMELY IMPORTANT LIFE LESSONS YOU WILL LEARN FROM WATCHING NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER:

1) USA is #1!

2) Fighting truly is the solution to life's problems.

3) Once you learn to control your inner rage you'll be a more efficient ass kicker.

4) Bruce Lee answers the prayers of his worshippers but you have to be a true believer.

5) For you own public safety do not insult the quality of Seattle karate.

Some out there would call NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER a pure 1980's guilty pleasure movie. Some would call it the most entertaining of the KARATE KID rip-offs. I simply call it the greatest movie ever made. The collective works of Stanley Kubrick, Martin Scorsese, Akira Kurosawa, Terrence Malik, Sydney Lumet, Orson Wells, and Ingmar Bergman don't hold a candle to this life-affirming tale of an all-American teenager who overcomes the overwhelming forces of karate school bullies, dojo-stealing mobsters, and a godless Commie in need of an all-American ass whoopin' after being mentored by the ghost of Bruce Lee.

If only people from various walks of life and socio-religious-political persuasions could just come together to sit down and watch a double feature of RAD and NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER I truly believe it could inspire a brand new era of solidarity in this great nation of ours.

Jason Stillwell is just your average, good-looking, angst-filled, teenager obsessed with Bruce Lee the way current teen girls are obsessed with TWILIGHT - minus the sexual attraction, I hope. Jason's Bruce Lee fundamentalism doesn't sit too well with his karate instructor dad, outraged whenever Jason lets out a loud "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" as Bruce Lee was known to do or busts out some Jeet Kun Do in the middle of his karate class. Bruce Lee would tell you himself if he were alive today that karate is an inferior fighting art and prove it by horse-kicking Jason's dad through the back wall of his dojo before sitting down with Jason to smoke a pound of hash.

POWER RANGERS: JUNK CAR FORCE

All is not well in the Sherman Oaks, California life of young Jason Stillwell for the East Coast mafia has got a new racket and that racket is cornering the market on the lucrative martial arts dojo business. From coast to coast, karate dojos are falling under mob rule. If people want to learn new and exciting Oriental means by which to kick the ass of their fellow man the mafia is going to get a piece of the action. Now they've set their sights on Tom Stillwell's karate dojo and though they are willing to pay, if he doesn't accept, he'll pay.

Enter the mobster. Into Tom Stillwell's humble dojo steps this stogie-smoking, sawed-off runt with an Oscar caliber shit-eating grin. This greasy goodfella gets an A+ in sniveling weasel villainy. In any other mob film he'd be that excitable henchman that's always going "yeah, boss" but in this film he gets to be the boss.

Flanking him are a couple bodyguards and two very non-Mafia looking henchmen. One is a guy that looks like he should be playing a lower-tier terrorist flunky getting his bearded ass handed to him by the hero in any given Golan-Globus production. The other is a super dangerous Russian kickboxing bad ass named Ivan, played by the only performer in this movie that would go on to have a major career in movies.

Mr. Stillwell is made an offer he cannot refuse. But refuse he does because Tom Stillwell is a man who will not allow his fighting art to be sullied by the criminal underworld. I would say he's a man who knows when it's time to make a stand and fight for what you believe in but when he's first attacked his reaction is to start shouting that fighting solves nothing. "Karate is not to be used aggressively," decries Tom Stillwell. Yeah, how dare he use that fighting art for fighting purposes. Like hiring a sexual surrogate who only promotes abstinence. Fighting never solves anything sure sounds like a strange philosophy for someone who teaches a fighting art for the living. So what is karate to be used for? Chopping boards in half to make firewood during those long winter months?

Maybe Mr. Miyagi was onto something in the one true KARATE KID (the Jayden Smith remake does not exist in this dojo) when he taught Daniel-san basic karate movement through household chores. Is that the true use of karate? Get a black belt and become a master sander? Did Chuck Norris waste his career starring in all those martial arts movies when his true calling should have been to star in a This Old House-style karate home improvement show? Is it too late to sign him up to star in Extreme Home Makeover: Karate Edition? Each week Chuck Norris could travel to a new town to use his karate skills to build a house for a needy family and then - just to appease his more traditional fans - beat the living hell out of some lawbreakers troubling the community? In this home makeover program, when the host yells "Move that bus!" it's because Chuck Norris is about to drive a bus through the front of a drug dealer's hideout.

Anyway, despite refusing to fight, Tom bests the Arab-looking man, whose hairstyle and beard would make him perfect to star in a Turkish remake of MEGAFORCE, using the very sort of aggressive karate he claims goes against his scruples. The mob is finally forced to deal their trump card and unleash some Van Dammage.

This is also how he uses the toilet.

In addition to being the single greatest motion picture ever conceived by mankind, NO RETREAT NO SURRENDER also boasts the American motion picture debut of Jean-Claude Van Damme. "The "Muscles from Brussels" plays a Soviet super baddy, an "awesome machine of destruction" as he's described later on, known simply as Ivan - Ivan the Russian, or as he's called in the opening credits, Karl Brezdin. Who? Not sure what that was all about. Whoever did the opening credits definitely screwed up somewhere.

Jean-Claude Van Damme, wearing an ice cream suit so bitching he looks like he raided Mr. Rourke's "Fantasy Island" closet, unleashes maximum Van Dammage upon poor Tom Stillwell, outclassed in both the fashion and martial arts sense. Ivan may be wearing white but soon everyone will be seeing red; he physically obliterates Jason's dad right in front of the stunned class without even breaking a sweat. Think any of those students then demanded refunds upon seeing how useless their skills will be against a real fighter?

TRUE FUN FACTOID: Jean-Claude Van Damme was so keen on making his kicks look good that when he catapulted off the back of the kneeling Middle Eastern chap to hit actor Timothy D. Baker in the chest with a flying kick he failed to properly pull the kick and legit injured Baker.

EXTRA FUN FACTOID: Timothy D. Baker was a real-life karate champion making his acting debut, though I seriously hesitate calling what Baker does in the film to be acting. Let's just say if his acting were any more wooden he could have karate chopped himself in half.

Ivan breaks Tom's leg; Jason rushes to the rescue only to get a painful twisting of the arm and an icy stare from the Russian bad ass. The stage is now set for a future face-off between these two. This is what they call foreshadowing. And that suit Ivan is wearing is what they really mean by the term "White Russian".

"Mr. Stillwell, we at Fox News would strongly advise you to have your American flag turned the right way by the time we come back. You really wouldn't want to make Mr. Hannity angry."

Crippled in the fight both physically and spiritually, Tom Stillwell is left with a permanent limp, closes down his Sherman Oaks dojo, packs up the family, and heads to the safe haven of the Seattle suburb Kingswood, Washington. Why Seattle? Why not Seattle? Damned if I know, other than a certain martial arts demigod just happens to be buried there.

In case you were wondering, there is a Mrs. Stillwell in the film. She's such a total non-entity seen only once or twice for a matter of seconds that I don't know why they didn't just make Tom a single dad.

Immediately upon arriving, and I do mean mere seconds after their station wagon parks in front of their new home, Jason is befriended by a young breakdancer named RJ, presumably the only black teenager in all of Seattle. It would seem that when they cast this role the producers somehow could not find an actual black teenager in 1985 that could breakdance. It is one thing that the actor lacked breakdancing skills, that they couldn't even find a breakdancing double of the same race. Look very closely and you'll be able to tell that whenever RJ begins breakdancing he magically transforms into a white guy in a Gericurl wig.

"Token black best friend at your service! You can call me RJ."

Becoming instant best friends with the second coming of Alfonso Ribiero will lead Jason to incur the wrath of local neighborhood bully, Scott, a tubby teen whose resemblance to Andy Richter is as uncanny as it is horrifying. Being that Scott is fat and fat people cannot stop eating (EVER!) he just stands there on the street next to a parked car with a can of Coke, a box of Ding Dongs, and a humongous slab of chocolate cake as he watches RJ help Jason move some martial arts training equipment and Bruce Lee paraphernalia into the garage. A sneering Scott bemoans, "Just what Kingswood needs... a Bruce Lee freak. Why me?" He then smears chocolate frosting across his face as only an evil fat person can.

Why exactly does Scott hate RJ? That's a darn good question and not one we'll ever get a good answer for. "I have my reasons" is the only explanation we ever get the one time he's asked why. The obvious answer would be racism except we see Scott being buddy-buddy with another black character later on. So, in other words, Scott hates RJ just because, and really and truly, what better reason does anyone anywhere ever need for hating another human being?

If they mated: Andy Richter and Francis from PEE-WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE

This leads to Jason's first encounter with Scott during a fast food fight. I don't mean an actual food fight; Scott and his minions will attempt to lynch RJ in the parking lot outside a fast food joint. To this day I remain shocked that Scott didn't just look out the window to see RJ in the parking lot and yell, "There's a black guy in Seattle! Get Him!"

This non-frontation will mark the first time the film's title in spoken by RJ in reference to being outnumbered 5-to-2 in a burger palace parking lot by a fat kid who doesn't look like he could beat up anyone and his dorky goon squad comprised of guys that look like they'd be getting bullied in any other high school movie. Scott, his face smeared with mustard because as we all know fat people have zero table manners, resents Jason getting in the way of his hate crime and chastizes his unwanted interference with the actual line of dialogue written by an actual screenwriter paid actual money to write it, "Beat it, Brucy! Go home and play with your wooden dolly!" Scott must also be kin to Marvel Comic's Kingpin because RJ's kicking him in his fast gut sends RJ flying back in the opposite direction. The battle will be over before it even has a chance to begin. RJ's "no retreat, no surrender" philosophy apparently does not apply when angry fast food managers threaten to call the cops.

First photo from the set of Hollywood's upcoming LETHAL WEAPON remake.

"I'm getting too young for this shit!"

Dad gives Jason much grief for "fighting like some common street punk" and tells his son to go to his room. Jason defiantly yells back "I am not a child!" in precisely the same manner an angry child on the verge of tears would and storms off to his room to pout on his bed exactly like a petulant child would. He looks up at a Bruce Lee poster and is inspired to stomp out to the garage to beat the living hell out of his heavy bag the way a common street punk with anger management issues would.

Actor Kurt McKinney brings an amazing degree of red-faced authenticity to Jason Stillwell's numerous temper tantrums and childish outbursts throughout the film and still they gave the Oscar to Paul Newman that year. Not even a nomination. A total snub.

RJ takes Jason to visit Bruce Lee's actual Seattle grave where Jason will deliver flowers and literally pray to his one true god asking the dead martial arts superstar for some spiritual guidance from beyond the grave. The look of stunned dismay on RJ's face at the conclusion of Jason's benediction pretty much says it all.

Most people don't know this but according to fundamentalist Bruceleeanity when the Rapture occurs only Jeet Kun Do practitioners will magically float up to the fifth floor of the Palsang-jon while all non-practioners will be left to survive the tribulation in a world overrun by Asian gangsters until the hour when Lee himself returns in his yellow tracksuit to make the world "be like water". You would already know all of this if you ever read any of the KICKED BEHIND novels.

Jason and RJ take in a televised fight featuring local martial arts superstar Ian "Whirlwind" Reilly. RJ then takes Jason to Reilly's dojo in town where Scott is a member, unbeknownst to either of them. His karate training has clearly worked wonders for Scott's figure. He looks like a blonde Bob's Big Boy in karate gi. Scott gets into the ear of pretty boy instructor Dean Ramsey, the student sensei running classes while Whirlwind is off being a championship competitor, telling the cocky black belt that he overheard Jason putting down Seattle karate and talking up how much better LA karate is. This is the impetus for the impending Jason/Dean blood feud. No one dares insult the karate prowess of Seattle lest you face the wrath of Dean Ramsey.

BONUS FUN FACTOID: The actor playing Dean Ramsey would go on to become a prolific director in the world of porn. You certainly can't say that he didn't already look the part.

Seriously, is this ancient Japan or 18th century China? Would martial artists in modern America actually get this bent out of shape over someone elsewhere speaking ill of their region's martial arts prowess? If I tell some karate kid in Macon, Georgia that the karate is so much better in Wiggins, Mississippi would they seethe with rage and demand I accept a challenge to fight for honor?

And so duped into believing his beloved Seattle karate has been slandered by an interloper from two states down, Dean Ramsey sets about to make an example of our unsuspecting hero. Not him personally, though, Ramsey's top student is given the honor of dishonoring Jason. Jason, it turns out, really isn't as good a fighter as he'd like to think he is, especially when he's turning red-faced and about to ball like a baby from anger. Jason's childish rage is committed to getting his butt kicked further. Thankfully, RJ intervenes by foring Jason to join him as they both run fleeing the dojo with their tails tucked firmly between their legs. Dean Ramsey snarkily remarks to the class, "LA karate... (pause) I'm impressed", to which he and everyone else begin laughing way to hard. Pure evil.

Seattle karate... I'm not impressed.

Dean will soon have even more reasons for disliking Jason Stillwell that go well beyond a fat guy spreading false rumors that he maliciously maligned the good name of Seattle karate. For you see Jason Stillwell has a new girlfriend named Kelly, the little sister of Ian "Whirlwind" Reilly, whom Dean Ramsey has his eyes on. According to Ramsey a little later on, because her brother is his sensei that automatically makes her betrothed to him. I think some of these people really do think they're living in medieval Asia.

Here's the weird thing about Kelly. She's actually an old girlfriend of Jason's - at least I think. When Kelly is introduced she and Jason act like they've known each other for a long time and behave like they're ex-lovers rekindling an old romance. A throwaway line indicates they dated briefly back in Los Angeles. If so, how come Jason didn't seem to be aware that Ian "Whirlwind" Reilly is her brother? It just doesn't make sense, but then does romance ever make sense?

This was the one and only film acting role of the young lady portraying Kelly. To be brutally honest, that's probably for the best.

Dean does not approve of this coupling. Tempers flare at Kelly's birthday party when once again the dickish tag team of Dean and Scott manage to humiliate Jason again. Scott makes Jason turn red with anger; Dean makes Jason look black and blue. So badly is his ego and flesh bruised that this time Jason even pushes Kelly away even after she slaps Dean and personally apologizes to Jason for him getting face kicked over the refreshment table. This is a truly great acting moment on Kurt McKinney's part because you watch him the whole time during these scenes and swear he's so mad he's going to start crying like a baby at any second.

An angry, humiliated, bloodied Jason drives off with waterworks welling up in his eyes and a song in his head. In true 1980's fashion, a musical montage recaps the last five minutes of Jason's angst-filled existence. Not quite as good as the sullen Rocky Balboa night driving music video to the tune of "There's No Easy Way Out" in ROCKY IV, but a noble effort nonetheless.

Jason heads straight to Bruce Lee's grave where he drops to his knees and begs for help, repeatedly telling the photo on Lee's tombstone that he's got nowhere else to go. Sounds like he's threatening suicide to me.

"I'm a martial artist, too, and I want to be like you some day."

You mean dead by 32?

Jason gets home to find dad once again infuriated that his son has been fighting yet again. Jason never points out the fact that he didn't get to do much by way of fighting back. Dad reads Jason the riot act and uses his own gimpyness as a prime example of how useless fighting is. It should be mentioned Tom Stillwell now ekes out a living working as a crippled bartender bullied by drunks. The bi-daily Stillwell family shout-a-thon commences; Jason calls his dad a coward; dad forbids him from ever setting foot in the garage again. Jason then has to plead for calm while his dad trashes all of Jason's "useless junk" in the garage dojo.

Dad proceeds to take things one step too far. Forgive him, Bruce, for he has sinned.

Dad rips Jason's sacred Bruce Lee poster in half and somehow doesn't get struck down by lightning for doing so, or considering this Bruce Lee, lightning nunchuks from heaven.. Jason reacts to the desecration of his almighty by letting out a girlie scream that would make Reb Brown proud and running off into the night like a blubbery MARATHON MAN.

Jason gets RJ to help him secretly move all his fighting stuff into an empty house down the street where he'll also crash for a few days until dad simmers down. Once again, for no reason in particular, RJ feels compelled to utter the film's title. No retreat, no surrender - for moving a few pieces of martial arts training equipment and squatting in an abandoned house? You know RJ's now helped this kid movie his workout equipment twice; he should be asking to get paid. He's always there to help and asks for nothing in return. Wake him up in the middle of the night because you just had a family squabble and really need to move your heavy bag and wooden dummy, "Don't worry, R.J. will provide. You just wait here." R.J.'s like the original The Dude - he always abides.

RJ goes home. Jason takes a nap in his new squalor. Tom Stillwell apparently doesn't get concerned when his son doesn't return after running off into the dead of night after a family meltdown. All if wrong with the world yet it is at this moment the magic truly begins, the kind of movie magic that elevates NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER from mere KARATE KID rip-off to the greatest motion picture in the history of cinema.

A light begins to shine in the doorway of Jason's Jeet Con Do. A mystical glow shines brighter and brighter. From this glowing doorway to the great beyond emerges none other than Bruce Lee himself. Not exactly. A short Korean man dressed up like Bruce Lee who still really doesn't look a damn thing like Bruce Lee stands before his stunned disciple. Kurt McKinney will look directly at this Asian man whose ethnicity and haircut are about the only resemblances to Bruce Lee, then look back over at the taped up poster on the far wall of the real Bruce Lee, then again at the man standing before him and ask, "Master Lee?" - as if there's supposed to be no doubt these people are one in the same. McKinney sells this unbelievable double take like a pro and yet, again, Paul Newman walked off with the Academy Award.

One the left: Bruce Lee. On the right: You've got to be kidding me.

All the Bruce Lee wannabes that came along immediately after Lee's death had names like Bruce Le and Bruce Li. It's as if Jason Stillwell's prayers were answered by one of Lee's many imitators. Since the ghost of Bruce Lee is played by a Korean guy that you would never mistake for Bruce Lee and has been laughably overdubbed with a deep, stilted, old school chop socky movie voice they should have gone that route. Have him tell Jason that he's actually the ghost of Bruce Li filling in for the Bruce Lee who just can't be bothered with tending to the needs of all of his devotees.

The Korean actor worked as Lee's stand-in during the shooting of GAME OF DEATH. Even after Lee had been dead for well over a decade he's still having to stand in for him.

Bruce Lee's estate gave their blessing to the makers of this movie. I'd say Bruce Lee would be spinning in his grave but it would probably be more of a spinning roundkick.

Bruce Lee's ghost has arrived to play Mr. Miyagi to a tempermental karate kid. This can only mean one thing…

LET THE TRAINING MONTAGES BEGIN!

Damn, Chinese Pictionary is hard.

Ghost Lee also makes a point about how what he's going to teach him only being for defense but we all know enough about Bruce Lee to know that's a crock. This is the same Bruce Lee that demonstrates the sharing of knowledge by comparing everything Jason already knows with a glass of water and everything Lee knows as being a glass of Diet Coke. All those years of telling people they should be more like water it turns out he actually meant sugar water.

As a matter of fact, yes, me Chinese, me play joke, me put pee-pee in your Coke.

Having taught him how to be like sugary high-fructose corn syrup with zero calories, how to properly dodge swinging bags of sand, and achieve peak physical conditioning using park benches and playground equipment, Bruce Lee's spirit bids a hasty retreat back to the afterlife the moment Jason successfully kicks a heavy bag suspended above his head with one leg while his other leg is tied in a noose. Lee doesn't say a word, doesn't congratulate Jason or bid him farewell; he just turns and exits stage left back into the doorway of light as quickly as possible. No doubt in a hurry to get to Harlem to teach Bruce Leroy the power of the glow.

Final lesson: Prove to Bruce Lee that you are smarter than the average bear.

Here we get our first broadcasting of the inspiring "No Retreat, No Surrender" theme song. I listen to this anthem rock number truly believe I, too, could put on a fruity headband, use children's playground equipment as my own personal Gold's Gym, and spar with an invisible man on my quest to becoming the ultimate fighter. Just thinking about that song right now makes me want to go to town on a wooden dolly. If I had to rank triumphant 1980's movie fight songs I would rank this just below KARATE KID's "You're the Best Around" and just above "Thunder in Your Heart" from RAD. If you open up the field to include non-KARATE KID style films to allow "The Touch" from TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE all bets are off.

Jason's training is beginning not a moment too soon because the East Coast kickboxing mafia has made its way up to Seattle in preparation of conquering the entire Pacific Northwest martial arts scene for their own nefarious purposes. An exhibition contest has been set-up between that slimy mobster's martial arts team and a hometown team composed of Ian "Whirlwind" Reilly and his top students. The Manhattan Maulers vs. The Seattle Sidekicks - let the record show that even mid-Eighties' unsanctioned competitive karate factions had better team names than the XFL.

Cowardly pacifist bar gimp Tom Stillwell is forced to get aggressive with some angry bar drunks. They don't take too kindly to their ejection and surround Tom in the parking lot. Jason pulls up just when it looks like dad is in for a world of hurt. Triumphant music swells as Jason rolls over car hoods and leap frogs obstacles as he races to his father's rescue using all the improved human annihilation techniques taught to him by the ghost of the man his father once desecrated. Out of shape blue collar jerks are trounced with the greatest of ease as a father and son relationship is mended over a big cold can of whoop ass. Jason then gives his dad the moral of the story: sometimes fighting is the only solution.

The thing I appreciate about NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER is that unlike all those other KARATE KID films that constantly preach non-violence only to have the movie end with the lead character having to kick the bad guy's butt, NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER adopts the stance that, yes, sometimes ass must be kicked, and in some instances, repeatedly, and well after the point of victory. You'll find none of that hypocritical "karate is only for defense" crap at the heart of this film. The writers of this film understand that there are people in this world that can only be dealt with by shattering their bones with skillful acts of violence and making sure their raging ego realizes the maximum humiliation they are experiencing as you annihilate their physical well begin. That's the American way! There are assholes in this world and the only way to deal with them is to pound them hard and fast. Wait, that didn't sound right at all. You get the idea though.

Having gotten back into his father's good graces by doing the very thing that led to their falling out in the first place, now it's time for Jason to make nice with the girlfriend was not so nice to earlier. For this he'll need a little help from RJ, who, by the way, miraculously managed to find the only other two black people in Seattle. From the looks of this film there are only four African-Americans living in the Seattle area at the time it was shot and three of them just have to show up to the high school dance dressed like extras from BREAKIN' 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO.

The day the Little Mermaid met Shabba Doo

These two newcomers are decked out in traditional breakdancing wear. RJ… Dear Lord… RJ is dressed to his period Michael Jackson fullness. I'm talking sparkly white glove, glittery band jacket, and everything. The Michael Jackson attire will seem a bit ironic when he magically transforms into his white breakdancing double to wow all the white kids. With a little dance floor manipulation from the only three non-honkies in the room, Jason and Kelly are brought back together.

You know how the old saying goes: Every time two white people kiss a brother gets his soul.

Training over. Romance rekindled. Dancing done. Time to fight. Time for the grand finale at the big karate team competition.

Wait just a second. Why isn't Jason going to beat up Scott and Dean? Why aren't his tormentors getting throttled by the hero Bruce Lee himself came back from the grave to train? You mean to tell me that if this movie didn't end the way it did with all heck breaking loose at the karate match Jason never used his supernaturally asquired skills to avenge his putdowns at the hands and feet of the neighborhood bullies?

Yes.

You have to understand something. NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER is the KARATE KID rip-off where the hero uses his training to save his bullies from even bigger bullies. How is that possible? Because this was the Eighties and the even bigger bully was a damn Commie with ties to organized crime. There's a lot more at stake than pride. This is about freedom, dammit! Freedom from Communist brutality. Freedom for people in the Pacific Northwest to practice karate without having to give into the whims of the La Cosa Nostra.

Hilarious how this karate showdown begins with stock footage that was clearly shot at an actual real sports arena before a legit packed house and then we cut to a tiny audience gathered ringside in what is quite obviously a redecorated high school gymnasium. The footage of these two venues don't even come close to matching up but they put it in anyway.

It's also obvious they just kept moving the same audience extras around depending on which side of the ring they were shooting. When you watch the movie keep an eye out for the nerdy looking guy with glasses in the red shirt who keeps magically appears on every side of the ring. You can play "Where's Waldo?" with him ever single time there's a crowd shot. I'd say making a drinking game out of it but you might spit it out or choke on it laughing at the way this dork spaz claps whenever he's supposed to be really excited.

Speaking of dorks, Ian "Whirlwind" Reilly has got to be the giddiest karate champ ever

Given whom all the Seattle Sidekicks is composed of they should have been introduced as "The Stillwell Bully All-Star Karate Revue". The mafia weasel that orchestrated the crippling of Jason's dad steps into the ring to the dismay of the Stillwell family in attendance. He lets it be known that the New York team would be sitting this one out because all they needed was one guy to defeat Seattle's finest. Van Damme is led to the ring by a chorus of male cheerleaders in matching blue jeans and wifebeater shirts doing some of the most half-hearted fist pumping you can imagine.

Jason runs up to the ring to warn Ian Reilly of how dangerous this Russian guy is, but because this team is made up of anti-Stillwell hobbyists they all scoff at him and tell him to take a seat because they can easily beat this guy. Needless to say Ivan proceeds to all but outright murder them one-by-one. The black karate fighter who embarrassed Jason at Reilly's dojo may have actually been killed. Dean Ramsey receives the ass kicking you'd think Jason should have given him. Hell, you'd think given all the grief these two had given Jason he'd relish at least a little bit watching them each fall victim to kickslaughter.

Hey, "kickslaughter", I just coined a term. How was KICKSLAUGHTER not the name of a 1990's straight-to-video martial arts flick? Somebody needs to rectify that. I would totally watch a martial arts movie called KICKSLAUGHTER.

Being that Ian "Whirlwind" Reilly is a world champion being played by a real-life world champion I guess it was in his contract that he not have his ass to him on film. That mafia weasel freaks out when Ian staggers Ivan with a couple of good shots because - I guess - if Ivan loses there goes the mob's conquest of the Pacific Northwestern dojo scene - somehow.

The runt runs up to the ring, slaps the apron hard, and screams "Get him! Kill him!" Ivan's understanding of the English language must have been limited in the sense that he takes everything he hears literally because Van Damme makes this snarling pissed off face and goes totally postal on both Reilly and the poor referee that tries to prevent a homicide when Ivan attempts to strangle Riley to death with the ring ropes. If losing to Riley via knockout or judge's score would have been bad I can't imagine how losing by disqualification and then being charged with first-degree murder would benefit the mafia's plans. Then again, this is the mafia we're talking about. Probably just have everyone whacked out on the parking lot and take the dojo that way.

Jean-Claude Van Damme's failed audition for Albert Pyun's POPEYE THE SAILOR MAN movie

With Reilly tied up in the ropes getting beaten to death, Scott attempts to make a rescue as only he knows how - by trying to eat the Russian. His attempt to chew on Ivan's ankle from ringside only results in a long overdue kick to the face.

No. No. Don't send in any security. Don't call the cops. Just let a man get beaten to death before a live audience. Just ignore the referee getting assaulted. Just let one man's psychotic rampage continue unabaded. If it stays inside the ring it's all part of the show is how I guess they look at it.

Kelly tries to save her brother and suffers a most vigorous hair-pulling. The fiend! You can cripple his father and beat as many people as you want half to death, but you absolutely DO NOT PULL THE HAIR OF JASON STILLWELL'S GIRLFRIEND! That's crossing the line that dare not be crossed. Jason leaps out of his audience seat. He's seen all he can stands, he can't stands no more.. The windbreaker is coming off and the limb-breaking is about to begin.

Bolting to the ring like a true champion, flip kicking Ivan as he somersaults into the ring, Jason Stillwell - the final protégé of a supernatural entity with a passing resemblance to Bruce Lee claiming to be him - stands tall and proud, ready to rick his own well being to rescue the life of an innocent man, seeking to protect the woman he's quite fond of, prepared to exact retribution for the crippling of his dickish dad, determined to spare Seattle karate dojos from the oppressive hand of cosa nostra kickboxing control, and most importantly - by God - he's fighting for the U-S-of-A. Remove thy windbreaker Jason Stillwell for truth, justice, and the American way rests in your hands and feet.

"So it is you, the son," sneers Ivan, recognizing the little twerp whose arm he twisted months earlier. Even Ivan realizes the significance of the monumental battle about to take place. "You're good," he compliments. Jason assuredly responds, "I get better." Dialogue written as if Shakespeare and Homer rose from the grave and through the power of a screenwriting medium began channeling their spirits to craft an epic poem for the 1980's.

The legend of Jason Stillwell continues to grow with one of the greatest lines in the history of cinema. As Jason begins to best the Russian juggernaut they will pause yet again to exchange unpleasantries. Jason looks the man known only as "Ivan the Russian" dead in the eye and insults him to his face by calling him... "Russian!" You better believe Ivan, known as "the Russian", a Russian, from Russia, upon begin called "Russian" to his face, takes having this slur hurled at him as the greatest insult one man could issue to another and flies into an even greater rage. So much self-loathing; is it any wonder we won the Cold War?

To say that the editing in the ensuing fight is choppy would be an understatement. Missing frames, hands and feet suddenly jump cutting from one position to another, even what appeared to be a moment or two of teleportation. It would seem the film's editors were so into the moment they wanted to put their own chops into the chop socky.

Things turned ugly on the set when the producers informed Van Damme that the PG rating would not allow for him to drop his pants and do the naked butt shot he was insisting upon.

At first Ivan will prove no match for the skills the ghost of Bruce Lee has taught this proud young apostle. So angered Ivan tears his shirt off in a fit of rage thus beginning what would become a trademark of all Jean-Claude Van Damme movies. Bruce Lee must not have prepared Jason to contend with a shirtless Jean-Claude Van Damme because sans top the tide has now turned in favor of the Marxist manslayer.

Abs Lenin goes for his illegal finisher tying Jason in the ropes just has he done Reilly. RJ yells the film's title one final time, the first time yelling it actually meant something. Like Popeye eating his spinach, He-Man holding up his sword and exclaiming "By the power of Greyskull", or Jack Nicholson popping a Viagra before climbing into a hot tub with a woman young enough to be his granddaughter, hearing those magic words NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER gives Jason all the power he needs to flip out of the ropes and mounts a furious an insurmountable comeback against the Soviet kickslaughterer.

You have to love how the audience remains seated politely applauding the action as they take in this unsanctioned, unofficiated contest between a Russian brute who they just watched go on a berserk rampage that included attacking officials and people not involved with the match and the unknown teenager who just ran in from the audience to save his girlfriend from getting assaulted.

With his father the reformed pacifist furiously banging on the apron leading the crowd in the chanting of his son's name, Jason executes a perfectly timed jumping back flip kick that sends Ivan soaring over the top rope to the basketball court below.

Broken.

Beaten.

Unconscious.

Vanquished.

Van Damminated.

The mafia weasel breaks his cigar and storms out in disgust. The crowd rushes the ring, hoists Jason up, and begins throwing him up and down in celebration (nearly dropping him to ground twice). Seattle is saved from organized crime karate dojos and, to a much greater extent, the scourge of the Soviet Union. Not just a victory for Jason Stillwell, a victory for America. Heck, let's just call it a victory for mankind. Let the name Jason Stillwell be spoken with reverence. Let it rank amongst the great deities of the past: Zeus, Ra, Cru Jones, and now Jason Stillwell.

Trained by Bruce Lee from beyond the grave. Defeated a Soviet kickboxing bully. Ruined the mafia's karate dojo takeover plans. Won the respect of his father. Rescued his girlfriend. Accomplished that which his mortal enemies could not. And even took a moment just to out STAYING ALIVE John Travolta. All in a day's work for America's favorite son, Jason Stillwell.

Eighty-five minutes of cinema at its most glorious culminates once more with the stirring sounds of the NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER theme song. Fade out. Rejoice. All's well that Stillwell's.

Hong Kong director Corey Yuen is the mastermind behind this masterpiece. You may also know him as the director of THE TRANSPORTER. He would go on to direct the sequel NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER 2. We're not going to discuss it because it was a generic martial arts movie about an American kickboxer kickslaughtering Commies to rescue his girlfriend in Cambodia. Lightning did not strike twice.

There would actually be many sequels internationally where NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER was known as KARATE TIGER. It became a name brand as a slew of martial arts movies were released in various foreign territories as KARATE TIGER sequels. Van Damme's KICKBOXER was released as KARATE TIGER 3. BEST OF THE BEST and BEST OF THE BEST 2 were released as KARATE TIGER 4 & 5. Depending on the country there are several movies that have been released as KARATE TIGER sequels of the same numeral. The first KARATE TIGER is the only one that matters as far as I'm concerned I will only refer to it by its proper name NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER.

Such a devotee of NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER that when I came across a vendor online selling a bootleg copy of an English language print of the uncut international version I snatched it up in a heartbeat. What an eye-opening experience that turned out to be since the changes turned out to be quite numerous from the version American World Pictures released on VHS. Let me count the ways.

The international version has a totally different musical score and I can totally see why a different composer was brought in for the American version unless you actually like movies set to Cassio keyboard soundtracks worthy of a first-generation Nintendo game. The majestic NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER does not exist in this version. Instead there's a soft rock track called "Hold on to the Vision" sung by a very femme sounding guy. This is supposed to be a KARATE KID knock-off and the theme song sounds more appropriate to a chick flick. Listening to "Hold on to the Vision" did not make me want to go workout on playground equipment or defeat kickboxing fascism in mortal combat.

That Korean actor playing Bruce Lee's phantasm is still poorly dubbed but the dubbing is different in that it's not as laughably cartoonish. Another point in favor of the American version, I say.

Even in the international version Jean-Claude Van Damme's character is listed as being named Karl Brezdin even though he is still named Ivan in the film.

The reason for all the missing frames during the final fight in the American version is because the fight would originally cut to a quick flashback moment showing how a certain techniques Lee's phantasm taught him helps him perform the moves he uses to defeat Ivan. Not sure why the American distributors would choose to cut these moments out when doing so left the remaining scenes looking incompetently edited.

Missing scene #1 - Tom Stillwell is laid up in a hospital room looking despondent after having his leg broken. We hear him in voiceover rationalize that there is no way to defeat these mobsters and the best thing he can do for his family is to get them the hell out of Dodge. Leaving this scene in might have made dad seem less cowardly in his actions but not that great a difference.

Missing scene #2 - Scott is sitting in his front yard engaging in the great American pastime of shooting soda cans with a high pressure water hose when he gets yelled at by his stepdad for not doing his chores. He sees RJ coming down the street, squirts him with the hose, tackles him, straddles him on the ground, and practically begins dry humping him while going on about how he and the Bruce Lee freak weren't going to get away this time. This scene seems out of order like it should be taking place after the fast food confrontation, not before it.

RJ breaks free and runs off. Scott gives chase. We're supposed to laugh at how this fatty can't navigate the various hurdles in their path as easily as agile RJ can. The big punchline of this fairly lengthy scene is Scott stumbling over an object on the sidewalk he could have easily walked around just to prove to RJ he could do it and taking a pratfall into wet cement. This is the kind of comedy that cries out for the sound of a slide whistle. I fully understand why all of this got edited out of the American version.

Missing scene #3 - Kelly's birthday party scene goes on a lot long than in the US version and is now interspersed with her brother being confronted in his gym by that half-pint Mafioso and his thugs demanding he sign over his dojo to them. They probably should have left this in since it's during this encounter that we learn the reason the mob is taking over these dojos is to use them as fronts for their illegal activities. Going by the US version you'd believe the mafia has simply decided to get into the karate dojo business and is out to corner the market by hook or by crook.

Missing scene #4 - The final difference between the two movies is only a fifteen second difference but what a tremendous difference fifteen seconds can make. I fully understand why the American distributors chose to edit out these fifteen seconds. It's a jaw-dropper moment of WTF-ness that left me wondering who even thought this shot was a good idea in the first place. During the final training montage as Jason is achieving peak physical condition, nobody is going to be focusing on the genuinely impressive feat of physical strength actor Kurt McKinney is performing at the time. Not when you're watching a guy propped between two a park bench and some monkey bars performing pelvic thrusts with a another young man seated on his crotch eating an ice cream bar with a look on his face of pure ecstasy!

Just when I thought this was the greatest movie ever made I watch the original cut of the movie and learn that all this time I hadn't even witnessed its greatest moment of all. One day this movie will finally get a richly deserved American DVD/Blu-ray release and when that day comes these fifteen awe-inspiring seconds had better be restored for everyone to experience. Until that long overdue day comes I leave you with these incredible freeze frames that solidify NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER's status as one of the most criminally overlooked, underrated, underappreciated movies of our time.